Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Demunie · Mar 18, 2017, 04:03 PM

T,
So... My friend finally moved to amsterdam. She hasn't talked with me in an eternity, so it shouldn't make a difference, right?
Pdoc didn't get back to the pharmacie either. I'll be shaking and nauseous all day tomorrow, but it's ok, it's just me, right?
I feel lonely. I feel like everyone's just leaving me alone, because I'm a too huge pain in the ***. What am I doing wrong? I'm just trying to be nice with everyone, I try to do everything right, I try not to upset everyone and to never force myself upon anyone. And still it seems to be the only thing I'm doing.

I'm doing something that makes others wanting to leave me alone and abandon me. Something that makes me unworthy of care. What is it?

I want to change it.

Victoria'smom · Mar 18, 2017, 05:48 PM

Dear new t,

Don't think I have it all together. I don't. Please don't see me as a crisis either. I've kept myself alive this long I'm not going anywhere even if I feel I should. Please refrain from mentioning iop.

Mar 18, 2017, 05:51 PM

I have thought about you a lot today.

velcro003 · Mar 18, 2017, 07:52 PM

Hey T--I want to text you bc I am feeling so sh*tty, but really there is nothing to say.

Possible trigger:

its totally fine and normal that all i am doing is researching suicide? i hate how i am feeling. i also know i won't do it bc it would ruin my mother, and probably my dad and brother too. but come ON, living for other people that i see a few times a year sucks so much.

velcro003 · Mar 18, 2017, 07:58 PM

oops, i texted you. it was either you or S...and i know i won't go around in circles in self-hatred if i texted S. sorry.

lucozader · Mar 18, 2017, 09:12 PM

Please let me go to sleep tonight

velcro003 · Mar 18, 2017, 10:09 PM

T. I hope tomorrow is slightly better than today.I texted you, and said no need to respond...and it is saturday night, so i know you have 1 million other things to do.

i don't want to do this anymore. help.

atisketatasket · Mar 18, 2017, 10:18 PM

Dear No. 3,

Primum non nocere. "First, do no harm."

ATAT

CC: Smaug, No. 2, DBC

iheartjacques · Mar 19, 2017, 03:21 AM

What am I supposed to tall about after I don't see you for 2 months and you're leaving?!

cinnamon_roll · Mar 19, 2017, 03:30 AM

art T,

I'm stuck. I'm not sure that I can get unstuck by myself. I need (your?) help.

And: I still don't want to go to group sessions. Even though I must agree that I could learn tons in this group context. Both about myself and about my social interaction in general... But it is too painful right now.
Being caught up in this anger about you and your schedule changes doesn't really help. And feeling helpless and that I didn't have a say in this (yes, I could have left altogether...) doesn't help either.

Angry and confused,
c_r

Mar 19, 2017, 08:52 AM

Why am I completely unable to stop thinking about psychotherapy?

LonesomeTonight · Mar 19, 2017, 10:05 AM

Dear MC,
Hope everything works out to see you tomorrow. I miss you. Doesn't help that you showed up in my dream last night, even if just as a bit part. (Wish I could have found you later in the dream--you would have taken me seriously about the threat going on, unlike most of the other people I tried to tell!)
Love,
LT

Mar 19, 2017, 10:20 AM

Is it friday yet?

Argonautomobile · Mar 19, 2017, 10:30 AM

I hope you know what you're doing.

Elio · Mar 19, 2017, 10:35 AM

Dear Dr. S,

I miss you. I'm nervous. I'm struggling with food. I want to say F it and have drive thru food. I know I can, I know it will only make things worse for my surgery. I'm trying to keep that in the front of my mind so I care. I feel like I am losing the battle. The problem is, I don't think talking to you about it would make a bit of difference...So ... almost at 48 hours to check in. Can I hold out that long? I guess I really only have to hold out for 39.5 hours as I cannot have anything to eat after midnight tomorrow. I wish we could just hang out over the next 48 hours... do whatever to kill the time and keep me distracted. -me

Mar 19, 2017, 11:17 AM

Dear T,

I started to write to you a detailed letter about the verbal and physical abuse I endured during my childhood, but I quickly found myself getting triggered. Now I'm not sure how I am going to tell you these things. It sucks. But I'm okay for now, as I stopped writing before anything bad could happen.

Also, just so you know, my plan is to email this letter to you, but I forgot to ask for your email address during our last session. I'm going to remind myself to ask for it at the end of our next session on Tuesday. Hopefully you'll be okay with that and be willing to read my email? I'd feel a bit awkward printing out this letter and giving it to you during our session. I'd rather you read it beforehand so we could have the entire session to talk about it.

Thanks

junkDNA · Mar 19, 2017, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Dear MC,
Hope everything works out to see you tomorrow. I miss you. Doesn't help that you showed up in my dream last night, even if just as a bit part. (Wish I could have found you later in the dream--you would have taken me seriously about the threat going on, unlike most of the other people I tried to tell!)
Love,
LT

your dream reminds me of a recurring nightmare i had as a kid after my dad died

i would be in my house, by myself, in my room. suddenly all these threatening creatures were trying to enter my house. i had to try very hard to seal all the windows and doors. i would run around the house doing that. then i go into my mom's bedroom and my mom and sister are sitting on the bed, watching tv or something. im panicking and telling them to help me because the creatures are coming in, but they both ignore me and treat me like i am just playing around. then i would wake up

that recurring dream always stuck with me. i think it had a lot of heavy symbolism

velcro003 · Mar 19, 2017, 12:31 PM

oh, t. you really are great. thanks for texting me back. last night was super, super awful. i haven't sobbed like that for a long time. ugh. i am interested in hearing what insight pdoc gave you? i hope it doesn't freak me out.

see you tomorrow.

nervous puppy · Mar 19, 2017, 01:09 PM

T:
Part of me want to sit down and write a long *** letter detailing all the things going thru my head. All the things I keep forgetting or just fail to bring up in session. Maybe it won't be as long as I think it will be, but it feels like it would be the longest email ever.
Or maybe that's the part of me that won't let me write it. It's always a war, and I usually lose. It's easier that way.
I've been "OK" lately, and able to "handle" things. Am I? Or am I just stuffing it down and it will all come out later. Remember that Seinfeld episode "serenity now"? I'm thinking that's what I'm doing. I'm ok for now, but watch out...it's coming. I don't know when, but I'm gonna blow (meltdown, freak out) sooner or later.

Mar 19, 2017, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkDNA

your dream reminds me of a recurring nightmare i had as a kid after my dad died

i would be in my house, by myself, in my room. suddenly all these threatening creatures were trying to enter my house. i had to try very hard to seal all the windows and doors. i would run around the house doing that. then i go into my mom's bedroom and my mom and sister are sitting on the bed, watching tv or something. im panicking and telling them to help me because the creatures are coming in, but they both ignore me and treat me like i am just playing around. then i would wake up

that recurring dream always stuck with me. i think it had a lot of heavy symbolism

And I had a similar one with my T where there was a terrorist attack going on and T kept saying there wasn't even though I told him I had seen people with guns and we went out and finally he saw a guy with a gun and I was like "are you going to tell me this isn't a gun either?".
It related to something I was telling T I was scared of but he hasn't really heard me. When I told T the dream he really got it.

LonesomeTonight · Mar 19, 2017, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkDNA

your dream reminds me of a recurring nightmare i had as a kid after my dad died

i would be in my house, by myself, in my room. suddenly all these threatening creatures were trying to enter my house. i had to try very hard to seal all the windows and doors. i would run around the house doing that. then i go into my mom's bedroom and my mom and sister are sitting on the bed, watching tv or something. im panicking and telling them to help me because the creatures are coming in, but they both ignore me and treat me like i am just playing around. then i would wake up

that recurring dream always stuck with me. i think it had a lot of heavy symbolism

That sounds really scary! Mine last night involved (putting warning just in case)

Possible trigger:

I was in a school, I think as a student maybe? A bunch of us were in an assembly in the auditorium--MC was sitting in the same row as me, either as a teacher or counselor, I assume. People began gradually leaving the auditorium. I wondered what was going on and decided to check it out. I opened a door I shouldn't have an overheard another student saying how they'd caught [some name], which I knew was a terrorist who had put a bomb in another school. Some of his friends had caught him and were bringing him back to the school where I was, like to get revenge on him or something like.

But I was scared for the safety of everyone in the school and was going around trying to warn people, but everyone was just caught up in what they were doing and ignoring me. The one amusing part of my dream was that the one person I did get to listen to me (after a minute) was Special Agent Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks. Then FBI agents showed up and were tossing some sort of grenades or something--I saw the terrorist guy running, too, so he'd escaped. I woke up to hear my daughter calling for me before I managed to escape the school or find out what happened to anyone else.

growlycat · Mar 19, 2017, 01:36 PM

Thank you for sharing with me your sexual identity. (I knew it.) Thanks for not being offended that I asked. I think you're the best!!

awkwardlyyours · Mar 19, 2017, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlycat

Thank you for sharing with me your sexual identity. (I knew it.) Thanks for not being offended that I asked. I think you're the best!!

Wait.....whaaaaaaaaaaat? He's bi / queer? Do spill. Don't be coy.

And, if he is, can I please, please, pretty please hire you to use your awesome gaydar on correctly identifying women as well (I really suck at it)?

ETA: I'm having deja vu, what with Maddow and the tax returns.

growlycat · Mar 19, 2017, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

Wait.....whaaaaaaaaaaat? He's bi / queer? Do spill. Don't be coy.

And, if he is, can I please, please, pretty please hire you to use your awesome gaydar on correctly identifying women as well (I really suck at it)?

ETA: I'm having deja vu, what with Maddow and the tax returns.

Bisexual. But as he describes it , it sounds more like pan sexuality. All about the person not the gender. So very happy that he told me. So honored.

I'm not so good with women I'm afraid. My best friend from middle school came out later in life after divorcing her husband. In that case I had no idea at all Women are too subtle!

awkwardlyyours · Mar 19, 2017, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlycat

Bisexual. But as he describes it , it sounds more like pan sexuality. All about the person not the gender. So very happy that he told me. So honored.

I'm not so good with women I'm afraid. My best friend from middle school came out later in life after divorcing her husband. In that case I had no idea at all Women are too subtle!

Aha! I hope you immediately yelled 'I KNEW IT'!

I always assumed pan sexuality to mean well, anything that moves.
(And, I shall stop with my middle-school crudeness right about here.)

Tell me about women being too subtle....sigh.

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Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

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