Session update - lost and confused

Well it was bound to happen eventually. T and I did not see eye to eye tonight. First I talked about my recent bad decision and how I am worrying about the long term consequence. He seemed to jump right on that and then added to my worry. He doesn't have to tell me about consequences.

I know all about them. I am the one affected not him. So much for empathy and understanding...he even asked me if drinking was involved in the incident...guess he's implying I am an alcoholic now. Imagine his surprise when I said quite frankly 'no' not one drink...I was fully aware of my bad decision. This didn't help and it just put me on the defensive.

Then we got into my other pressing issue and it involved parenting and discipline issues.

Long story short my husband spanked our son but won't admit it. I saw the red mark and our son said daddy did it. I don't like spanking as a discipline method, I've been on the receiving end of repeated violence growing up and I just don't think it builds anything. I think it destroys self esteem and is really about the parent being angry.

T didn't seem to focus on that instead he thought it was 'interesting' that my son once over-idealized daddy and now says daddy is bad...this really set me off and I didn't realize why until the drive home.

T has told me that I over-idealize and then devalue people and I know I do this. I guess I got defensive because I don't want to start hearing my son has bad personality traits...he does not.

I should've said to T "if I put you up on that ledge then I have the right to knock you down"...hee hee. You know like that Bill Cosby comedy when he talked about how his mother would say "I brought you into this and world and I'll take you out if I want to".

I did agree I was jealous that my son was so attached to our husband in the beginning but I have not encouraged otherwise...believe me my son still loves his daddy and he should. My son used to push me away and I did that to my dad growing up and he still brings this up today. It's like he still holds it against me so yes it bothered me that my son was doing this to me.

I just responded to my son and his being upset over daddy hitting him. My husband denies this of course which made it worse. I mean there is a red mark and our son did pee in our bed so I can see why he was mad but why lie about this and if he'll lie about something like this then what else will he lie about?

I could've handled the situation better and I didn't but I refuse to ignore my son's claims or make him feel invalidated. He won't learn to trust his instincts that way.

Then it comes out that I am just like T's sister...and he wasn't paying me a compliment because she did the same thing to him once about her kids and in front of the kids.

I just said well all you are seeing is her right now.

I'm having the worst time in my life right now. Everything is falling apart and this time, T made it worse.

I'm sure he thinks I devalued him tonight...whatever. I'm not going to agree with him because I like him as a person. He didn't go through what I did growing up and he doesn't have kids.

He said his sister always says that too...so I said oh good, I'll hang out with her then

I think his issue is her and he put it on me...I don't need this right now.

Oh then it got even better. I went out to the desk to make some future appointments and his assistant says "every other week?" he knows I've been coming weekly.

I should've said okay how about monthly...I'm thinking therapy is almost over. Normally I would've cried a little bit at the thought of T and I disagreeing but I don't care anymore.

He wants to push my buttons so why should I get upset?? I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction...

Am I being harsh? Aren't I allowed to feel this way once inawhile without it being labeled as devaluing? He didn't say that tonight but I'll bet he wanted to...

wow. it did seem like he was confronting u on a lot of things. And also making allot of judgements about situation. I'd be sorta upset too. I dont know the context or the history, but I'd probably share my feelings about it if i were you.

ev

almedafan, I'm sorry your session was so trying. I hear a lot of pain in your words.

I think the spanking and your husband lying about it is serious stuff. I am amazed a family therapist would not have a better response. I'm so sorry. When my T discovered some of the physical abuse going on in our family, he was very no nonsense about it and really made me sit up and take it very, very seriously. I am also seeing a therapist who is a child specialist right now, and she too takes it very seriously when parents use physical force against their children. I think your T missed the boat on this one.

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T has told me that I over-idealize and then devalue people and I know I do this. I guess I got defensive because I don't want to start hearing my son has bad personality traits...he does not.

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I don't understand this. Your T felt you were over-idealizing and then devaluing him because of how he does not think the spanking is serious? Your son is very young. None of this is the child's fault. It's too bad you can't talk about this very serious issue with your T without your own T-client dynamics getting in the way. I think your T should be able to set them aside for a serious situation like this. He needs to show some leadership.

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I could've handled the situation better and I didn't but I refuse to ignore my son's claims or make him feel invalidated.

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Nothing you've written makes me think you didn't handle the situation well. Why do you think that?

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Then it comes out that I am just like T's sister...and he wasn't paying me a compliment because she did the same thing to him once about her kids and in front of the kids.

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Not sure I understand. You mean one time your T's sister told him that her husband was spanking their child and he ignored the seriousness of this revelation? And he looks down on his sister for this? In any case, I don't think he should be comparing you to family members he doesn't like.

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I'm sure he thinks I devalued him tonight...whatever. I'm not going to agree with him because I like him as a person.

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You are showing you are differentiated from him by sticking to your morals and what you know to be right. He should be able to handle that you didn't agree with him.

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He wants to push my buttons so why should I get upset??

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Why does he want to push your buttons? Because you remind him of your sister? Because he wants to make you angry? What is going on with you two? Is it therapeutic?

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Aren't I allowed to feel this way once inawhile without it being labeled as devaluing?

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I'm not sure I understand the devaluing? Are you saying that instead of accepting that you and he do not agree on everything, he tells you that you are devaluing him? I don't always agree with people but no one has ever told me it is because I am devaluing them. I am puzzled by this! Do you understand what he means? Do you think he is the sort of person who can't tolerate disagreement from anyone? Seems like this would not be a good trait in a therapist!

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I went out to the desk to make some future appointments and his assistant says "every other week?" he knows I've been coming weekly.

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Do you think this implies your T has been talking about you with his assistant/lover and told him to say this? Breach of confidentiality? Yuck. Did you make another appointment for next week?

((((Hugs))))

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sunrise said:
almedafan, I'm sorry your session was so trying. I hear a lot of pain in your words.

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You are right, I am definitely in pain...

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sunrise said:
I think the spanking and your husband lying about it is serious stuff. I am amazed a family therapist would not have a better response.

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I was surprised too. I had told him about a previous incident and what I thought was a pattern, he ignored me on that though. He asked me if I thought my son was in an unsafe situation...well I told him, I don't know. I'm not going to ignore signs though.

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sunrise said:
I'm so sorry. When my T discovered some of the physical abuse going on in our family, he was very no nonsense about it and really made me sit up and take it very, very seriously. I am also seeing a therapist who is a child specialist right now, and she too takes it very seriously when parents use physical force against their children. I think your T missed the boat on this one.

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He either missed it or just couldn't see beyond his own issue with his sister. I understand the trigger affect, it happens to me all the time so maybe he made a mistake.

I don't understand this. Your T felt you were over-idealizing and then devaluing him because of how he does not think the spanking is serious? Your son is very young. None of this is the child's fault. It's too bad you can't talk about this very serious issue with your T without your own T-client dynamics getting in the way. I think your T should be able to set them aside for a serious situation like this. He needs to show some leadership.

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I said that to T Sunny. I'm just trying to talk this out. Trust me I won't go there again.

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I could've handled the situation better and I didn't but I refuse to ignore my son's claims or make him feel invalidated.

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Nothing you've written makes me think you didn't handle the situation well. Why do you think that?

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Well I questioned my husband in front of my son and T said this is going against him. I didn't know any other way to determine if my 2.5 yr old is right about this.

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Then it comes out that I am just like T's sister...and he wasn't paying me a compliment because she did the same thing to him once about her kids and in front of the kids.

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Not sure I understand. You mean one time your T's sister told him that her husband was spanking their child and he ignored the seriousness of this revelation? And he looks down on his sister for this? In any case, I don't think he should be comparing you to family members he doesn't like.

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Apparently this is her dynamic according to T...and it might be who knows...

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I'm sure he thinks I devalued him tonight...whatever. I'm not going to agree with him because I like him as a person.

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You are showing you are differentiated from him by sticking to your morals and what you know to be right. He should be able to handle that you didn't agree with him.

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I know that there was a mark there and that my husband did it. He lied about it too. All I can do now is just keep an eye out. I know what I saw and heard my son say. T did acknowledge that he thought my husband did hit him and didn't want to admit it.

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He wants to push my buttons so why should I get upset??

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Why does he want to push your buttons? Because you remind him of your sister? Because he wants to make you angry? What is going on with you two? Is it therapeutic?

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I don't know Sunny, we were not connected at all tonight. Maybe he is frustrated with me. I'm sure he thought it was therapeutic. I just felt like it was insensitive.

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Aren't I allowed to feel this way once inawhile without it being labeled as devaluing?

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I'm not sure I understand the devaluing? Are you saying that instead of accepting that you and he do not agree on everything, he tells you that you are devaluing him? I don't always agree with people but no one has ever told me it is because I am devaluing them. I am puzzled by this! Do you understand what he means? Do you think he is the sort of person who can't tolerate disagreement from anyone? Seems like this would not be a good trait in a therapist!

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Well we've talked about valuing/devaluing so now I just assume any time I disagree with him he feels this about me. Maybe I'm wrong who knows. I can't always gauge what he means...I did ask for clarification a few times and it was clear I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy either so I guess we need to go back to our corners and try again.

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I went out to the desk to make some future appointments and his assistant says "every other week?" he knows I've been coming weekly.

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Do you think this implies your T has been talking about you with his assistant and told him to say this? Breach of confidentiality? Did you make another appointment for next week?

((((Hugs))))

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Yes, I'm sure that wasn't an accident. He's never done that before...I'm not mad at his assistant I'm mad at T. I guess he is using him to do his dirty work.

If I ask him he'll just say no I'm wrong so there is no point in asking. I have never felt so bad about our relationship. I wanted to work tonight and all I have done is obsessed about this.

I just need to go to bed, thanks Sunny for being here for me. I do appreciate it.

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esthersvirtue said:
wow. it did seem like he was confronting u on a lot of things. And also making allot of judgements about situation. I'd be sorta upset too. I dont know the context or the history, but I'd probably share my feelings about it if i were you.

ev

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Thanks Esther, I'm not sure I'm up for another round with him on this. I have too many other problems to sort out. What makes me sad is that I feel like he hit me during one of my low moments...I'm not sure he did it on purpose though. That may be my issues bleeding through.