I don't understand my feelings

So I usually feel pretty good days after the session, just lately I started to feel worse and I'm not sure why. I think partly it's because on my days off my mind goes crazy and I tend to ruminate a lot after the session.

Now it was even worse. After I left, I started to feel really sad, no idea why and then angry, no idea why, and I think I was even a little angry at my therapist, although he has done absolutely nothing wrong. And the session wasn't too deep or too intense so I don't understand why I have been having this horrible painful feeling on top of that.

I know I'm frustrated with myself because I don't know how to express or name my feelings and I feel really stupid sometimes because of that. But he is really the only person that has asked my what I'm feeling. He seems to think I'm avoiding feeling the feelings or talking about them.

I feel like I must annoy him and that he will quit on me or switch or forget our appointment although in a year and a half he has been very patient and consistent and has done nothing like that so I really don't have a logical reason to think that, nor I have a reason to be angry with him. So why the pain?

And I almost thought about canceling next time but I know I probably won't, because I think I'm starting to get attached to him, so that would be even more painful, but maybe I should just suck it up and stay busy.

I guess the question is... I have been doing a lot better opening up and feeling my feelings, more intense recently, so why am I going backwards and avoid feeling feelings and answering questions about them?

I've been exactly where you are.
For me, the anger, sadness and pain is where the brunt of the work was done.
If you can, talk to your T about these feelings you're having towards him.
The feelings I had came from childhood issues!

It's really tough going but you will get through it and feel better eventually.

This has happened to me as well, to ruminate more about the session when I had days off after. But when I did't have days off, I would get really anxious at work thinking about it.
I think attachment to the T might cause maybe issues because there can be a lot of expectations around being there, maybe you on some level want to be more open or feel more closeness. You said the session wasn't too deep or intense - maybe you had the need to actually go deeper into some issues and when it's not happening, your unexplored feelings stay with you and you start ruminating.
Of course I cannot know how this is in your case but I'm going through something similar.
I'm lately always getting sad when when I see there are only a few minutes left out of the session - which sucks, I don't like it at all.
Maybe talking to the T about all these could help..

Thanks, it's good to know I'm no alone. I know I should talk to him about it, sounds pretty terrifying though, I might have to write it down. I'm not sure how to connect it with my childhood, since I don't think i have anything major happen to me and we don't talk about childhood all that much

Hmm, I think you might be right. I definitely want to be more open and I do crave closeness, since I don't have it with anyone else. It's hard to admit, even to myself but now I think maybe I was upset because I actually wanted to go deeper. Last time we did, it was uncomfortable but I felt really good and closer afterwards so it makes sense I would crave that now, I just don't know why I keep avoiding it at the same time.

You said you're going through something similar, have you talked to your therapist about it? I know I should I just really don't know how to talk about that

I recently went through something similar. I've been seeing my T for 18 months, and a few months ago, things just got hard. I would leave most sessions feeling...I don't even know what. The session could be fine, normal, but in the car on the drive home, I'd start feeling something--sad, disappointed, angry. Lots and lots of feelings between sessions.

I started feeling like he was frustrated, impatient, tired of me, like I'd burned him out or used him up. (This is not due to anything he did or didn't do.) And then, all of a sudden, something shifted and a few weeks ago I just opened up, went deep, talked about things I have been unable to talk about thus far (love) and things feel different now. Hugely different.

I'm not sure what to think. I may have been getting ready to do really good/hard work and that was part of the lead up. Or maybe I took the leap and am doing good/hard work because the spinning and ruminating and feeling bad just felt so bad. Maybe he was frustrated at our lack of progress and I sensed that, or, more likely, I was projecting onto him. Regardless, I am in a COMPLETELY different place almost overnight. All of a sudden the trust goes so much deeper and we have had a string of good (intense, but good) sessions and I feel shockingly stable between sessions considering the content of what I'm talking about is stuff I have avoided, that was simply too painful or overwhelming, for the past year and a half.

So...who knows. Maybe you're getting ready to go deep and are simply hesitating? Maybe this will propel you forward? Maybe it's just random and part of this wild, crazy journey? Hang in there!

It's a wild, crazy journey that's for sure...

Thanks, that's great you were able to do that! Sounds like you felt the same way I do now, so that's kind of giving me hope that maybe I will get there, because I really want to, just not sure what's stopping me. I guess I need to push through the fear and see what's there. I wonder what shifted for you?

I wish you all the luck, it really is a wild journey

Well, I haven't talked about my attachment issues with him yet, I'm trying to solve those by myself for now. Not sure either, what to say.
I have repeatedly told him that I feel I cannot express myself, I am not me there, or just partially me, I feel detached from myself and anxious a lot of times. But my anxiety is an issue in my life now in general, so maybe it's no big surprise that I'm like that there.
I'm also having this huge fear that I don't want to get to the conclusion that I am too attached to him and then I should not go anymore - probably because I am too attached.
What has helped, to accept all this. The anxiety, the not being able to talk, the feeling like crap after. But that doesn't mean the situation should stay that way.
I know, it's hard, it's like impossible to accept feeling like crap because that would mean you don't feel like crap anymore

Also you mentioned about craving closeness as you don't have it right now in your life. That can really cause the expectations to go high and it's an impossible task because we know that he can't be that person we need in our lives and don't have. I have the same issue. But this realisation in itself could help, that we have the issue.

For me, to put it bluntly and simply, it was a fake relationship that sometimes felt real. It would never meet any of my real needs, but at times it felt close. Thus, pain.

Thanks for your reply. I've never thought that I had an attachment issue, and I still don't think that, I think maybe I'm just having hard time in general and he is the person I sort of rely but I only have an hour a week and so I guess I get anxious. But maybe I do expect to feel better afterward for a few days, at least that's what I was used to but I do realize he is not there to make me feel better so I guess I better get used to feeling like crap. Maybe it will help me talk more about harder subjects.

Thanks, and I understand what you're saying, and I thought about it the same way at some point. But I don't expect anything more real than it is. It is real for me when I'm there but I know it can't give me everything I need. In some way it sometimes gives me more than I thought it would when I started. So in a way it's meaningful and the pain is a part of it. I'm jus trying to accept it

I get angry, sad, and disgusted at myself when I feel like our session was unproductive. I get a bit of that towards my therapist too. Knowing that he's on my team and getting his assistance on the problems during the previous week is something that gives me strength to get through the following week. His stability is part of what helps me be stable. When I don't get that reconnection with him, even if I didn't know how to do any better, it bothers me.

I didn't expect anything either, nevertheless strong needs were stirred up by the nature of the relationship. I found it a cruel trap. Someone playing this caring and attentive role, but in a contrived way and with the intention of frustratimg those needs (for dubious purposes), and only for an hour per week, no more. This is a recipe for pain, and for what?

Hm, that explains it very well for me, I think I just didn't realize it or find th right words for it. But that is how I feel most of the time, thanks

Hm, so you're saying it's only going to end up in pain because of the nature of the relationship? I thought it was supposed to help somehow and actually I thought it was , and still is helping. You're probably right about the stirring up the need I didn't know I had before and it does get me worried but it also makes me curious and now I want to know what else is there. I still hope it's worth it although I have my doubts