The elusive push-pull of therapy

I'm struggling to articulate the push-pull of the T relationship, wanting them close to wanting to shut down. For any of you who have felt this or are currently experiencing this, what does it feel like/look like/sound like for you? I'm thinking of sending an e-mail describing the constant opposing feelings but am having trouble finding my words.

Any and all help very much appreciated

It was like that for me.

I've been struggling with this lately too, the push/ pull of wanting T close then pushing them away. I have a hard time trusting people, let alone really opening up to someone. I enjoy my therapy sessions tremendously and am super grateful to have finally found a good therapist. However, recently I've found myself feeling numb after an especially intense session. I always do this when things are getting too intense, I shut down, disassociate, detach myself. Feeling numb happened a few sessions ago and now I've been getting nervous for my weekly appointments (I never got nervous before). I think for me it's scary to trust someone, scary to let someone get so close, I'm terrified T will let me down just like everyone else has. I don't have any good advice here or know how I'll resolve it myself, other than I'm going to keep showing up each week and hope I can work through my trust issues.

I relate so much to all of this, and the replies! For me it's like I've started to trust T and so far I've not been let down in this trust ever. Although it's kind of like I'm waiting for it, so I start to convince myself that by getting close I'm opening myself up to a world of hurt, I then start to completely shut down and back off.
I then panic that I push too much and she backs away, so end up emailing and apologising, it's like I'm stuck on a vicious cycle with this right now. At the moment I'm on push away mode! :-(

I relate to this as well. It's my normal instinct when I feel close to someone to push them away. Then I end up isolated and lonely/depressed.

I trust him a lot and feel very close with him so its becoming to the point I have a very strong urge to push away....but I try to keep reminding myself, it wont do me any good this time. I wont be able to get the help I need if I do that.

For me it can be like a fuse blowing: feeling things very intensely then suddenly its too much and bang, nothing at all.

I guess it's my younger parts of mind that are in push pull to complete shutdown and even disliking her all together. I find it hard to be in my adult mind when in her office so parts cause a shutdown. I feel it's getting worse and will cause the end to come soon. While adult mind doesn't want to end . ... Really the rest of us are in conflict. T even ended 30 min early, just said I am done talking and since you won't see you next week. Parts felt relief while others were in shock she left us there .. she left the room and went to her other office room. I am numb and sometimes just feel constant pain and hurt other times I could careless to talk to her. Certainly doesn't feel push and pull anymore. Just extremely distant.

Go it, at your pace. I think that is definitely normal take a play in you all's mind break and talking about something relaxing. Say for instance sports something light hearted not so serious....

I completely understand, it's really hard to open up about all ur thoughts and feelings especially when u have trust issues. If u have found a good T then know they will go at ur pace and they are there to help u. Talk about the uncertainties that u are feeling around this as this is what therapy is about. This is ur space for what u need. I hope this helps and best of luck.

I think you've described it pretty well already. Something like "I have constant opposing feelings about engaging in therapy. I want closeness, but then I push away" seems clear enough.

For me, "ambivalence" is a useful term. I feel ambivalent about discussing difficult topics in therapy - part of me wants to, part of me doesn't.

Yes, I get the push-and-pull of wanting to be close to anyone, let alone my last therapist (female).

I wanted her to care about me, the way I cared for her. I have fearful avoidant tendencies, so it's usually a push/pull kinda thang for me. One of the first things I heard from a new-turned-former therapist is that wanted the type of connection, along with forming a deep attachment, to a therapist is a bit of an avoidant tendency in that you desire connection with someone who cannot reciprocate it. This has been a habit of mine, choosing emotionally unavailable people, even if by profession. It keeps me "safe" from having a true connection, as there are defined boundaries and the t has been trained to remain detached.

I find it much easier to open up to someone I am NOT attached to, because once I form an attachment, they are much more capable of hurting me or using my feelings against me.

And then there's the behavior and actions of the therapist that factor in to how "open" I can be. So, I completely empathize with you. My preference is to remain detached while doing this very painful work and limit attachments to those might be able to meet my emotional needs.

You are describing the push and pull of disorganized attachment (I need you, I'm afraid of you) and good therapists especially trauma therapists will have a good understanding of this and how to support you with it. I experience it very strongly in therapy. Part of me try to attach to my t and want to feel safe with her but then protector parts step in and block her off again. Its a little dance thing we have going on.

That doesn't seem very therapeutic. Is your T always like this?

No she doesn't do that. She has said before, would you like to end early, and at times I sit in silence and may take a while for me to talk for not sure what part of mind I am in. That is the first time she walked out. Inside I was calling for her to not go, yet I sensed relief, and was also shocked she actually left. I was like wow, she walked out.
I sat in silence in her office, grabbed a pen and paper and started to write and the scribble it all out then walked out only to come back in, she was still in other office so I went back to her office where I was sitting and sat back down to write. I had about 10 min left of my regular session so I wrote. Then looked at clock, and a sense of pure anger came over me, and I ripped up the letter and from the corner of my eye I saw she was standing in the doorway. Just watching. I picked up the pieces of paper off the floor threw them away and walked by her as she called out see you next Thursday. I didn't say a word.

Your T seems completely clueless about you and her behaviour sounds very inappropriate. Could you challenge her on her behaviour or better yet, find someone else, who understands the whole concept of therapy better because this T doesn't seem to understand it at all.

Sorry, it just makes me angry to read that such people are actually practicing as therapists.

I'm not sure I'd even be able to go back after that happened. How are you feeling about it now? That doesn't seem like something a therapist should do. I sit in silence in session and my T has never ended the session or left the room. He might try to prompt me to speak, but he's there with me. I think therapists should know that sometimes when you're in pain you just can't speak. I'm sorry this happened to you.