Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Can't you call her tomorrow, or email her?

Dear Dr. S,

I am thinking it is time for me to stop with the books and the playing. Something doesn't feel right about it anymore. I think it is time for me to stop loving you.

-me

Dear No. 3,

Was it something I said? It makes no sense to be silent for months, and then when I am about to give up, write and say, hey, let's have that closure session you keep asking for.

It would be nice if I felt you wanted to do this. But, I guess if I got what I think I need I can't complain about that.

Or maybe you are playing with my head again? That would be so you.

ATAT

T2,

My head won't shut up. I have written 13 pages (8x6 inch pages, but for me that is still the equivalent of a novel). I feel like I have gnats buzzing around in my brain, and it is incredibly uncomfortable.

I guess it is my OCD, needing to try and write down everything he & I talked about last night over those 3 hours. I hate it, though. I know it's not all important; maybe none of it really is. Because what difference does any of it really make anyway?

T,

I forgot about the holiday tomorrow and was planning on my Monday visit. Today I reviewed my week and thought about what I needed your help with. Tonight my husband reminded me of the holiday. Now the hardest parts of the week are fresh on my mind and I don't have therapy until Thursday.

I've kind of wanted to email you all week but haven't yet. I wasn't sure what to say and actually felt rather secure about our relationship after our good discussion last week so felt alright not emailing.

Now that I realize I have 4 more days...

I'm struggling with the knowledge of not having my session tomorrow because of the holiday. I wasn't happy at first about the situation but was okay with it. Now? I feel... I don't know what word to use to label my feelings at the moment. Perhaps I feel a level of devastation at the realization of your absence since last Tuesday. You'll be back this Tuesday, but I still won't have my session until next week. I remember last year you came on a holiday to see me because you knew I needed you. This year, you didn't do the same, and it feels sort of wretched I guess. I'm jealous that your other clients get to have your attention this week and I don't. It hurts I guess. It hurts not being that important anymore.

They finally uploaded your interview! Listening it

Do you hate me?

Dear MC,
Nervous to see you today. But feel better about the stuff I was worried about because you responded with your usual "no worries, LT" to my text apologizing for my Sat. night text. And you thought that my insight was good.

I just suspect at least part of today's session will be spent addressing the stuff from the end of last session, about how it often feels like you think I'm the one who causes the issues and who has to change or adapt in the marriage. I hope you thought about it more like you said you would. Though I'm a little concerned you'll say you don't think you've done that at all. I just hope you maybe take a little bit of responsibility or say you understand how at times it may have come off that way, even if you didn't intend it. That you were just trying to help me, and didn't mean to act like I was the broken one, the screw-up. I don't even think I'm looking for an apology, just an acknowledgment, some validation (even though, yeah, I know, my feelings are valid simply because they're my feelings).

So, see you this afternoon (unless we have to cancel for some reason--am I ever going to stop worrying that we'll have to cancel at the last minute, whether because of something with you or with us?)
LT

I was thinking what did I see in your eyes. Was it...love????
I don't mean romantic attraction of course. And I can't be sure because nobody ever loved me.
It was something warm. Something fantastic.
It was more than a week ago and I still can feel it. Seems you don't hate me???
It just can't be a true. I'm sure you hate me

How much of the work that we've done is beneficial, and how much has been self-serving? Have I just been blinded by your empathy and unconditional positive regard to see that you were engaged in our work for YOU?

I'm not sure if I want to yell at you or cry. I need to protect myself, but the idea of finding another T frightens me. It was hard enough to admit that I needed a T again in the first place. And now this?

Saturday cant come soon enough.

Hi T,

Good news: I've managed not to hurt myself

Bad news: my thoughts are escalating quickly . I shouldn't know as much about pharmacy... so uhm. Say something smart tomorrow. Please?

Dear MC,
I really thought I was OK and content after today's session, but apparently it just took a little time to catch up with me. It's partly what I texted you about, that I'm upset with you for how you handled that topic. It's probably partly that we talked about parenting stuff, which seems to trigger the transference. And you had your glasses off for half the session, which you haven't done in a really long time.

And...did you wink at me after i showed you the cute photo of D on my phone? (Or maybe you had something in your eye.) If you did, I'm sure it was in a paternal way. But I think it reminded me of how that teacher winked at me on occasion. So I'm having like a paternal transference flashback or something. But I'm not putting that in the text because I don't know for sure you were winking.

Maybe I still feel guilty for talking with T about all the boundary stuff...I don't think I can talk about that with you though. Especially if all it might do is mean you'd take stuff away...

Sorry for the text though...I know you're off tomorrow, so who knows if you'll respond anytime soon. And you'll likely just give me an "I'm sorry you feel that way" kind of apology, though as a T, I would hope you would know better than that!
Love,
LT

I'm missing you. Normally I would be sitting in the waiting room with 3 mins to go. I'm trying to let you go

kill u

.....

Dear T, I need help.

Me version one: If we'll only talk superficial crap again, I swear I'm gonna explode in a angry outburst.

Me version two: Please tell me you care, please don't be mad at me.

.......

Not sure I can wait until Friday to see you...last week's session really messed with me. I left dissociated and I just wanted to talk to you after I finally came back around. Maybe if you responded to my email, that would help. I think I made a mistake writing that I didn't need anything from you. I need a response, even if it's short.

There are a few things I want to ask you this week but I'll be lucky if I can get the courage to ask one of them. I want to know why you decided to become a T. For some reason, that really matters to me. Also, I want to know when it's okay to call you. However, I'm worried that your answer will be that it's not okay. I also am curious as to what your schedule is. I know if varies a bit but if I knew when you actually worked, I wouldn't be so afraid to call as long as I knew you were in the office.

Maybe I'll ask you these things this week...or maybe I'll chicken out...

Dear MC,
Maybe part of this is because you said you'd rather be elsewhere on this holiday but that you chose to "be responsible" and come into work (even though the office was technically closed). I know it was in the context of talking about some stuff with our daughter, but there's still something to thinking that you'd rather be, say, at a cookout instead of talking to us at that moment. Like...that doesn't trigger abandonment fears at all, nope!
--LT

Oh jeez
I'd have lost it.

Dear LT's MC and Daisy's T:

You guys are usually good. Recently you've been not good. STOP IT.

Daisy

I want to email you. don't go ... don't go... don't go, I know it won't change anything, please don't go. There I said it

?????????

I am pretty sure my T would have rather had the whole day off, but she needs money, so she worked half a day. I am not bothered by a statement like that, because he was attentive and fully "there" with you guys today, right?

There are many days where I wish I had the day off, but am still fully there for my kiddos. It doesn't mean I don't care for them anymore, just that sometimes it is nice to have a break

Thanks, Daisy and Velcro. I'm making an attempt to be the most annoying client of the month by sending an additional text about that. I think the difference is feeling/thinking it, vs. actually saying it. And really, the biggest part for me (which is what I emphasized in the horribly annoying text), is that it's a huge reminder that I'm horribly attached to this person, but to him, even though I know he genuinely cares, I'm ultimately just a job, a paycheck. And he probably came in today more for the purpose of making money than anything (he's off every other day this week except for Wed.). Maybe it especially struck me too because normally we pay the receptionist before session, but because the office was closed, it was MC who swiped our credit card after session. (though I let H take care of that). So maybe felt more like a financial transaction that way.

I hope he says something back to me in the next couple days. I think he has something going on tomorrow morning, but then was originally going to work the afternoon, but told us (when scheduling last week) he decided he should probably take that off too. But if he's working a regular day Wed., maybe he'll at least say something then?

I feel like this is all part of the process of working through transference, but it really sucks, whatever this stage is. Reality, maybe?