Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Dear T.

I think it's time I write a prescription for you. I want you to go without. Go without work, friends, family and fun. Go without for an entire year. This prescription should cure you of the ailments I believe you have. Come back to see me in 1 year and we'll see what condition you are in. This is somewhat of an experiment but I get to dictate this time. No contact with anyone....it will be good for you because I said so, plain and simple.

While you are living alone, I will take your friends, your job, your family and fun for my own pleasure.

This is a really hard place.

It felt good and was good but as things go, it's opened up other things.

It's ok.

Thank you for being there.

Oh, I know. And that's what MC said, too, or at least not to expect it to be that quick. But I also feel like I've been working on it little bits at a time for about 2 years now, so maybe it's time to try a slightly different approach.

Especially because, as I was saying to T yesterday, I feel like I'm in this place where I'm ready to change and move forward, but also afraid of it. Like with the standing up to/expressing anger at T/MC, the feeling less attached one week, then the next this big surge of transference. It's like I'm a teen who knows I need to separate from my "parents" and is ready in some ways--like, I want the car keys!--but also still wants them to hold me sometimes. In this case, not necessarily terminate, but just become less attached (so that I *can* eventually feel ready to terminate). And I want to try to do that while I'm in this sort of transitional state, rather than wait till I slip back into extended hopeless transference/attachment again, which I fear will happen.

I told MC in an e-mail this week how I feel like at this point, I'm not so much obsessed with him as a person (or his family) anymore, but with figuring out what he represents to me. He said that showed progress and said "good." So I guess it's more about wanting to further explore what he represents to me and what that means, rather than actually resolving the transference. (And then I can work on that stuff more with my T.) Because, yeah, I'm deluding myself if I think "OK, in 3 short weeks, the transference will be all resolved!" That sounds like some sort of infomercial for "Transference-B-Gone."

Screw all the fancy terms. I love you with the intensity of a thousand deranged monkeys. Why? YOU TELL ME. I'm once again pissed at you and your judgment that's clear as day but you won't admit to. Quit fussing over my marriage and help me sort out my head instead. I can't just pack away my silly feelings for you and go on my merry way. If you want to help me AND my marriage, you need to quit with the judgment, help me dig deeper and resolve this. Seriously. Don't treat me like a child or an idiot or a dog you're trying to train. It's not like it just hasn't occurred to me to look for this ******* magic within my marriage. I've never cheated, I'm committed to my wife, and my feelings for her are solid. You know this. All of it. I am not bored or looking for adventure and I don't want to be this way, but I don't know how to stop it. Do I need to point out to you that I have some mental health issues? Yeah, that's kinda why I came to see you in the first place.

Also, would you mind wearing a paper bag over your head, so I wouldn't have to look at that gorgeous, perfect face of yours, because it just about kills me.

ARGH.

So when you said that you'd like to do EMDR, did you mean next session or at some point in the nebulous future?

Because if you meant next time, as in Saturday, I haven't freaked out about this enough yet. Commence freaking out in 3, 2...

Daisy

I think I saw your back through a window today. I'd just finished up my PCP appointment. The Dr. was nice, I guess. As nice as anyone can be in 7 minutes. He had a nice face, did most of my talking for me, gave me a PRN for the dentist.

Weird how I recognize your back. I guess it makes sense - you always walk ahead of me. You were standing, talking. A sign on the door indicated you were in a meeting for that project you manage.

I hope your presentation went well. I almost did a double-take; wanted to walk back and look again, but I didn't. I could make an appointment if I really wanted to see you so badly.

I don't, though. Seeing you makes me feel like a loser. Not seeing you makes me feel like a loser, too.

Hi T,
I regret that I wanted to show you my world. My life. My pain?
I want you to go away. You're cruel. There's no way you could ever understand...

Tomorrow is gonna suck, prepare for my first break down. I am too emotionally drained, I am sure it's coming

As always I will do my best to avoid you this weekend, but bumping into you is inevitable. I said just a nod but really really want something more but I am so shy I can't let myself do more.

I Know you love me. When I think back. On everything. I just know

You know I still love you, right. I don't want to. I want to lock that all away. I think we've gone too far, I don't think we can put this genie back in the bottle. I need you to tell me that all of my parts are wanted and welcomed so he will take down the net and let me reach out to you. I want to be wanted.

**PC group - please don't tell me that I am wanted**

Hugs Elio, I can relate a little. I want T to tell me all my parts are welcome and wanted. Including the important part of me wanting to talk to her about my sexual orientation, and about my gender identity confusion

Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you bad
But I did it anyway
And now maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway
And so maybe
Your friends they stand around they watch you crumble
As you fall to the ground
And someday
Your friends they stand beside as you were flying
Oh you were flying oh so high
But then some day people look at you for what they call their own
They watch you suffer
Yeah they hear you calling home
But then some day we could take our time
To brush the leaves aside so you can reach us
But you left me far behind

Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no

Couldn't share the pain they watch you suffer
Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes
But I live with what I've known
And then maybe we might share in something great
But won't you look at where we've grown
Won't you look at where we've gone
But then someday comes tomorrow holds a sense of what I fear for you in my mind
As you trip the final line
And that cold day when you lost control
Shame you left my life
So soon you should have told me
But you left me far behind

Now maybe I didn't meant to treat you oh so bad
Oh but I did it anyway

Kashi I know you are distractable at times but you did say you were going to check in on me this week. I wanted it maybe didn't need it but was hurt that you forgot. If I'm going to go any deeper you need to be more reliable. Do what you say you are going to do. Please

Dear No. 3,

You got your list of questions. I hope you can see your way to answering them honestly.

ATAT

M.

I'm pretty deep in this and there is no one to talk to that understands.

I tried to reach out to my friend. Fail.

My husband is trying, I'm thankful, but he just doesn't get it.

It's too much that I want to say and talk about that only you would understand.

I'm alone with too much in my mind.

It's good, in a way, it would be better if I could verbalize it with someone who would understand.

See you Monday.

Thank you!!

So I hear you credit yourself with being psychic (on top of all the other qualities you credit yourself for). Can you read my mind from afar? Do you know what I'm thinking right now?? .......

I miss you. I'm getting on with my life, but there's a hole in it.

Dear T,
I'm not angry with you anymore. I believe you that you love me and are doing this because of that love. See, I did not email you a nasty, angry email. I cried instead and went out to eat with a friend. I'm​ sorry my video didn't get to you and I appreciate your replying with a sad face! I could send photos of the kids but maybe I can hold off.

I wish I knew how your daughter's wedding plans are coming along! I have the right to ask how much time you're taking off but I'll try to wait.

I think there is also a 30 something part who couldn't cope with life after her mother died. No one has taken her place but I wanted Ts to. My mother didn't encourage me to grow up. You have. I need your support and love though. I am grateful I do have it even when it is tough love . I don't want you to leave me yet. I don't want to leave you either. I wish I could get through this stuff faster but I can't.

Love,
rainbow

Hi T,

I wish I could be in touch with you. I wish that was something you had offered. I wish we could have had a much stronger bond than what we have. A special relationship. This stems from my desire for intimacy with people I am attracted to.

I know that any relationship you would want would have to be in the confines of the therapeutic model. I do not find the decision for non-engagement during this break to be mutual. I do not want to put my desires out in front of you in fear of them being refused and the inferior position that I have in this relationship be slapped to me.

I wish this relationship could be so much more. But it can’t and it won’t. And hence, it will be another frustrating experience for me.

Yours,
schizoid

J,

I didn't tell you last session about the disturbing images that flashed in my mind's eye during that moment when I zoned/spaced. Honestly, though, I appreciate that you noticed both that something happened and that I wasn't ready to talk about it.

This week has been really hard not having a 2nd session with you, but I'm afraid to get used to 2 sessions a week with you. I don't want to attach to you like I did to S. I don't want to think of you or feel things towards you. I'm too scared of getting hurt again. But, admittedly, I am relieved to have a session today. :\

I'd like to live in your handbag for a few days!!!

i can't stop thinking about you today. part of me can't wait to see you again - the other part is scared to see you. i can't get too close. i can't let you hurt me like everyone else has.

I'm scared to tell you the truth. I don't want to go inpatient. If I tell you the truth, you'll have to call the mental health deputies. I'm fine sometimes, but then I'm not, and I know you said I could text or call you you when that happens, but I really don't want to go inpatient.

T: have a great vacation next week.it is supposed to be HOT, so glad you'll be at the beach with your family.