Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

You're probably right, thanks JD.
In my (long) email to him i said sorry for sending it and he​ replied:

Hi Echos

It's not a problem for me. Inevitably a muddle of feelings for you and much better to put them into words than keep them all inside.

Take care,

T

I logically know that the "it's not a problem for me" bit was in response to my apology, but i can't help hearing it the other way. Also, a muddle is putting it a bit lightly. Not his fault though. Just sod's law it happened right after i saw him. It does help to imagine him saying it in person.

T,

Thanks for telling me you cared about me today.

Is it 5:30 yet?
Love,
me

(yeah still love even tho what i wanna talk about won't sound like it)

This sounds a lot like how my T tends to word e-mails. Where she comments on the fact that it's OK/good I sent an e-mail, but not much commentary on the actual stuff I said. Which is hard when I've sent her paragraphs of my thoughts/feelings. Or she might say something vague like, "Interesting thoughts. Let's discuss next week." (I assume she just doesn't want to do therapy over e-mail.)

MC is more likely to comment on the actual content, but then he'll throw in something like "Good job," as in his recent e-mail (where I thanked him for his advice on processing my daughter's assessments and said I shifted how I was thinking about it as a result of what he said), and then it feels kinda patronizing.

I like JD's idea of thinking of your T saying it in person. So much is lost over e-mail/text (even phone) that you get in person. Then tone of voice, look in their eyes, body language.

Hope you're doing OK and getting some sleep.

T - I don't think you are going to respond to my email tonight. I kind of want (need/it would be better) you to. Guess I should have been more clear on that. - me

I hope you know that I really do appreciate your phone call. When I told you that I like the check in and it feels good but it also feels indulgent, you told me that I ignore my own needs too often. I'm sure we will discuss this. Growing up my needs were a nuisance to others. I'm often in pain and I forget that I've neglected some need and that's why I feel awful. I've learned to ignore my own inner signals that I don't feel right. I worry that if I listen to that inner signal I'll be asking for all sorts of phone calls emails hugs etc. I'm trying to keep the neediness in check. Do you really want me to release that monster?

Oh T. Thanks for responding to my text, and to not feel bad about it. I feel awful about tonight, but thanks.

thank you for such a simple and powerful response to my crazy and almost incoherent email.

This is great. Me too!

Did you watch NCIS last night? It was about Vietnam vets and about how no one welcomed them home. Which i never understood the big deal about. But last night i realized why - because i too was a nuisance; i was never welcomed home, only criticized for leaving. Last night i understood the vets welcome home.

Ex-T,
It's been 2 years since you abandoned me. I'm still hurting! Maybe not as bad as when you first left, but that's thanks to T. You broke my heart into little pieces and I can't seem to find all of them. You took away my enjoyment in life. Yes, I still have little moments of joy, but they are short lived. I no longer enjoy music or my arts and crafts. I used to paint, color, crochet, create architecture, etc. Now they have all become a chore.

I was doing so good with you. I was making major improvements. Why did you take it all away? What did I do that was so wrong?

I have honored your request for no contact. I still feel like writing you. I never got the chance to express how I feel; what this has done to me! I also feel like sending you morbid, disturbing gifts. And I have bad thoughts about you. I won't do anything though. I will sit here with my pain and do nothing. I don't want a lawsuit or restraining order against me.

Do you ever think about me? Do you care? Did you ever care?

I want to believe in karma. I want to believe that you will get back what you've done to me. I wish I could see it or know it's happened. Instead, it looks like your life is happy with your new baby and all.

I can't forgive you ex-T. I don't think I will ever be able to. You left a huge gapping wound in me. I don't think I will ever be able to fully heal. You didn't even allow me closure. You're a therapist! How can you do this to someone? Do you even realize the extent that you damaged me? Two years has been a long time. I thought I'd make more progress than this. I guess it just shows how extreme the trauma you caused me.

Unfortunately, you will always be a part of my life. I will never be completely free of you. You killed a part of me. You stole some of the good in life away from me.

Here's to our 2 year anniversary!

Thanks LT, yeah I know my T doesn't email very much at all so I'm grateful. I guess it just feels like the loneliest thing because I can't really talk to anyone IRL about how I feel. I'm thinking about asking T for a 90 min session next week, which I've never done before. It's the last session for 3 weeks so I'd like to get a chance to process this.

Echos i really like your poem. I so relate!

Dear R,

Thank you for clearing the air over whether it is OK for me to cry during our sessions. I guess I should have been clued in when I swore last week and you didn't flinch. The way that we sit makes 'being tactile' difficult, so that's why I didn't ask for that. It's not that I didn't want that kind of comfort, but the feasibility of it was limited. Of course, we have a lot of work to do in two weeks' time, if we are going for miraculous healing. (My term.) I accept that there will probably always be something, but I need to get control back over my brain...and you are most definitely helping me to do that. I'm going to get to that point, and I'm going to shy away. I need you to keep me there, keep me talking. 'Stay with it, stay with it.'

See you on the 20th. Have a lovely Easter - I'm sorry I laughed when you said that, I just thought it was odd, given what we talk about, and Easter being a trigger for me.

You did everything I asked of you. You're amazing. I love you.

Dear No. 3,

I need to be heard on the events you set in motion in November.

I've already asked once to talk to about it. That would be the easiest way for both of us. You didn't respond.

A poorer substitute would be posting negative reviews online. And an even worse one would be a complaint to your licensing board, for which I do have grounds. I am not interested in doing anything that would impact you negatively (because unlike you I am considering the possible effects of my actions).

Your very last email to me acted as though nothing were wrong between us. As though it were OK.

Guess what? It's not.

ATAT

Hey, I haven't posted here yet today though I did actually email T today, but I've been doing that every day since surgery. I feel like I've fallen down on my duties *teasing*.

Dear Dr. S, I'm in a good mood today - in this moment. Pain is under control and I'll be headed to bed shortly. I love you, where ever you are. Thank you for your support through this. I am feeling loved (in the general sense, right now). I might need you tomorrow night after family leaves. I hope you will be around to answer. Can't wait until Monday. Be Well, me.

T,

How do I tell you something so embarrassing. I can't even write it down because I'm too ashamed. I can't even THINK the words, much less write or say them...

Gosh I should just not tell.

T,
thank you for being in my dream today
it was a kind of creepy... but thank you anyway

Dear T,

So, you are back. Thank you for texting me to tell me, I really appreciate that for a couple of reasons. I was going to drop the letter off but I won't now, though, again, I really appreciate you sating I could email it.

I don't know how I feel about you being back. Relieved that you are OK. Anxious about seeing you again, in case you have changed. Angry that we haven't got a session today even though we probably could have (even though I know that is unrealistic because you literally just got back). Scared that it is all going to be difficult again.

Glad you are back though.

I've realised what I need from you on Wednesday. Ever since I stopped seeing x I knew we each held memories of our relationship. A relationship that was a huge influence on my life. We shared that even though I never saw him again. Now he is gone I am the only witness to that relationship. I'm the only one who knows what that was like.
I want you to bear witness to my relationship with him, so I don't have to carry it all by myself. I want you to acknowledge that he existed and that he and I existed together.

Thank you T. I am still unsure, but thank you. I am thankful that you are taking the time to read my journal, and that you will continue to do so tomorrow. I am thankful that you have done as you said (as always) and replied to it, despite not finishing it. You do know that no one has ever shown me that care like this is possible.

You haven't reached the darker bits yet but I am sure that you will understand, and react just as you always do.

I have been OK mainly, though I am not sure I would say 'on top of things'. That makes it sound like things have been good all of the time, which I think may be going a bit far.

Just be gentle with me, please. Don't expect too much and don't react like you did last time I showed you the angry/grumpy teenager. I think you were in over your head when that happened. You didn't know what to do, just like happened for real when I was a teenager. The only thing that you can do is to be there, to offer to come closer both physically and emotionally. Don't think that I am 'punishing' you, though I may well be. Don't think that you can't help, because you can. Don't push me away, pull me closer. This side of me needs a different experience too, you know. This side of me needs to know that it is OK now, that there is someone that can help. Maybe this would help me to get in touch with my feelings. This part of me felt a lot when I was there with you, but it got put away, it got sent away.

I am not saying that it will be there, but it might be, and o would like you yo know what to do. I know we have talked about it but I think you might have forgotten. Actually, I think you might have forgotten a lot of things, but I know, because of your text today, that you didn't forget about me, and that felt good.

t

i'm nervous about the email i just sent. i'm just angry i don't know what i'm doing. i think i'm causing a rupture for no good ****ing reason. oh god i really ****ed up

I wish I could speak to you right now. I need to speak to you right now.

soooo , i feel like my attachment to you has lessened. i think this is a good thing? it's bittersweet. im doing okay

me