The idea of limiting my SI because T wants me to.

On Wednesday I finally called T because I recognized that my SI behavior has gotten out of control. He called me back later that afternoon just as I pulled into the school parking lot. I sat in my car and we talked on the phone for awhile. He was wonderful.

We even talked about the Redfield-Jamison book that he called me about over the weekend. I told him that I had finished it up that day during my lunch hour. He told me that he saw a lot of me in that book-- that her writing reminds him of the way I write. I told him how I bought one of her other books and then he said, "Well if you got those, then you have to get this 3rd one...." And I laughed and said, "Hey, if I'm going to stop SI'ing you can't be encouraging impulse spending!" I realized that being with T also has another benefit-- it's like being in a really fabulous book club. :-)

I told him that although I don't feel as though I want to stop, I know that it has gotten out of control. He said that just the fact that I called him to let him know could mean that deep down, there is a part of me who wants it to stop. Or at least diminish the behavior. He said that we needed to approach this differently than the usual analytical way. He said, "Let's at least try to come up with a plan to limit the behavior until you see me. If you need that release, I understand, but let's come up with a number-- the number of nights you are allowed to SI and the number of cuts." I said, "This is a weird conversation." And he said, "Yes it is. It is very behavioral." So I said.... Two. I said there are two night left until I see you, I will allow myself two times. And then he asked, "How many?" And again I told him two. Two nights, two cuts. Then he asked, "Could you please not SI tonight?" And then he moved my appointment up... it was supposed to be Saturday, but he moved it back to Friday (today). I didn't SI that Wednesday night. It was partly because I made a promise to him, and partly because I was so exhausted and washed out from having a really bad flare up of my IBS when I got home from school.

Last night I used my two.

I was writing in my journal beforehand about the idea of stopping not for myself, but for T. I mean, I guess there is a part of me that wants to control the behavior for some reason-- for aesthetic purposes at the very least. But it's sort of scary to me that when T asks me to promise not to do it, I don't. I guess you could say that's good for behavioral purposes, but that's not how I operate, lol. It's just amazing how much of a force he is in my life-- that I feel as though I am changing this behavior right now not so much for me, but more for him. Not even for my husband.

But with SI, the emotions accompanying the here-and-how of the act, and the ones that go along with the aftermath, are very different.

I honestly cannot even standing waiting the next eight hours to see him. There are days when I know that the connection will be there during the session; days that I know I am going to feel safe when I walk in there. I haven't had a day like that since before he went away-- today is definitely one of those days.

I don't know if it will work, ultimately, anymore than losing weight for someone else seems to work? But the more of "him" you can get into you and incorporate in your own manner/style, I think that is good.

I still have how I feel/felt when I consciously decided to wear my wedding ring to T because I loved the look of her hand with her wedding ring on it, the "strength" and "nobility" (no good word to express quite what I mean) and supportability of that hand. I wanted that hand.

It sounds like you are connecting to your T with the SI in some way like that; your other areas of relationship with T are influencing the rest of you? Sounds like a really good/heavy move forward.

Yes, I believe I am beginning to internalize him in a way, which is good... however, I also want to stop because I want to.... just just because I don't want to let T down. I'm so confused. As usual.

Yuh I agree with Perna about you adapting T and his caring to your own...or something like that...you sound like your on the right rd...

I'm trying to answer this post honestly, so here goes.

I have SI'd a number of times this past year, particularly since my son has been sick.
It is a way of releasing deep emotion that I can't seem to touch otherwise.

I have not SI'd in a couple of months. However, I still have very, very strong urges like right now. Last week I called T because I remembered the face of a man who tried to rape me many many years ago. I wanted to cut, but I called T instead. When I was speaking to him I told him I had the urges to cut but didn't. Because I am middle aged, I felt embarrassed to discuss this with him. I told him I was ashamed because developmentally, the coping mechanism is inappropriate. He understood me.

So, I guess what I'm saying is I have not been SI'ing either because of my relationship with T is growing deeper and more loving.

I hope you can continue to internalize the love, and I will try too!

Let's take gentle care and be good to ourselves, ok?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sister said:
Because I am middle aged, I felt embarrassed to discuss this with him. I told him I was ashamed because developmentally, the coping mechanism is inappropriate.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Not that cutting is technically appropriate at any age, but it seems more shameful when you get older. At 26, I am more embarrassed at my cutting than I was at 18. I completely felt what you said.

sister and pinksoil, I agree. That really stuck out to me from your post, sister, as just so true. I am in my 40s. Cutting would be totally embarrassing for me now (although I realize it was metaphorical, I felt ashamed about the fantasy I had of cutting and spilling my blood on the carpet in T's office while he watched). When I was a teen, it did seem much more developmentally appropriate. Someone asked me a long time ago how I stopped cutting, and I answered, "I outgrew it." Now, in middle age, I need different coping mechanisms. (I don't always have them, but I know I need them!)

In therapy today I realized that a big reason as to why I don't want to stop cutting is not because of the emotional release part, but because it is so much a part of me... and making some contract as to where I have to stop doing it makes me feel like a big piece is missing.

I told T that there is something completely controlled about being out of control.

He said we won't set a contract right there in session, but anytime I feel like I need a mini-contract like we did on Wednesday, to call him and let him know.

It was a really good session.

We even analyzed one of my poems. The whole thing.

I find myself missing him and needing him very much right now.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I was writing in my journal beforehand about the idea of stopping not for myself, but for T.... But it's sort of scary to me that when T asks me to promise not to do it, I don't. I guess you could say that's good for behavioral purposes, but that's not how I operate, lol. It's just amazing how much of a force he is in my life-- that I feel as though I am changing this behavior right now not so much for me, but more for him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
pink, I think our therapists are there for us to use in any positive way we can. If you can stop SI-ing because your therapist wants you to, then use that motivation for all it's worth! I think the closeness of the therapy relationship is a powerful force that can be used to motivate change.

For example...
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Then he asked, "Could you please not SI tonight?"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
If my T asked me this, I would probably never be able to say no. I would just do it because of our closeness and our relationship. His request would show how much he cared for me, and to say no to him would show I did not reciprocate. And I do. Does that make sense?

That is so great you were able to control your SI behavior Wednesday night.