Session today didn't go well... or maybe it did? Confused

I had a session today.

I had a session last week, and he wrote out a contract for me, which was full of loopholes (I don't think he realized and I wasn't about to tell him) ... anyways I was bitter for the week since I saw it as controlling. Don't like contracts that I have no say in.

ANYWAYS,

I called the abuse centre he's referred me to. I accidentally gave them the wrong number when I phoned a few weeks ago, so they couldnt phone me back to book an appt... oopsies.

But last session I just didn't like my T. Rampant bad thoughts in my head about self-harming, and I wasn't going to say anything but he figured me out.

Today, first thing I did is gave him back the contract. And explained how I broke it, and how I disliked him for it... Which is good, right?

Then we talk about my weekend (it was an awesome one, my dad came to visit me and he lives far away so it was special).

How we got onto the topic of the divorce and being abandoned and feeling sad and mad and all that stuff regarding my relationship with my dad, I'll never know... I just stopped talking.

Then tried to convince him I was fine, which he said that he knew I wasn't. Sigh. I dont know why I try to manipulate so I dont have to express myself, but there I went again.

Talked about something I saw on TV. Someone witnessed something horrific, and a documentary/movie was made illustrating what occured. They get to the point where this individual found a way of coping... By cutting. And 'showed' him doing it (was obviously fake, but looked so real) and him describing how it made him feel... And yeah, it was triggering. Definetely not something I should have watched considering how bad the urges and whatnot have been lately.

Then I'm saying how much I want to do it again when I've been "clean" for so long... I guess I might have said something that made him think I'm suicidal (I'm not, just random bad destructive thoughts) and the next thing he's saying something about maybe I should be hospitalized!?!

So I freak out and tell him that he's clearly lost it because I'm not bad. Then he said he wasnt going to let me go (leave the office) unless he knew I was going to be safe. So then I try to convince him that I wont do anything (although I want to) ... doesnt go over well since he doesnt believe me. (Not that I'd believe myself given the circumstances and the fact I'm a semi-compulsive liar)

... so he says if I promise to try to take care of myself and not engage in bad behaviour and see him on Wednesday that he wont worry as much about me. And then he makes me promise I'll contact different resource people I have if I feel the urge.

... so I have two appointments in one week.

I feel like I'm backsliding. Like all the work I've tried to do is going out the window.

And I dont know if I like my T right now. Dont know if I should trust him. Dont know if I'm safe in his office. Dont know what I can do to help myself.

Dont know how to get out of this mess.

Therapy seems like too much work sometimes...

Hey, at the moment the "goal" is to stay safe and you're doing that? It doesn't necessarily stay as easy or hard all the time but fluctuates. So, don't know that you're backsliding, just seeing what "help" is available and it looks like it is pretty good since it's holding?

I would say you're giving back the contract and explaining how you broke it, why, and how you feel about him, etc. was very good. You are communicating/expressing yourself and doing "well" because he's "getting" you. He wouldn't be able to know when to believe/trust you and when not otherwise? But, he doesn't haven't to work as hard as he is; he truly cares about you, I think, to be working so hard for you?

It' s okay if you don't like your T right now. When my T tries to help me keep from self-harming, I have mixed feelings about him. I love him for being so concerned and for validating the reasons as to why I do it but I hate him because he becomes the representation of the one who is trying to take away my freedom-- the freedom to do what I want to myself. Although it is ultimately my choice, it's hard not to see it like that sometimes.

It doesn't sound like you are slipping backwards. In fact, you seem to be moving forwards-- you are being honest with your T (yes, it was very good for you to tell him you didn't like him when you felt that way), and you are trying to keep yourself safe.

One rule for Ts is that a T should never work harder than than his/her patient. It sounds like your T is working pretty hard to help you-- so you must be working really, really freaking hard.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Don't like contracts that I have no say in.... Today, first thing I did is gave him back the contract. And explained how I broke it, and how I disliked him for it...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I think this is quite important, what you did. You had no say in the contract, you didn't keep to it, and you gave it back. Could the next step be for you to create your own contract? If you create it, it will be something you can stick to. This could be really empowering for you. If you can't do it on your own, you could ask T to work with you on it. Collaborate.

This sounds like a really tough session and both you and your T are working really hard. I can tell your T really cares about you.

Take care and please stay safe.

Consensus that I've lost my mind?

I always seem to react emotionally to what my T says or does and I'm so very rarely rational/logical... and then I write really stupid posts... sigh.

I know he's trying hard right now. I'm not so sure about me. I'm pushing back whenever he pushes me. I'm testing his patience and boundaries and trying to see when he's going to just up and leave...

because that is what always seems to be on my mind.

Weird, I know. I'm messed up.

At least he maybe will ask me next time about a contract instead of launching full tilt into making me agree to one...

As long as he never mentions "hospital" again. Its bad that I never want to mention the SI thoughts to him ever again... isn't it? I don't know if I can trust anyone with that stuff anymore.

Scares me. A lot.

Thanks all of you, you're great with wonderful advice and for listening to my rambling.