Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Jun 09, 2017, 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Dear T,

I must have called four times today and wussed out at about the third ring each time. I hope you don’t have some sort of caller ID system. I kept thinking, “What’s the point?”

And, really, what is the point? What’s the point in seeing you if I’m this ambivalent about whether I even want to see you? If I don’t want to do work.

And I don’t. I really, really don’t. I’m not even sure I’m capable of that. Maybe I lack something. The fortitude? The constitution?

Oh, that’s right – The courage. To heal.

I’ve always hated that ****ing book title. Always hated that idea. It enrages me for reasons I can’t articulate.

I stopped coming in because I felt bad about myself. The longer I stayed away, the more phobic I got about returning. It reminds me of that time you led me into an exam room for session.

I think that was bad practice, by the way. Just like I think it’s bad practice that you apparently can’t, I don’t know, put a sign on the door or just train the ****ing techs not to walk in on our EMDR sessions.

Anyway, one would think your presence would make the exam room more tolerable. That’s a thing, right? Having a ‘safe person’ when facing a phobia? But you didn’t make the exam room better. The exam room made you worse. I wanted to punch you right in that expression of mild surprise.

I was afraid of you.

Not that I’d ever tell you that. Apparently I lack the courage to be forthcoming, too.

Anyway, this is kind of like that. I find myself going about my day, and -BAM!- there you are, suddenly popping up between me and my scrambled eggs. Always the same image – you leaning forward slightly, reaching toward my face. I’ve actually developed this weird little twitch when that happens, as if jerking away from the memory of your fingers waving about my face.

And that makes me feel terrible, of course. You’ve been nothing but helpful and I thank you for it by cringing. And disappearing. And calling your office four times without leaving a message.

****.

Argo

I wanted to show support re: that book. The title always made me angry as well. It made me angry because for me, it somehow implied weakness. I am not weak. I was made to feel weak because I was victimized and had no way to retaliate. I hope that you're able to battle past this ambivalence.

junkDNA · Jun 09, 2017, 07:27 PM

Please help T

atisketatasket · Jun 09, 2017, 07:30 PM

Argo -

"You've been nothing but helpful?" Doesn't quite seem that way to me. Five-minute sessions because he can't manage his time, months to return a phone call, using you as an EMDR guinea pig...don't feel terrible. He does sound like a nice guy, but it takes two people to make and break a relationship.

And 100% with you on the title of that book.

And I cannot imagine anything more deleterious to an EMDR session than it being interrupted.

junkDNA · Jun 09, 2017, 08:53 PM

I took 15 benadryls last week. I threw them up after i woke up and then fell back asleep too morning.. I told you that. I wish I could reach out to you. When things get this bad

Argonautomobile · Jun 09, 2017, 09:22 PM

Hang in there, Junk. We're here for you.

Argonautomobile · Jun 09, 2017, 09:24 PM

Thank you, Dasydid. That means a lot to me.

And thank you, ATAT. Funny how we have these filters for people. I'm glad you reminded me of these things. This was very valuable. Thank you.

stopdog · Jun 09, 2017, 10:29 PM

I too found the c t h book to be total crap. But it was the teddy bear picnic that sent me over the edge at it.

~Isola~ · Jun 09, 2017, 11:30 PM

This thing is breaking me.

Jun 10, 2017, 01:56 AM

I don't know how you persuaded my sister to see you but if you hurt her like you hurt me....and I know you are setting her up for a fall......you'll have to answer to ME!!!! I won't hold back.

LonesomeTonight · Jun 10, 2017, 08:28 AM

Yes, please hang in there JD. I'm sure it would be OK to reach out to your T if you're feeling that bad again...I'm sure he'd prefer that to the alternative...

Jun 10, 2017, 08:34 AM

Would you know the difference between a curious, nosey, gawker and a concerned citizen?

The answer is NO you wouldn't.

Elio · Jun 10, 2017, 10:53 PM

Dear Dr. S,

You are still so far away from me. I think we are broken. Do you want it back? And when I say want, I mean it in a clinical way, does it need to be back for things to progress? I'm not sure I want it back.

There has been an element for the break that has been nice and that is the less obsessive thoughts about you, longing for you, wanting you, stressing about emailing you. The bad has been not feeling loved by you, not wanting to be open to you, ambivalent about seeing you/continuing, feeling like I am just a job. I don't like feeling like I am just a job.

Holding on until Monday,
-Me

Jun 11, 2017, 05:24 AM

I am sick of you bad mouthing me to people. You make assumptions based on very little information and you never ask me to clarify anything. You are judgmental based on appearances and have proven yourself to be a shallow human being. You have the "poor boy" act down to a science as well as the "know it all" therapist. You have snowed some intelligent people and it scares me that you are still working as a counselor. I'm afraid for the clients you currently see. They are the real losers.

subtle lights · Jun 11, 2017, 06:17 AM

I always need to tell you somehing so I speak to you in my head and sometimes out loud when I'm alone at home and I'm always alone at home.

Anyway, I'm still not feeling the help. I am still self destructing. I would like some help from you, some acknowledgement that I need help and maybe suggesting some.

But wait. I forgot, your approach is the one where you never interfere and leave me to realise things alone. I could bleed to death in front of you and you won't say a thing.

Maybe this is what is happening. I wonder when will you say something.

DodgersMom · Jun 11, 2017, 07:00 AM

Thank you for being so compassionate with me.

Elio · Jun 11, 2017, 08:15 AM

Struggling with the missing you feelings this morning. Damn you for being human. Damn you for being there in such a way that resulted in me loving you. Just damn you. *said in a more defeated anger, than pissed anger*

healed84 · Jun 11, 2017, 08:41 AM

T-

If you see me in church today will you it's the fake me? Will you know that I put on the dress and came to church because my daughter wants to go before her last performance this afternoon? Or will you assume I am magically feeling better and those two appointments I have scheduled for next week are not needed?

I need the solace of church right now to put my mind to rest.

awkwardlyyours · Jun 11, 2017, 09:56 AM

Dear Current T --

I'm now almost 100% certain that I'm stuck in an open-ended background investigation for my immigration application.

I'm paralyzed with fear that it's not going to end well and I don't want to think about what it's going to mean for the rest of my life and dealing with my family and all that good stuff. To top it, I'm kicking myself for not doing something super basic like taking copies of all that I'd sent.

But, above all, I am realizing that I'm incredibly reluctant to talk to you about any of it. Your responses (based on the past) will be a combination of un-understanding extreme empathy (you understandably have no clue about the system and so, you'll feel like you need to overcompensate or something with a whole lot of overt empathy which'll drive me nuts) or questioning me closely on every single detail (I know you think using a logical approach like that might help but to me, it'll just come across as you thinking I'm being paranoid, when really trust me, I'm not).

Either of those responses will leave me feeling a lot worse than where I started. I'd rather pretend that you will 'get it' when I tell you versus actually verifying and learning that you don't.

And, I'm increasingly not sure how to keep showing up and talking about other stuff while I'm feeling more and more nauseous about this crap...

- AY

junkDNA · Jun 11, 2017, 10:30 AM

Omg T...

LonesomeTonight · Jun 11, 2017, 12:09 PM

Dear MC,
So is it a sign of progress that I didn't expect you to respond to my response to your response to my e-mail. And then when I saw you wrote back and hour ago, I didn't get all weepy? But was just pleasantly surprised? (OK, maybe slightly misty-eyed for a second.) I'll just go ahead and consider it progress. Got to take what small victories I can sometimes...

Sad we aren't seeing you tomorrow at our usual time, though it's definitely better that I don't see you and T in the same 3-hour time frame. So, hope to see you at our rescheduled time Wed. morning.

Love,
LT

Ms.Lizette · Jun 11, 2017, 12:15 PM

Dear T

I am looking forward to your call because I need to talk to you so badly, but I know I will be disappointed because you really suck over the phone (you are amazing in real life, don't get me wrong!!!!)
That casual tone you get, even when we talk about difficult things...that casual tone I get...even when all I want to tell you is I can't take it anymore.

T - How are you doing?
Me- Well, I am just doing stuff
T - OK, how has the weekend been?
Me - Well, nothing special
T - OK, anything else on your mind?
Me - Nope
T - OK, see you next time then
Me - See you

My mind ####!!^%4#@!!!*****!11***!!@3@!

junkDNA · Jun 11, 2017, 12:18 PM

Why can't I stop rubbing my ears. Its hot and I want to wear my hair up but it makes it worse. I just rub and rub them like wtf is wrong with ME

DodgersMom · Jun 11, 2017, 12:26 PM

I will take you up on your offer and call you tomorrow, just know how insanely hard this is for me, I guess I am trusting you more and more.

LonesomeTonight · Jun 11, 2017, 12:28 PM

OK, started new Dear T thread:
https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...ml#post5690750

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Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

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