Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

hi t,

thank you for the past 2 days. you've exceeded my expectations.

me

Dear L

I wish you had talked me out of going 2.5 weeks without an appointment.

Well, you did say I could email or set something up if things got bad but...... I have no idea how to talk to you about what I'm experiencing so would it help? You are always so logical. Sometimes it's very helpful. I like things that are logical and intellectual. But other times it makes me afraid that you won't believe me or take me seriously.

Dear Dr S,

Please let you be as I hope and not as I fear tomorrow. I don't want this to be the end. Even with everything of the last few weeks, I still love you and I don't want to have to leave you.

Here's to wishing on a star,
me

T-

I understand why you haven't and probably won't reply to my email. I know it's all stuff that we should talk about face to face. I just wish you would acknowledge it and tell me I need to start coming twice a week, or tel me in need to stop emailing or say something. Thursday appointment should be interesting

I'm here for my final session. And you're 15 minutes late. Should I just walk out again like that other time you were 20 minutes late?! Well sorry you're stuck with me, I need my last script for meds. And I get to slow down and catch my breath.

Dear Smaug,

I just woke up from a horrible nightmare about you, in which you



I don't think we need to do a lot of interpretation there.

ATAT

This is how I think your cancellation list works, it either doesn't exist and you are saying I am on it to appease me or if someone cancels you put me in the too hard basket see someone else or do paperwork and chalk it up to good self care. Pat on the back to you.

Why would you teach someone how to be cruel? As if they needed much of a lesson. You've really done damage that can't be reversed.

T,

One of the reasons my abuser sibling hurt me was because I am female. He told me. You wouldn't be able to help me sort that out and my gender identity confusion. I wish you could, I wish you wanted to. But you can't and you don't.

Some people hate their gender because of the gender based violence they experienced but they aren't confused they're male or female or in between.

How do I tell you when you're going to be more clueless than me?

Dear T,
Really anxious about seeing you today. I know you're just going to try to explain how I misunderstood all the stuff you said last week. I'm not sure how to convey to you that it's not just *what* you said, but *how* you said it to me. And why it hurt. An apology would go a long way, but not sure if I'll get one.

Hoping you'll have talked to MC by the time of our appointment, so you can share what you talked about, though not sure if you'll have found time to meet with him. MC said Monday that you were going to set an actual meeting appointment with him, which suggested it wasn't on the books yet. I know you only work one day next week, so if you don't see him by the end of today, it will be another 2 weeks. I'm just really anxious about the meeting and don't want to have to wonder for another 2 weeks what you'll talk about...

Be kind to me today...

Love,
LT

Dear MC,
I hope you write back in the next few days. I had this delusion that you'd respond last night, since you seem to have often responded on Tuesdays in the past. Plus I'm super anxious about T today, so something from you might have helped...though I guess that would have depended on what you said... But just whenever you have time.

I'm mostly wondering what you think of the idea, if H agrees (and I suspect he would, because he knows how I'm struggling), to focus on the transference for a few weeks in the hopes of resolving some of those issues and then we can focus pretty much solely on the marriage. Because I don't know how much longer I want to continue on in this state, of sort of touching on it a bit but not really, like just treating the symptom of the moment but not addressing the bigger picture. Because then it just festers more. I need the therapy equivalent of a strong course of antibiotics. Then if that doesn't help, need to think about walking away, I guess. Or figuring out other ways to deal with it.

Also hate that we won't see you till Wed. (which suggests the whole "walking away" option would be really difficult...since it's only 2 more days than normal...). But I think that's better than seeing both you and T within a 3-hour time frame...Because that probably would have overwhelmed my brain, based on the other couple times I saw both of you the same day...

Love,
LT

Dear T,
Can't wait to see you this week. Thanks for making the time.

Work feels insane right now. The Irony! They say that Life is what happens when you want to get other things done. I feel like it's the other way around. I want to get LIFE done if all this other stuff would calm down, I would be happy to focus on me. I'm finally starting to feel better about being with myself.

On that topic, I almost got a crush. I'm looking at that. I got hooked real fast and almost let myself get absorbed by someone else again. It's so easy for me to get lost in the idea of "Them" — I was only saved by the reality that she is straight. Whew! But this woman led me on a little bit. She fed that 'energy' and made me think she was interested in me. Weird. I wanna talk to you about it but I'm seriously wondering if this is something you can get. You don't know what it is to be Gay and have Straight women flirt with you for attention. , I'm even betting that you might have likely been on the other side of that scenario at some point. How many lesbian clients do you know have a crush on you?

Can I complain about this in your office, I'm wondering? "The annoying straight women who flirt for attention... " I'm already trying to figure out how to phrase it out of concern for YOUR feelings or perception. There goes my codependent side again.

Oh well. I'm gonna do it. Buckle up. You're a professional you know your job. See you soon.

Even after such a long break you still don't flinch or run when I get too close, you even nuzzled back a bit this time. I still don't know WHY you put up with me, but I'm so glad you do.

Sorry to hear

I've had some terrifying dreams on that level and they are definitely triggering. I hope you're feeling ok today. Not fun!

I honestly wonder if that will really "fix" the transference by focusing on it for just a few weeks, even if it is the ony thing you guys discuss. It seems your transference for MC goes deeper than what a few sessions can work on. I gather from all the transference posts I've read over the years, it is a continuous process.

Yes, it does feel weird and unsettling. Not sure if I want to talk about it or not, just let it be. I want to play swaps with you. We have been meaning to for ages but we haven't. The work has got in the way.

It isn't fair. Why couldn't I have had a Mum like you. Why couldn't you have been there and saved me from it all. Not fair at all. I wanted that. I needed that. Love. Not too much to ask for, was it? No, it wasn't, well it shouldn't have been anyway.

You're thinking just like a T! Part of MC's response to me a couple hours ago:

"I am ok with discussing this in session with you and H, but sometimes, things take time. Sometimes, it is not solely the number of hours you spend on a topic in therapy, it can also be the time in between sessions that matter. So we can discuss this, but I don't want to predict that three intensive weeks working on this will necessarily move us beyond it. It might take time."

You are away for 3 weeks now and because I wasn't able to see you last week, it will be nearly a month before I can see you again.

I know you think I will be ok, because CMHT are stepping in and you hope they will take over or at least hold me until things are more stable. I wish I had the same level of confidence in them that you do.

I am meeting my new CPN (R) for the first time tomorrow, since the rupture with the current one (S) it is a handover meeting between the 3 of us, I know that is the right way to do things but I wish I could meet R on her own, without S there. I am worried that R's view of me will already be negatively prejudiced and that I won't get a fair chance to build the trusting relationship with her that I should have had with S from the start.

Over the past 2 years, you have pretty much been my only outlet for all the **** that is going on in my life. Now I have to navigate this new path alone knowing you are not there as a sounding board.
I am torn between wanting to run away from the whole thing and knowing that this is probably last chance saloon for me and that I need to accept their help.

I. Am. Hurting.

Please please please don't hurt me today. I'm scared. 2 hours to go. please please be there for me in the way I think I need. You say trust my gut, well my gut says I need this. So, please explore with me.

i wish it was friday already, i seriously feel like i am gonna have a breakdown. this is too much to handle on my own....

Apparently it's dream-about-SA week for me.

I hate that week

Dear Dr. S,

Thank you for today and being attentive to what I had to say. There is still one more topic to talk about. On one hand it seems like it should be easier because it doesn't feel like it is so much a confrontation. On the other hand, it seems so risky because it is the "ask" part of what I have to talk about. Asking is such a stressful thing for me when I really want something. If I don't really care that much about it, it's not a big deal. I really want this and I'm afraid you'll say no.

Thank you for taking ownership of the part I felt you owned and apologizing for it.

I wished I was seeing you on Friday because Monday seems so far away without emailing you. And I forgot to tell you about grandson.

be well,
me

sorry but i really don't think transference gets solved in a few weeks