[ElectricManatee]

I have noticed that lately a lot of threads on here are focused on people who are either struggling in their relationship with their T or who don't know if they should continue seeing their current T. I thought it might be helpful if those of us who are happy with how things are going with our therapists talk about signs that things are working. How do you know that your T is helping you? What makes a good "fit" for you? How long did it take to feel comfortable with your current T? Seeing a diversity of experiences might help other people sort out what is just normal difficult therapy stuff and what is a bad fit (or an incompetent T).

I know that my T is not perfect (and have told her so, to which she just smiled and nodded in agreement), but I think our personalities are a good match. One thing that I really appreciate about her is that she can sense when it's better not to push me. Sometimes when I am really upset about something, I know that the natural response would be to try to talk me out of it (or talk about strategies to change my thoughts or whatever), and instead she will often just sit with me, draw out more of what I am feeling, and basically show me that my feelings are tolerable by being able to tolerate them alongside me.

I also like that she has good boundaries, even though sometimes I hate that she has good boundaries. I never get the sense that my therapy is not about me, even if I'm the one trying to draw attention to her. She has neutral reactions to my big emotions (never seeming angry or upset or frustrated), and she only tells me what she is feeling if she thinks it would be helpful to me. Sometimes I wish our relationship could feel more like we are friends, but then I think about how I can be so open/vulnerable with her, and it's because her boundaries make it very clear that our relationship is a therapeutic one. There isn't any confusion about each of our roles. That doesn't mean that she doesn't occasionally share things with me, but she does it in a very deliberate way that makes it clear that my needs come first.

Outside contact has turned out to be really important for me, so I'm glad she does it, although I don't know that it would have been a problem if that wasn't something she offered. I think I would have just made slower progress. I have been seeing my T on and off (mostly off) for about six years. My most recent (and most intense) stint in therapy with her has been going on for about a year.

[Calilady]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I have noticed that lately a lot of threads on here are focused on people who are either struggling in their relationship with their T or who don't know if they should continue seeing their current T. I thought it might be helpful if those of us who are happy with how things are going with our therapists talk about signs that things are working. How do you know that your T is helping you? What makes a good "fit" for you? How long did it take to feel comfortable with your current T? Seeing a diversity of experiences might help other people sort out what is just normal difficult therapy stuff and what is a bad fit (or an incompetent T).

I know that my T is not perfect (and have told her so, to which she just smiled and nodded in agreement), but I think our personalities are a good match. One thing that I really appreciate about her is that she can sense when it's better not to push me. Sometimes when I am really upset about something, I know that the natural response would be to try to talk me out of it (or talk about strategies to change my thoughts or whatever), and instead she will often just sit with me, draw out more of what I am feeling, and basically show me that my feelings are tolerable by being able to tolerate them alongside me.

I also like that she has good boundaries, even though sometimes I hate that she has good boundaries. I never get the sense that my therapy is not about me, even if I'm the one trying to draw attention to her. She has neutral reactions to my big emotions (never seeming angry or upset or frustrated), and she only tells me what she is feeling if she thinks it would be helpful to me. Sometimes I wish our relationship could feel more like we are friends, but then I think about how I can be so open/vulnerable with her, and it's because her boundaries make it very clear that our relationship is a therapeutic one. There isn't any confusion about each of our roles. That doesn't mean that she doesn't occasionally share things with me, but she does it in a very deliberate way that makes it clear that my needs come first.

Outside contact has turned out to be really important for me, so I'm glad she does it, although I don't know that it would have been a problem if that wasn't something she offered. I think I would have just made slower progress. I have been seeing my T on and off (mostly off) for about six years. My most recent (and most intense) stint in therapy with her has been going on for about a year.

I'm interested in this...how do you draw attention to her? In what ways? How does she respond to reinforce those boundaries?

This is a good thread and I am really curious as to how people know. All I know is the ways that t and I are not a good fit.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by Calilady

I'm interested in this...how do you draw attention to her? In what ways? How does she respond to reinforce those boundaries?

I think it's one of my sneaky ninja strategies in my life too, to shift attention to the other person's needs to try to take care of them or at least to try to distract them from getting too close to me. There have been times when I have tried to speculate about how she must feel about whatever I am telling her (bored, angry, etc.), and she has gently turned the focus back to me without saying how she felt. Usually with something like, "It sounds like you're worried that I am judging you right now. Where is that coming from?" Later on she might say that she felt sad that I assumed she couldn't accept me or something, if it was clear I still needed reassurance, but the strategy to talk about her feelings instead of mine basically never works.

I am also intensely curious about her life (because of my strong attachment to her), and she is pretty slow/hesitant to satisfy my curiosity. So I know there are personal questions that she won't answer, even if I ask. (I'm talking about stuff about her inner emotional life, not basic questions like if she's married, whether she has kids, etc.) I used to get upset about her not answering, mostly because then I felt dumb for asking in the first place, but now I am much more comfortable that me attempting (and failing) to cross a boundary doesn't mean that she doesn't like me.

As she has gotten to know me better, she has shared a little bit about herself, but in circumstances where I know she is telling me because it's relevant to my therapy. I can't really get too much more specific about that without it getting more personal than I am comfortable with, but I think it's sufficient to say that she has never shared something that has burdened me or kept me from feeling like I can tell her things. I also feel totally comfortable talking about how I feel about what she has shared, if that makes sense. It's all "grist for the mill" or whatever. I don't think she would get upset if I had some kind of negative response to something she shared.

[growlycat]

Usually I have a sense right away of liking a t and a basic level of trust. I leave therapy feeling better and a sense of wholeness It is a gut reaction. Even though I'm not happy with my long my term t right now I think he cares but my current state may be clouding reality.

When therapy is a good fit, I like and respect my t as a person and I trust their insights.

If a T is competent, the fit seems to be good for me.

[DodgersMom]

we just seemed to click from the start, we laughed a lot and got along well from the first session. i kept coming back because i kept feeling more comfortable each time.

he has been very kind and open about things with me and even in emails or phone calls words things very gentle. he does not even charge for no show or cancels unless its excessive. hard to explain really but i knew from the day i met him, i would stick with him.

3 months in now and its going well. my trust in him is huge

[Nammu]

I think you need to address your unconscious desires to find a Good fit. For instance you can say you want a T to help you improve this or that area of your life, someone to challenge you but unconsciously you are looking for a reparenting T you won't find a fit until you look for what your unconsciousness wants.

[MrsDuckL]

Such an interesting thread. I recently found a new T after my old one abruptly dumped all his patients. This week was session 5. (Which is coincidentally, as long as I made it with old T.) Old T + current T are the only times in my life I've been in therapy.

Anyhow--I think the response to this question can have lots of different answers for different people. For me, my current T is amazing and I felt a true connection from day 1. Old T, I constantly felt defensive and pitied. This new T, he's empathic, but I don't feel pitied or defensive. I feel much more like its someone walking this path with me. Not leading, not demanding respect (like old T who was arrogant), just kind. Me personally, I'm exploring abuse from my childhood for the first time in my life, so I need kindness and empathy. I was slow to trust this new T (I'm slow to trust people in general)--but I found myself opening up much quicker than I had in the past. I even cried a little in my 4th session, which is HUGE for me--I hate showing emotions in front of others!

I have a friend who works as a counselor and she talks a lot about patient/ therapist connection--that you could have someone who is great but that you just don't click with. Me personally, I wanted a psychologist (I see a clinical psychologist) and one who is male (I'm female). I'm discussing my abusive mom for the first time and I realized I couldn't talk to a female or anyone I could subconsciously view in a mother role. I also wanted someone whose beliefs approximately lined up with mine (I was looking for a T who doesn't take a religious/ spiritual approach.)

I also really like that my current T talks very little. He asks insightful questions (I don't know how he can dig to the heart of something so quickly!), but talks very little otherwise. It's funny--this week I asked my T what he was drinking out of his to go coffee cup, and he said tea--that his voice is scratchy from talking too much, which he felt like was a very bad thing! I thought this was charming. My old T, I was constantly getting lectured with his theories, which were totally off base. So I enjoy a T who gives me more room to talk.

Anyhow, for me, I knew I had a good fit when I realized how comfortable and at ease I felt, and how I felt like I have someone to walk along side me in this journey. I immensely enjoy therapy now, and look forward to our time each week. This is T #3 for me, and apparently third time was the charm!

[ruh roh]

It just felt right. I felt immediately comfortable with her. It could be a lot of reasons--she's intelligent, pays attention, listens well, keeps up with how I communicate, and so on--but a lot of it is that she's a kind person, in a quiet kind of way, and doesn't call attention to herself. It hasn't been a smooth process the whole time, and sometimes I think it's over, but she sticks with me through it all. I guess she just has all the things that are important to me in a therapist, and I could sense that right away.

I was able to get off the couch, leave my house, volunteer and ultimately go back to school to finish.

For me I liked that she didn't worry about boundaries of her profession, boundaries are only guidelines. Yes she is aware of them, but does what she thinks will benefit her client therapeutically. If that meant receiving 50 emails from me in one day, that was okay. She made no promises to me that she could respond to all my emails (though she did respond more than 2/3 the time)l This way she put no pressure on herself to fail me or herself and start changing rules mid game.

I did not know that some therapist offered touch, but that became one of the most important parts of my therapy. When I had erotic transference for her she did not take any of the touch away. She was embracing me when I told her and she convinced me not to break the hold, even though I really wanted her to let me go, because then I would leave the session feeling rejected and that I did something bad.

I like the fact that at times she would call me out on my stuff and but knowing when to apologize. I never went away believing I was a bother, even the time I showed up to her door without an appointment. It was reading the forum an putting me and her in the negative and sad situations of others that had me questioning whether I was going to be abandoned by her. She always reminded me that therapy is a process and it is not linear. And that was okay. She appreciated that I was willing to do the hard work and kept coming back. These are the things that made us a good fit.

[Elio]

As one of the ones struggling, I know my T is a good T. I love my T. I know my T is not perfect and it was something my T said that activated this circuit in me. T did not mean how it feels, how I have taken it, and she has told me this. I believe she was genuine in her response to stuff when I brought it up. I believe she genuinely did not mean how I took it. Still I am at a loss as to how to deal with it all, how to find my way back to her. I know my T cares about me, she might even love me, depending on how you define that word. So... with all that said, I thought maybe I'd list why I feel and have felt my T is a good fit. I still think she is a good fit for me. She might not be able to take me all the way or... maybe I won't let her and that would be a shame either way.

My T has a quiet energy about her. She is female without being overly feminine - she keeps a natural look about her. These are important to me in order for me to feel comfortable around her (or any female). She is caring about the world in general. She is able to display and convey a world of emotions non-verbally. She keeps things about me even when I am talking about her. She is cautious about what personal information she shares with me. She allows out of session contacts. She is curious about me: wants to know about me and understand me. She is patient with me and willing to be wrong about something. She will take ownership of her part in this relationship. She is open to trying things if she feels there is a benefit.

Yeah, there's a bucket of goodness there.

And then there is the gut, just something in the gut says good. (well did and maybe that's my problem now, something in the gut keeps saying things are not good)

[Salmon77]

My T is similar to me in a lot of ways, like manners and personality, though I guess maybe I just think that because of mirroring. We have the same ethnic/class background, too, which might help in some ways. Plus I just have a general sense that he "gets" me.

Great question, manatee! I'm looking forward to reading future responses from people.

I think that the relationship between RoboT and me is probably the number one major factor. I feel like he's as invested in my growth and healing as I am. I got the distinct feeling from all of my previous therapists that they did not enjoy me as a client. I understand why; I can be quite a handful at times. I was even worse as a teenager. But it's not that way with RoboT. I don't think it'd be a stretch for us to have been friends had we met under different circumstances. We're able to laugh together, have intellectual conversations, but also do really good work together.

Another thing that works in our favor is that as a client, I fit into his niche. His focus toward the second half of his career has been in trauma, and while I don't know that I like thinking of my childhood as "traumatic," it was. So he understands me in a clinical sense, which helps him to help me. Also, his general modality is pleasing to me. He's a humanist at heart, and I think I need a therapist who does have that unconditional positive regard for their clients to help me work through some of the attachment issues that I have.

And for me specifically, I wanted a therapist who was willing to recognize and acknowledge my intelligence and knowledge. I remember sitting in lectures as a young child when my stepmother was an adjunct professor teaching Intro to Psych, and my minor was in psychology. I understand a lot of psychological principles, but I have a harder time looking at myself objectively. The last thing I need is for a therapist to treat me like an ignorant client. RoboT rarely patronizes me, and when he does (and I point it out), his response is always something like, "oh, of course you know that. Sorry."

[AllHeart]

Because she always meets me where I'm at. I see her working hard to build the trust. She's not fake.

[MessyD]

Not sure, since this is my first experience so I don't really have anything to compare to, expect for a short time with a marriage counselor. But I remember after the first session I had a really good feeling about him so i keep going back and that has not changed. I like that he acts and talks like a human, says he is not perfect, he is warm caring and seems really genuine, loves what he does and accepts me the way I am. He is not fake. And although I don't know that much about him, I think we do have similar personalities and some things in common

[stopdog]

I have no idea what a good fit is when talking about a therapist. I kept going back to the two I found who irritated me less than the others I interviewed, did not have any stuffed animals in their office, and who were close to where I worked.

[Amyjay]

I had confidence in my current t the first time I met her. She was very clued in to my triggers and guides me up and out of them (most of the time). There are a few things we disagree on but the overall feeling is she gets me.
This t is leaving her practice in a few weeks so I am transitioning to a new one. I haven't clicked with her yet and it is too soon to know if we fit with eachother or not. Current t assures me this new one is the best one for me in our small town so I am going to give it a shot. It is not an obvious fit like it was with current t though.

[here today]

I have no idea what a good fit is when it comes to a therapist. The last one was a specialist in trauma and dissociation and I thought that was a good fit because she diagnosed my problems well. But then she had some stuff going on in her life and burn-out maybe and, as she said, she didn't have the emotional resources to deal with me. Probably also had some unresolved issues she may not have fully known about. Who knows for sure. What I do know for sure is that I felt "had". She said it was a matter that she wasn't a good fit for me and did try to locate another T whom she thought might be. But had had it with therapy.

[CharlieStarDust]

This is the first T I've seen and I knew from day one she was right for me. There was an ease about her I'd never experienced with anyone - and it had never been so easy to talk to someone. Also, if and when she did something I didn't like, it was so easy to tell her (nerve-wrecking and anxiety inducing - but easy... ). She also sees through me in the most wonderful way and knows when and how to handle my many many moods. She calls me on my crap (again, in the most beneficial way), and works with me. If she's unsure of what to do - she'll ask me for what I want, and we come up with something together.

I don't think I know if a T is a good fit and there isn't really any clearcut way to test it even from longer term experience, IMO, the way it becomes clear whether an employer or other work relationship is a good fit. The latter can be evaluated based on producitivity, quality of product, motivation to do the work, satisfaction with process and outcome etc. Or a doctor/medical treatment, based on improvement in health. I think therapy and the competence/effectiveness of a T is much more blurry and hard to define whether it is working well, let alone whether it has the potential of becoming productive in a future, based on little experience.

It is much easier for me to tell/predict when a T is not a good fit for me, based on multiple layers of dissonance, that are views are too radically diferent or clashing, that we have too different communication, thinking and emotional styles. But even then, I actually chose one of these Ts to work with for about a year and even went back for a few sessions after a long break and another T, just to find out again, of confirm, that we really are not a compatible combination and it might actually become toxic on both ends if continued. Yet, I feel that I have learned from this obvious incompatible experience and don't feel it was entirely wasting my time and money. I have learned quite vividly what sorts of things rub me in the wrong way, trigger me into destructive behaviors, compromise my mental balance, etc. Not a pleasant experience but not totally useless either.

The T that I thought was a very good fit from start... that was really just based on a strong sense of familiarity and a miriad of similarities (some obviously real, others more just perceived/projected) between us. It was a strong transference reaction on my end even before really starting with him, just based on little info. We had an isntant good connection and I do believe we would never run out of things to discuss. But this situation, this way of connecting, for me, is how I tend to choose friends, and it usually works well that way, in a relationship of equal and balanced roles. With the T, it was certainly very pleasant, but to what extent it helped me to advance with my goals is pretty obscure. I have certainly made lots of progressive steps forward since meeting this T, but it's not like I have not been doing lots of other things as well to make changes. What's nice about the relationship with this T is that it's always positive and we can insipre each-other simply just based on the vibe and mutual engagement when we interact. So is this a good fit? Yes, but not in a sense that he provides guidance or solutions to my emotional challenges.

So based on what I have learned from my T experiences so far, it is really not that important to try to predict whether it is a good fit or not because that question is too complex and can have many layers and angles. More that I feel I have an interest in the T and what they are doing, whether positive or negative. Why am I interested at all? Use that motivation and see where it leads and work with the lessons, try to make it to work for me, to get any sort of benefit out of it that I find worthwhile. Negative experiences and dissonance can also be very beneficial given that we don't get stuck in them beyond what is constructive. I think what I would rule out is a T that seems completely neutral for me, does not spark any sort of curiosity, and I just feel indifferent about them. In that case, it would really be paying for nothing probably.