what is healthy attachment?

My T has been out of town for the past few weeks and is returning next week. I was doing really well until these last couple of days... I just really miss her. I'm also feeling incredibly sad, so I'm not sure if I just miss her because she's a comfort to me, or if I'm sad because I miss her as an individual. For any of you who have been through the painful attachment work with your T, did you eventually reach a point of "healthy" (not sure if that's the right word) attachment? And if so, what does healthy attachment feel like? Because of how painful this work has been for me, I find myself not reaching out to anyone for support (besides this forum) and I worry that I've lost all ability to attach to anyone. I just don't feel a lot of feelings for anyone anymore (other than empathy) and it's really scaring me because I feel like my attachment styles has gone from one end of the spectrum (insecure/obsessive) to the other (avoidant).

The latter part is what I'll answer as far as swinging from insecure anxious to avoidant (dismissive or fearful)...that is actually quite normal.
I have attachment issues whether it be platonic or romantic.
Platonic I am more dismissive, whereas romantic, I'm more insecure.

A secure person can also embody traits anywhere on the attachment scale, as well. Most of us do this, actually. At least, from the books I've read on it.

I think it is the ability to feel safe when one is alone (vs. abandonment) and also to feel safe when one is with others (and not feel threatened by engulfment). If you like to look things up,

Bowlby - attachment types,
Mary Ainsworth - created an adult attachment inventory
Peter Fonagy - mentalization type therapy

I have had these problems as well. I think for much of my life I tended to be avoidant, because I was terrified of the strong emotions inside me that could lead to being insecure/obsessive.

It has got much much better, to the point I would say now it's not a major problem for me almost all of the time, and I think maybe others would not identify me as having these kinds of problems. I think it got better through long term successful therapy, which has included being quite attached to my therapist, and also other close and stable friendships.

Therapy was definitely key for me. I already had the friendships with lovely people who cared about me, before therapy, but these attachment-type problems and insecurities were always rearing their head and causing problems for me and those around me. Therapy gradually turned things around and I was able to apply what I learned in all my other relationships, also I gradually felt differently about myself and this was the key thing that has affected everything else.

Thank you for this. May I ask what you learned in therapy that helped you with your attachment struggles/insecurities? You mentioned you gradually felt differently about yourself... did therapy help you with this? And was the therapy primarily focused on the therapeautic relationship/consistency of the therapist or your own inherent strength and value? I hope I'm making sense but plz let me know if I'm not.

That is possibly the best and most succinct summary of secure attachment that I have ever seen anywhere....

Hi Justbreathe. I don't mind that you ask and will do my best to answer although it's a complex topic I think!
I have been doing schema therapy. It has led to me seeing myself and the world differently. In this therapy schemas or lifetraps are core beliefs that we grow up with from a very young age if we don't have our basic needs met in childhood. For me an example is the belief that I am different to everyone else and that I am a bad person. This was a basic assumption throughout my whole life, I didn't even realise it was a belief, I just thought it was how it was for me to be alive. In schema therapy, you use techniques from CBT such as thinking about different kinds of evidence, and also imagery techniques which I believe come from gestalt therapy originally, to start to challenge those beliefs and see a different way of thinking and of being in the world.
Also in schema therapy the relationship with the therapist is seen as very important, and I think maybe it's more personal compared with some therapies or therapists. My T is focussed on me but he is not a blank slate. He tells me things about himself. He also encouraged me to contact him outside of therapy by phone, text or email if I needed help or support with something. I resisted this for quite a while but eventually went with it. The relationship with T is I think my first experience of "unconditional positive regard" and of being consistently supported by someone. It has been hard at times but the experience has been quite transformational for me, and it has led to me having secure relationships outside of therapy.
There's a book about schema therapy called "Reinventing your life" which I think explains it much better! I think I've berm so lucky to have this therapy and also so fortunate to work with my T.

What is the most you were contacting him outside of session and how often did you see him?

I'm confused about the outside of session contact. My T also encourages me to contact her outside of session. I struggle with it because I know I can become obsessive as well as I can easily establish routines for something like this so I'm constantly battling myself if I should send that email and what will be too much.

Honestly, I don't believe being attached to someone who only engages with you for money, and would stop when the money did is healthy no matter what way you spin it.

I just don't.

Baybrony - I love reading about whatever issues I'm having - attachment being the main one, and I have found out that I'm not alone. I'm glad they helped you.

Are these books or web papers?

I love to read about what I am walking through too. Knowledge gives me strength to push forward.

Attachment in Psychotherapy-Wallin
Between Therapist and Client: The New Relationship – Kahn
In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists- Lott

One thing my T has said repeatedly that really comforted me is that I do not have to worry about what "too much " is. If i overdo it that is just a sign i have needs that are not being met. In which case she will try to help me figure out how to remedy that. Not necessarily by her changing her behavior but by working together to find solutions.

She has said it so many times I actually believe it. And one thing I have learned is how to figure out what I really need and ask for that ( ie i used to send 4 texts all skirting around the fact that i need her to say she supports me in something. Now I've learned to just text "please tell me you support me in this" and wait.

I've overdone it once or twice and its been painful but direct and we were able to work through it . She is very attuned so she is good at knowing when i need a bit extra. Like right now since i am struggling and we have had a number of unplanned breaks she is texting me more than usual

Wow, that's awesome that she's supporting you through these breaks.

Trail Runner---I just listed words to google. I read these awhile back but it is interesting to see how some things started.

Mentalization based therapy is gaining ground (I think) for borderline personality disorder.

I'll try to find more things tomorrow if I can.

Hi Elio. Yes I understand what you're saying. I sometimes found it hard to have out of session contact and sometimes thought it would be better to have none at all (and therefore no expectations). We sometimes had falling out or ruptures over T not answering, or not answering quickly, or something like that. But I still think, stepping back, that the contact and learning to trust someone was part of the bigger picture of how therapy has been very very healing for me.
For a lot of my therapy, I would typically text or email once or twice in a week, if everything was going well. T would send a short reply. It was like a touching by base type thing.

If I was very upset or something difficult happened, we would text back and forth quite a lot at that time. Sometimes we arranged to speak. When I was going through a difficult time or we were dealing with something really difficult, we would arrange to speak on a certain day. I think the most intense was when we spoke every day for a while. It wasn't usually a long conversation - it would usually be about 5 minutes.

It has definitely been hard sometimes with having contact - like if T doesn't reply to a text, oh no, does he hate me now, is it because I did xyz. But T has pointed out to me that we work through it, and that this is how things are supposed to work in healthy relationships - that someone can get upset or make a mistake, but it doesn't mean they totally change their view of the other person or that the relationship is over for ever.

It's definitely been learning through doing instead of just being told the theory or told how things should be - and it has definitely carried over into the rest of my life, and made a lot of things a lot better.

I do know what you're saying, and that was part of the reason I resisted attachment and out of session contact etc for quite a long time.

But recently, for me, the money did stop. I had a sudden death in the family and I thought I would need to take over the long term care of a young relative as a result (like fostering although it is for a relative). So I would have to prioritise that financially and it would mean no more therapy. Also I managed to fall out with my T at that time just because it was an emotional time for me.

I told T I wasn't coming any more and explained why. T said he didn't think it was a good idea to stop suddenly and offered to see me for 6 months for free.

In the end there was another solution for my young relative, and I have continued therapy with me paying. But in that emergency situation, although I didn't mean to, I kind of tested T and learned that the caring would not stop if the money stopped.

From experience I can say it's not just lack of money that can kill the thing. A therapist can decide the attachment isn't healthy or therapeutically acceptable or of the right "type". Or they might get spooked. The list goes on.

You can find anecdotal evidence on this forum of people benefitting from therapy in this way (though they all seem to be still in therapy), and anecdotal evidence of people seriously harmed.

To me the most relevant evidence, as it were, is the basic structure of therapy. To me it does not conjure up visions of healthy outcomes. It looks very rickety and very sketchy. One wrong move, bam, pile of rubble.

Also I think there is a danger in talking about attachment problems and therapy in the same conversation. They are basically unrelated. A therapist might explain attachment styles and so on, but that doesn't mean therapy itself is any sort of evidence-based or reliable remedy for this.

Been on the rec'g end of that. Not easy...

Idk about this- when the money stopped for me in a combination of crises last year, my T told me that under his code of ethics, because of medical need, it would be unethical for him to halt treatment due to my inability to pay. I gather there are many ways to interpret ethics systems but this was my experience. We lowered the rate and for several months I saw him on credit calculated at the new reduced rate. Some of the accrued amount was paid back in installments whenever I was able, some of it was forgiven. I still see him at the reduced rate.

Regardless- I have no issue with becoming attached to a person I pay (and have been on the receiving end of people paying me becoming attached as well) but to each their own I suppose.

I had the hardest time with this (and sometimes still do). In my regular life I am pretty responsible and together and worry a lot about how I am making other people feel, so the idea that I could just contact my therapist for help whenever I wanted to without knowing if she was busy or wanted to hear from me or whatever was terrifying. Often it helped to talk to my T at the next session about how she felt when I called, why she wants to be there for me, etc. We also talked about what would happen if it became too frequent, which was that we would work more on my self-soothing strategies or talk about ways for me to try to delay calling to see if it would pass (we haven't needed to talk about any of this yet; she has mentioned before that she knows I try other strategies before calling, which is true). Early on my T said point-blank, "I would never just tell you to stop calling me."

I have actually been surprised by how well the outside contact works for us. I can usually sense specific circumstances when I'm going to want her help and other times when I feel bad but don't really need her. I have also explained to her some things that do or don't work for me, like I would rather wait and be able to talk to her for a few minutes longer when she is free and more relaxed than have her try to call me back immediately between clients. I think it has been super meaningful to be able to rely on her and to feel her caring and maybe get myself back on track before I completely descend into the pit of despair. Sometimes things just can't wait until the next session. I also agree with Satsuma that part of the value is working through things and seeing the relationship become more sturdy. That has obvious outside-therapy relationship parallels.

To answer your specific questions, I am seeing my T twice a week during this phase of my therapy. Currently I call her maybe once a month or so, just based on whether something big or stressful is going on in my life. The most I have ever talked to her was the time around the U.S. election when my life was (coincidentally) also a complete mess. I think I talked to her every day that week, between phone calls and in-person sessions. That was a rare circumstance, but I think part of the point is having the experience of somebody being able to respond flexibly and consistently to my needs.

I resonate so much with what you say here. My T has also offered the option of some minimal out of session contact via a text if 'needed'. He hasn't pushed it any only mentioned it on two occasions but has said that if I need it (especially over a long break) that I can use it. He has kind of implied it would only be a text or two and not a big conversation or anything. I want to send a text but struggle with the whole idea of this too as like you, I too and am pretty 'together' and responsible in my regular life on the face of it anyway and always worry about how I make the other person feel. I worry that I might text him at the wrong time when he is busy, taking a break or in the middle of something else big and then be bothered by it....I also worry about it being 'needy' I mean what constitutes 'needing' to txt him. I mean I understand why many people on here feel the 'need' to contact their T I really do and it makes total sense. For me though personally I find the whole idea of using it for myself hard to get my head around. I have never really 'needed' anyone in my life (although I do have a long term partner that I do rely heavily on). I don't think I ever really 'need' my T per say so find the idea of making him when I 'need' to very difficult to figure out. Does that make any sense at all?

One thing I do think I understand is that I do think it may be useful to help me to build up, even more, trust in him. I'd like to think that we have quite a good therapy relationship (despite one recent upset) although I still feel the power imbalance which does sometimes make me hold back and perhaps this would help alleviate that??

I think this all makes total sense. One thing to consider is that an experienced, thoughtful, well-trained therapist should have given a lot of thought to what works for them and what they can sustainably do for their clients before they offer it. So for example, my T does not do texting with clients (or at least not with me) and uses email only for things like brief questions and scheduling. If I want to contact her for support, the way it works is that I leave a message on her voicemail and she calls me back (I can also leave a message about something and say she doesn't have to call back). My former T welcomed email updates (even long ones) and would always respond with a brief reply, but we only talked on the phone in more crisis-like situations. I don't think your T would offer an exchange of a few texts if he didn't mean it, and it's clear from the way you described it that he's already telling you what he's comfortable with (a few texts to check in but not a long conversation). That seems like a good sign.

It might be good for you to have the chance to build up trust that he can take care of himself regarding how he manages outside contact. That kind of thing has made me a bit more comfortable asking for things from other people in my life because now I assume people who have good boundaries can say yes or no and that they might actually want to help me with something. I am less likely to automatically assume I'm always being a burden.

The hugest thing for me has been learning at least to my T, my needs aren't burdensome. I can express them, she takes care of herself and decides what she can and can't do.

For me it's actually been fodder for a LOT of work that for example my T can love me without responding to ALL my needs ( that sounds bad written out, but...i was so abused and neglected most of the care I knew was fictional, characters in books and movies, so my idea of how people who love you act was idealized -- so if someone was less than perfect my defense mechanisms say 'ok, they don't love me, not safe)

My T can reject me in small ways ( I can't respond to your emails) while still loving me.

Conflict is normal in relationships but it's also normal to compromise, not get violent. I don't have to do what my T says she wants out of fear. I can say what I want too, and we work together

She can still love me without being attuned all the time...tons of stuff.

My outside contact is excessive compared to those who gave already posted. I text nearly every day at least once. My T tries to respond once a day but can't always. She does not do therapy by text so she is less likely to respond to long stuff. More likely to respond to direct pleas for support or to reaffirm our relationship.

I email several times a week, usually about what I am working on . My T doesn't do therapy on email. She used to give longer replies but I frequently found them triggering, so now i get a short or no reply and instead we go over stuff in session to try to avoid misunderstanding. That change was hard but I got used to it and ultimately it has spared me a lot of grief.

If i am really distressed I call which i do a few times a month. Sometimes I will say "just text me back x you don't need to call back " otherwise she will call back usually within 24 hrs but sometimes she can't or misses the message . One strict boundary is if I ever truly believe u am in danger do not rely on her, go to the ER and leave her a message or turns her phone off for family stuff. She has 5 kids and just can't promise to be there asap in an emergency. That was hard to discuss too but she said if she promised to be there she'd be lying. Ultimately I understood. We haven't had to worry about that yet thpugh she brought it up once when i called her in a really bad place while she was away.

Through all this my T has managed her own needs and boundaries and never gotten angry at me. Which i find very reassuring