On Friday T and I were discussing why it is so hard for me to talk about my feeling towards him. I told him, "I know that typically it is supposed to be okay for me to feel these things... to say these things to you because you are my therapist... but rather, it ends up being the opposite... I feel as though since you are my therapist, I shouldn't feel these things for you.... because essentially, it's like feeling strong emotion for a stranger."

And he seemed surprised. He said, "A stranger? How long have we been working together?"

Two years next month.

And then I sort of felt bad. I didn't know if he was hurt by me calling him a stranger. I didn't ask either. Looking back, I wish I asked how he felt when I said that. I want to ask him that next week.

I have gotten somewhat past viewing T as an object. Every since he began disclosing some emotion to me, I have been able to see him as a human, I have been able to see the real relationship, as he has openly reciprocating the connection in so many ways.

But while I see him as (part) human, I also see him as sort of a stranger. And I break things down to the point in which I am telling myself...... how stupid to feel all of these things for someone who is essentially a stranger to me. A therapist. Not a friend, a husband, or a companion.... someone that I know almost nothing about.

So I feel embarrassed and stupid for having these feelings towards T, a stranger.

A stranger who calls me out of the blue to recommend a book he thinks I would like.

Do strangers do that?

Probably not.

But still....

[Perna]

Quit getting your head involved where your feelings are concerned! I know you've heard of love at first sight. Talk about strangers! :-) And I know I got cold feet at the altar, after 5 years of intimacy with the man I was marrying because I suddenly thought, "What do I really know about him???!!" LOL

You know you (we all do!) have all kinds of "balances" going on to help you with your distances to/from others/your T. It's a dance and I think you're calling up the stranger thing when you get afraid of the intimacy? Intimate thought? He's a stranger. He seems to be distant, you want his lap :-)

[Mouse_]

Pink, I think in my case its that I still see part of T as an authority figure, someone not to get to close too. I'd not thought about the stranger angle. Hmmm, maybe the private life part of T is where I feel strange toward it. Yes I think thats it. Its strange to think she exists in a private life too, and I am also consious of not being seen to want to be involved in thath part of her, although in my fantasys I do, but I act very aloof around that, and do my best to avoid going anywhere near it, just incase she "see's" my longing, so I stay a stranger to a certain extent.

[pegasus]

T being a stranger- I think two years into therapy I made T a stranger. Wouldn't let him in. Lots of trust issues.

Nearly 6 years with T now and he is- my T, my friend, my mentor, my teacher, the one person I can share everything with and feel truly comfortable.

We play around, we laugh, we cry, we share.

[Perna]

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Mouse_ said:
Yes I think thats it. Its strange to think she exists in a private life too, and I am also consious of not being seen to want to be involved in thath part of her, although in my fantasys I do

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This reminded me of when I went to my mother's grave (she died when I was 3) as an adult and was surprised to find she was buried under her maiden name. The whole idea of the fact she had had a life before I was born and she and my father were married and my 3 brothers existed, etc. and I wasn't even a "thought" to her. It was odd to think of a time when my mother didn't "know" or love me and was content/happy without me :-)

I once expressed to my T that I had grown up "alongside" of my 3 brothers and she liked that image. One is "stuck" with one's siblings but think about how "well" you know them? Often not very or only until a certain age. For me it is kind of like that thinking about my T. We know "about" them and even know them/their character from intense sessions.

[Mouse_]

You know Perna, thats a good way of thinking about how we or I do exist even when away from T, by remembering other people in our lifes existed once before we did. Its one of those mind-bending thoughts! and boy do I like those. Theres such a realness to it that its almost scary.

[WinterRose]

Perna - Interesting thought - the difference between knowing someone and knowing about them. Hmmm...

I don't think of my T as a stranger, but I don't see her as a friend either. Maybe she's kind of a parent who's not a parent. I don't even know how to define the relationship. I'm still afraid of her judgement and so find it hard to disclose everything. There's a pattern to our visits that I'm used to, but I don't understand it. Sometimes I wonder just what it is we do in therapy because I don't always get the process or understand what's going on, what's happening.

[sunrise]

I sometimes think of my T as a stranger, even though I know him really well. And he has shared a lot about his life with me. Just a few days ago I was feeling exhausted with sharing all this personal stuff with "strangers" in my life--my therapist, my lawyer, my kids child specialist. All hired guns. Somehow the payment aspect makes them a bit of a stranger, even though I know I have probably never been closer to anyone than my T. It's a bit of a paradox and I am OK most of the time with the ambiguity. I just accept the relationship as an unusual one--extremely close but yet a fee-based service too.

Pink, I have definitely had moments in therapy when I pushed my T away using variations on the stranger theme. Like the time before last when I was so angry with him, I said to him how I had all these problems right now in my life, I was having a hard time, and the last thing I needed was to be angry at my therapist! Then I said, I don't go getting angry at my accountant, so why should I be angry at you? Ouch. I basically compared T to my accountant. (Interestingly, my accountant and I do not get along, and I have been angry at her before, lol.) If he felt hurt by that comment, he didn't bat an eye. It was kind of a mean thing for me to say. He is so much more to me than any accountant ever will be. And he knows it. But it was just taking him down a notch, throwing the hired professional bit in his face.

Anyway, I know exactly what you mean, pink, and I feel it too sometimes. It works best for me not to dwell on it, just to tolerate the ambiguity of the relationship.

[MissCharlotte]

I get what you mean but I don't think of my T as a stranger.

At the same time, I don't think of him as what? Hmmmm I think I have him placed in a special T Compartment in my head. In this compartment I can love him, idealize him, desire him but can't let him know entirely how I feel, because then the compartment might have to open up and become blended with the rest of me....yeah, I know....

T Compartment, come right in.

pink... i have a LOT of trouble with the concept of caring, especially in a therapy context. i don't believe my T cares about me, i believe he acts in a caring way and he is a caring person. To me, caring means more than an hour. But your relationship has a lot more of my personal criteria for caring... he calls to tell you about a book, he discloses his own emotions in a limited and reasonable way... he has taken the therapy relationship in what i feel is the right direction... made it human.

Is he a stranger? yes and no. He is less of a stranger than most T's i think by virtue of how he conducts his work with you. But there is an element of "stranger" there still. i don't know if stranger is quite the right word maybe. It is an unnatural relationship to be sure, so what word truly fits? Do we even have one in our language for such a thing?

But i am odd. i think the T relationship should begin as it does now, then graduate into something akin to what your T does, and then eventually into something more natural and human. i don't think it's right or healthy in the long run to have it just be a business deal. i can sit and chat with my orthopedist if i run into him at a local pub, which is quite possible... i'm not saying we should become close buddies exactly, but it should become more open from both sides near the "end." And i don't think there should be an "end" exactly either. An end to sessions and billing and obilgations... yes... but i think the relationship should slowly become something like what one has with an old friend that one rarely sees.... an exchange of general information, life events, a genuine happiness to meet up.. even an occasional phone call.

i wish more of them saw it as a life's calling instead of how they make their living. i wish the world worked differently... that healers of all walks saw themselves as being in a community and that a community does not "begin" nor "end."

i don't know pink.. i am off on a tangent i think... i just have a lot of trouble with the way the relationship is "supposed" to go i guess.. i think your T is less of a stranger than most though.

Thank you all for your replies, you all gave me a lot to think about.

Perna, what you said was so funny, but so true... you pointed out one of my many contradictions. This week I call him a stranger... last week I wanted to jump into the stranger's lap and curl up there. But essentially, that is why I have a difficult time accepting those feelings and sharing him with him-- because while I do want to jump in his lap, he does, at times, feel like a total stranger to me.

He seemed quite taken aback when I used that term. I didn't expect it to come out, either. The way he said, "Stranger? How long have we been working together?" was just so..... strange. I don't know. I feel like I hurt him.

I tend to get too much in my head with the over-analysis of things and I reduce things down until they barely exist. T becomes a stranger, therapy becomes pointless at times.... all because of the deductions I make in my head.

And maybe I do this to countract the wild intensity of emotions that I feel during the rest of the time.

I am so extreme that it is frightening at times. I mean, literally everything I approach is in polar opposites. Everything or nothing at all.

I have the all or nothing thinking too. I either want T right now, and I want her close and I want to "keep her" or I could care less. There's not a lot of gray area. The "all" part is when I let my emotions take over, the "nothing" part is when I am scared to get hurt so I pretend I want nothing from her, that way it doesn't hurt! To minimize to ourselves the attachment and relationship we have makes it easier. When you really think about, our therapists ARE strangers. They know loads about us, but we know little about them.
I'm sure my T would be quite startled if I called her a stranger.

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stormyangels said:
When you really think about, our therapists ARE strangers. They know loads about us, but we know little about them.

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That's what I'm saying. And that's what I do to myself in my head. I say..... ok, T is this guy who I was assigned to just because I asked for a male T. Now when I am in a better mood, I'd like to think that there was some reason for that... that everything works out for a reason... that for some reason he was the one whose schedule worked out in order to fit my evening appointment needs.... that for some reason we ended up together and there was a reason for that... because of the connection we have... despite this, there are times in which I see him as a stranger. He is a random dude who happens to be my T. Fine. I see him for an hour and a half per week. But do I know him? I know him as a clinician. I can sometimes tell him what he is going to ask before he asks it. Maybe I am getting the uniqueness of the relationship confused with a regular relationship, and like Sister said.... I should just shove him into my "T Compartment."

What is wrong with me? I have to wake up in seven hours for my internship and I'm sitting here attempting to have some sort of psychoanalytic breakthrough when all I'm really doing is confusing the hell out of myself.

I really want to ask him about his thoughts and feelings on being called a stranger.

This is when therapy starts to drive me crazy. And mental illness and psychology in general. Because I go round and round in these circles and overlaps and disconnects without ever really being able to understand or settle on anything.

Forgive me, I seem to be in rare form tonight.

[withit]

Didn't read through all responses.....but wanted to respond cuz as soon as I read, ''A stranger? How long have we been working together?" I felt the want to respond....

T's get to know us very deeply/intimately. So to them we are not strangers. But think of how much we know about THEM; not much at all! So they are basically strangers to us. Except that they provide the support and empathic listening and therapeutic guidance. But does all that add up to intimacy? Not in my world. They give us something we need and desire and enjoy. But they are still strangers to us, at least my t is a stranger to me, despite the 5+ years I have known her. No, not the years I have known her, but the years she has known me, the years we have been meeting weekly.

Now I shall go on and read the rest of the responses....

Btw, gotta love this avatar. I love your avatar runway....Keep 'em coming...

[lauren_helene]

I don't think of my T as a stranger. I do feel as if he is not connected to me whatsoever right now and it feels awful.

[confused4ever]

I think it is based entirely on our T's. Just like some people we have a connection and become friends, I think the same with our T's. Not all T's open up or show any part of their personal life, and some do. My T talks about his personal life, and some experiences he has had, last session when talking about abandonment issue's he told me he has them, knows why he has them and went into alittle bit about it, to get me to open up! I guess it is the person, not so much his/her profession. If they are there to help and not just get paid, then one would think that they open up about themselves alittle bit to make that trust happen, and trust develops into friendship on some level.
My T calls me, and emails me, and when I see him we touch base first on how our week went, he talks about his and I talk about mine. We have had our weeks and even a month were we do not connect at all, and I become distant because I take it on a personal level.

I guess to me, he isn't a stranger, he is a newly started friendship, and he may not share all his personal life with his clients, but he does share enough so I don't think of him as a super human, but as a human that actually has a life outside of work........not sure any of this is making sense, but I do believe it is the person not the profession that makes him/her a stranger or not!

[sunrise]

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I do believe it is the person not the profession that makes him/her a stranger or not!

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confused, I also think it is the therapeutic orientation/approach and their training that partly determines this. My T is humanistic and we are supposed to have this mutualistic relationship. That's his orientation. He's supposed to show me he is human and share stuff from his life or whatever it takes to develop that mutualism. Some T's however, are trained to used the "blank slate" approach, in which they tell nothing of their lives to their clients. This works well for some clients. So I think it is a mix--their personality, the client's personality, and their training.

I don't know anymore....

all I do know is that right now I really need my stranger.