[Blue Fish]

I'm annoyed and mad at my T.
So I had a session yesterday and I was telling him about how my pregnancy might be classified as high risk and if it does my midwife will have to transfer my care to an OB. I didn't have a great experience with an OB last time, so I'm upset. He told me that my resistance to a transfer of care are my "irrational" thoughts due to my depression talking. He told me that an OB is a better choice than a midwife in any case and that it's safer for a women to have an OB than a midwife. I completely disagree and felt like he had no idea what he was talking about. He went on to say that his wife would do anything to get pregnant and would be happy to switch places with me. My daughter passed away last year so this pregnancy and thought of this child is terrifying. Would she really be happy to switch places with me? I felt like he was angry with me.
I had already agreed to group counselling but at the end of my session he said he felt that group counselling would be more beneficial than individual counselling to help me deal with my "irrational" thoughts. He said he would check in with me after the group finishes in 8 weeks.
I feel like he's dumping me because he can't handle the fact that I'm pregnant and his wife is not. I find out if my care is being transferred next Friday and now I have to deal with the result of that and the rest of my pregnancy (another 12 weeks) with just group therapy. I don't feel like group is going to give me enough time to talk about what I want/need to talk about. I'm just upset and angry.

[kecanoe]

I would be quite upset that t offered medical advice about pregnancy and baby delivery. Definitely not his place. And wtf is the bit about his wife would give anything...? That is totally not relevant to your therapy.

I have no idea why he is sending you to the group, but honestly-do you want his non-support? Can you find other support for your pregnancy? Perhaps a grief support group for those who have lost children or a birthing class?

Do you get to choose your OB? If yes, then I would definitely be asking people for names of good ones.

[stopdog]

He sounds like an asshole to me.

[growlycat]

I was going to say what a ****, but stopdog essentially beat me to it.

[MobiusPsyche]

Definitely justified. Sounds like he resents your pregnancy.

[healinginprogress]

Time for a new therapist.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by healinginprogress

Time for a new therapist.

I agree. It's one thing to be misinformed about midwives, but that comment he made about his wife really crossed a line... And I'm very sorry about your daughter...

[Calilady]

Whatta ****.

[toomanycats]

What the actual ****
He has no right to say ANY of those things to you
Not as a person and CERTAINLY not as a therapist!

I also recommend seeking a new T

[atisketatasket]

You know, I can't have children and sometimes I get envious of those who can/are. But even at my most unattractively envious I cannot imagine ever saying things like that to anyone, acquaintance, friend, random stranger, let alone a client.

Plus, you've lost a child. It is no wonder that you are on edge anyway. I'd be really upset.

[AllHeart]

That's shockingly bad. That's filing a grievance or complaint worthy. Sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.

[Blue Fish]

Thanks, I wasn't sure if I was overreacting. Maybe I will look for somebody else even if it's only short term to get me through this pregnancy

[mostlylurking]

I know it's not the point really, but I, too, disagree with your T's assertion that it's always safer for women to have an OB, and to me it just underlines how inappropriate it was for him to spout off with medical advice in the first place. For low-risk pregnancies I don't even think there's a debate that outcomes are better with midwives.

If you do turn out to not be in the low-risk category, and you do need an OB, it would probably help to canvas as many midwives as you can (even reach out, if possible, to home birth midwives) for recommendations. Some OB's have learned from midwives in some good ways, but some are out of the 1950s; I have hope and faith that with some help, you should be able to find the good ones.

I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can't imagine anyone saying to you "my wife would be happy to switch places" when you have suffered the death of a child. I would never be able to be civil to such a man again if it were me.

The best of luck to you in this pregnancy and birth. I know our emotions don't obey the laws of probability, but it's statistically very likely that everything will work out fine.

[katie.marie.]

I'd be feeling the same way you are; honestly I think you should just get a new t

Stopdog hit the nail on the head, he is a complete asshole. I am sorry for your loss, that must have been devastating for you.
You t showed no empathy whatsoever and in fact had his own agenda. He tried to make you feel guilty because his wife wants kids and for whatever reason can't have them now and he let his own misinformed opinions contaminate your session.
This is going to sound incredibly sexiest but WTF does a man know about giving birth? It infuriates me to even think that he thought he had any right to give advice or express his opinions.
Sending you to group therapy? That makes no sense, what is his logic behind that? That's abandonment. You are so vulnerable now and just need some support, group is a risk because you don't know what the other members might have experienced or could say. Is this group specifically for anything?
I would just find another t because I think I would need a lot of support right now, in your shoes and one to one support too.

[Blue Fish]

The group is for depression. He said it would help me examine my irrational thoughts and give me more tools to cope with my depression.
I'm still mad, I think I will look around for another T.

[MrsDuckL]

Oh no. Not cool at all! I had a homebirth with my amazing midwife after dumping my terrible OB. I would FLIP OUT if my therapist insulted midwives! I'm a midwife convert for life and I tell everyone I know to find a midwifery care in some form or another. The concept of being transferred IS very sad and definitely something to grieve. I'm so sorry! Me personally, I would find that enough cause to find a new therapist, as awful as that concept is. I feel like a fundamental concept of therapy is for the therapist to be on your side, that unconditional regard, regardless of their own personal opinions they should keep to themselves. Hugs to you!

[Moment]

Wow, I am really sorry your therapist said all that to you.

It strikes me that (1) he may be woefully uninformed about midwives and birth care in general and (2) he may not fully appreciate the depth of the emotional impact of losing a child. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I agree that what he said about his wife was insanity.

Is he usually a good therapist? Could he have just had a moment of countertransference here? Even good therapists could sometimes blurt out something inappropriate; we are all human. If he was a good therapist in general, maybe it would be therapeutic to talk over with him your feelings about what he said? If he was defensive or dismissed it then that, for me, would be the end of things. Because your "annoyance" at him is totally justified, he was just wrong, wrong, wrong.

[CantExplain]

No therapist should dismiss feelings as irrational.

[Blue Fish]

Thanks everyone!
At this point I don't even want to try to work this out with him and even if I did, he doesn't want to see me until the group sessions are done (mid October). I called my EAP a have an appointment with a female counsellor next week. It's short term counselling but there is no set limit to the number of sessions. I also called to drop out of the depression group counselling. I'm a little worried that he'll find out I dropped out of the group and call me to try and talk me back into going.

[Anastasia~]

(((((Blue Fish))))) I am so sorry that you might have a high risk pregnancy and have to see an OB instead of a midwife. This must have been overwhelming for you to hear. Maybe, as some others have suggested, you can talk to your midwife and find an OB who both can probably give you various options (sorry, I don't know much about this) and help you feel better. I was so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter.

As far as the T, it does sound like countertransference, and quite frankly, it sounds cruel. It sounds like he was invalidating how you felt and trying to shame you, and that is not okay. It would be unprofessional at best for him to call you and try to get you to go to the group therapy. Were you attached to him? I hope that your transition to a new T will be a good one. I am so glad you are seeing another counsellor, I really hope she is able to help you.! Take care and please keep us posted if you want

[kecanoe]

Can you just ignore the calls (if t calls)?

Or answer and tell him to get lost!