i sent my therapist an email this week. fairly brief. told him that i understood that it was perfectly reasonable that he take time off sometimes... but that i didn't like it. he sent a fairly quick response saying that it made sense to him that i wouldn't like it and that we could figure out why i didn't like it together. or something like that.

i went in for my session today... got up at 6am and caught the bus at 7.10... when i had arrived (time for a quick coffee before going in to see him) i checked my phone and there were a couple of messages on my answerphone. him: 7.13 'sorry but i have to cancel... i'm sorry i'm phoning you so late... i'm sure you don't want to hear excuses... see you next week'.

yeah right.

next week... then he takes two weeks off. i'm going AWOL next week. %#@&#! him. last time i expressed vulnerability to him (e.g., 'i feel hurt and alone and abandoned') he didn't respond for a few weeks. %#@&#! if i'm gonna let him do this to me again. %#@&#! him.

[Perna]

That's horrible that he cancelled so late. I hope it was an emergency (not that I hope something bad happened to him or his loved ones but that would be the only excuse that wouldn't make me really angry). I guess I'd be curious enough to go and find out what he had to say for himself next week.

hey. he did sound apologetic about cancelling so late. and he sounded kinda flustered. i guess something did happen. i guess it did. i'm not sure that he would tell me what it was. in a way i guess it doesn't matter what it was. in a way i guess i'd rather not know. i guess either his kid/s or his wife or both got sick or something like that. or whatever. i know he doesn't do things like this lightly... one time he even borrowed a car so he could meet me to say 'sorry i have to cancel' because he didn't have a phone number for me. that is going out of his way kind of. i know this. perfectly reasonable. perfectly understandable.

but little kid feelings and i don't know if i can do this. it just hurts too much. for no good reason. i don't want it to hurt. i don't want him to feel close to me 'cause he can't be there for me the way i need him to be and so it hurts too much. and then he will be back next week (two sessions or one i can't even remember where we are at with that) and then he is having two weeks off. i think i might just take next week for myself and then he can have two. reassess things... time to put the little feelings away and numb myself.

i wonder if he thinks optimal frustration includes intentional efforts to frustrate? doesn't matter... this isn't optimal. retraumatisation isn't optimal.

:-(

i don't even know what to say besides... ouch. ow ow ow. that %#@&#! hurts. it is so much harder to be stronger than our little kid feelings.... the kid seems to always win out. i'm sorry about your hurt, alex.

thank you. i... just feel hurt and vulnerable right now. kinda opened up to him a little. talked about the little kid feelings. was a bit psyched up for the session. was going to talk about how i felt about him going away, i guess. 'cause of his two weeks off.

he takes time off to be with his family. like how he had a month off when his wife delivered their baby. he seems to take school holidays off too. well, one week of them. or two. i can't remember. i don't know if i'm meant to be seeing him next tuesday or only next friday. i don't know if he is off the week after that or not till the week after that. i don't know if he is off for one week or for two. i just know that he told me ages ago that he would be taking some time off in the school holidays and he keeps reminding me that he will be taking time off except i zone out when.

little kids. he has little kids already. little kids to look after and take care of. i'm not jealous of them. i'm just sad for me. that i never had that. that he can't give that to me. that he needs to look after them and so he can't see me when he is doing that. nobody ever did that for me. nobody ever will. i'm not a little kid anymore. its too late for me.

what are these feelings for? they don't do any good. they just hurt.

i think he knows this is really very bad timing. it really is very bad timing. i don't want to punish him, but i am going to need to close off to him. numb myself. like i did when he came back from holiday. after he ignored my email for three weeks where i said that i felt hurt and alone and abandoned. i don't express those feelings easily. i've... only ever expressed them to one other person in my life and that person went STOMP. and last time i tried and it felt like STOMP. and this time i tried and it feels like STOMP. and i know it isn't his fault (and i know it wasn't the last persons fault). their response was understandable. perfectly reasonable.

and these little kid feelings aren't. and... they just hurt. what is to be done? numb numb numb numb numb i feel numb.

[Mouse_]

AK, I'd feel just as let down as you do I think!.

[purplemoon]

I'm sorry Alex (

thanks. i think... i'll be okay in a couple days. put on a sweet face 'thats okay'. just like i did when my dad left. except... this time... i'll try and talk about it. i will. just need a couple days. thanks for your support, everyone. means a great deal to me. ((((guys))))

[sunrise]

alex, did you find out when your next appointment is? I hope you will be able to see him before he takes his break.

hey. no, not yet. i'll email him today. ask if everything is okay (not sure how he is supposed to respond to that) and ask when i'm supposed to see him next.

so i emailed him and we will see.

i had this fantasy as i was thinking about this on the bus ride back home. the fantasy was that i said that i didn't want to meet him in his office and said i'd only meet with him if we could go for a walk instead.

i imagined us walking through the park together. me walking fast. he is tall so he can keep up alright, but i'm getting out some of my frustration with the fast walking. and i'm dismissive of him. and i'm clenching my jaw. and i'm resolutely looking at the scenery rather than being open or responsive to him. and he is trying to repair and get me to open up and i keep deflecting him.

and i start telling him about stuff but this time i'm angry about it. pissed off. angry at my dad for being avoidant and for not being open to me. angry at my dad for withdrawing into himself and not really noticing what my mother was doing to me. angry at my dad for leaving me. then sad. that that was the only time i ever saw him stand up for himself. when he left her and wasn't swayed by her attempts to hold him to the promise he made before i was born that he would stay with her until i was 16. that his leaving was the only time he ever stood up for himself to her.

pain.

he would be proud of me i think. for anger. because i don't usually feel anger. just act angry and figure out i must be/have been angry by inference (best explanation of my behaviour). that i don't normally FEEL anger.

i feel anger when i think that he might be going 'oh goodie some more optimal frustration'. i feel anger when i think he might be pleased that he has failed to meet my needs.

i feel sad when i think that he didn't intend this and when i think he is regretful that it has happened.

i don't think that he does feel that way, though. i don't think that he does. glee. %#@&#! him.

[ECHOES]

(( alex ))

What a rough few days you've had!

[MissCharlotte]

Alex

Damn. I am so sorry this happened.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
retraumatisation isn't optimal

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

No it isn't. And I hope you can tell him that.

There is such a fine line between working on these little kid feelings and feelng retraumatized. I walk it daily too.

I love your fantasy about the walk.

Take care.

i emailed him my post about the walk. not sure if that was smart or not. just trying to keep working and trying not to withdraw.

i'm getting this thought again 'maybe baby died'. thats what i got to thinking when he didn't email me after it was born. 'maybe baby died, maybe baby died' over and over again. an irrational guilt that maybe i killed it. maybe i'm jealous after all. how can one be jealous of a baby? i can't have hurt it i can't have. maybe i'm scared because if baby died i think i'd lose him. he would need time... lots of time... the best thing for him to do for him would be to get the hell away from me :-(

just like my dad.

i don't want to tell him my thoughts about baby dying. don't want him to think about that. is my psyche designed to tap at peoples psyche with a hammer or something?

fear of weakness. i'm scared that he is vulnerable, like my dad, and i'm scared that he will need to stand up to me. that he will need to stand up to me by leaving me. that he will have to leave me. because... that is how life works. healthy people get the hell away from me and only the pathological won't let me go (like my mother).

i don't want this frustration to help me. i don't want to reinforce his frustrating me. if i punish him then he will be less likely to do this again. that is the rule about behaviour. i guess i just have to trust him... to be more than a reflex machine :-(

i'm doing okay. hanging in there. not sure why... but thinking / talking about it is helping. and... had a productive day today. some of my feelings... are starting to make sense.

i just hope... i just hope that baby is ok. he said something... about how the only reason he would terminate me would be if he thought he or his family were in danger. i'm not sure why he said that, but it really hurt. that he would think that i would hurt his family :-( he then said something about how he didn't think that would happen, and that that doesn't happen very often and that that has never happened for him... it just hurt me. not sure why. i just worry that i'll hurt them somehow. worry that baby will die and it will be my fault :-( and then he will leave me. i'd never ever ever ever ever do anything to them. but my thoughts... i worry that somehow my thoughts can kill baby even though i don't think anything bad about it :-(

[lauren_helene]

Oh no Alex, I'm sorry!! to get there and have this happen is terrible. He should fit you in before next week. That isn't right.

Can you call him about this?

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
alexandra_k said:
just trying to keep working and trying not to withdraw.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That's wonderful, sometimes all we can do.

[Caramee]

I know you won't be able to see it through all of the pain you're in, but you are flooded with amazing insight. That is such a gift. Really, most people would just be flooded with the strong emotion and pain and have no way of making sense of it. Connections would be made much later if ever at all. But not only are you not withdrawing, you are also making sense of things -- I know the pain is still there, but the pain is logical and you have good reason for it and no one could ever blame you.

And of course you are torn between being angry at him and then worried that something is terribly wrong -- that understandable struggle between your adult and child selves. You want to be "grown up" and rational and reasonable, but you also hurt and have needs and they are uncontrollable and need to be taken care of too.

And as a side note -- I don't know if it will be at all reassuring -- my therapist said the same thing about the only reason he would ever terminate is out of fear of danger of harm to him or his family members. I've heard of others when asking for reassurance from their therapists getting an answer with the same caveat. It must be the standard answer for self-protective purposes. I understand why it would hurt, but I thought maybe it would help to know it seems to be a widespread response.

I'm so sorry for what has happened and for all of the strong emotions it has stirred up for you. But as always, as much as I am moved by the accounts of your pain, I can't help but be blown away by your insight.

Hope you have some relief soon.

hey. thanks guys. and... thanks caramee, it helps to think that what he said was the 'standard line' that they are supposed to say. conveys that they do have SOME boundaries, i guess.

he phoned me on sunday night. sent me a txt and asked if i could take a call. he called and said that he wanted to apologise properly. that he realised i travelled a bit of a way to see him... that he was sorry. that he wanted to call me and talk to me properly and that this was the first opportunity he had to do that.

i was freaking out a little cause i thought he might want to talk to me to terminate me after what i said about baby (i sent him that email too). but... he hadn't checked his emails yet. he said that we did have an appt. for this tuesday and this friday. then the following friday. then he is having a week off. he said that he would try and fit me in for next tuesday too, to make up for missing the session last friday. he seemed very apologetic.

so... doing alright, i guess. don't feel mad anymore. just knowing that he knows this is serious for me... knowing that he can't assume that i'll turn up to the next session after he misses one like that... i don't need to feel mad cause he is taking me seriously.

anyways... see him tomorrow...

hope i haven't freaked him with the emails...