this week

this week i'm mad at my t. i didn't tell him i was mad at him but i told him i was mad at my first t. because she didn't listen to me. she heard what i said through the lens of her stupid theory and insisted on beating me over the head with my supposed irrationality all the time. i mean... i know she was doing the best she could to help me within the constraints she had to operate under (pressure to justify seeing / helping me given extensive wait lists) but i was frustrated.

ended up being mute. she terminated me 'cause i couldn't say anything. i'd try but i couldn't. i'd give her writing and she would brush it off as insignificant.

i'm mad at my t. i tried to talk to him about two things that were important to me and he thought i was avoiding. so those two things have kinda collapsed in my life. he is leaving for a week next week. i forgot about that. i hate him. i'm not going back. of course i might feel differently in a week. but right now i hate him. %#@&#!.

hurts too much. pain has been bad this week. got my period too which doesn't help. but it is more than just that because it is lasting longer than that. feel so heavy and painful inside. mad that he is leaving and so very painful that he is leaving. shouldn't let myself get attached. he got defensive today. didn't understand my specific complaints... got defensive. haven't really seen him do that before. guess i gave him a little taste of how i feel. 'cept he can go away and have a nice holiday and forget all about me. terrific for him. i don't think i am gonna go back. hurts too much. don't get attached to people they'll just let you down. have other things going on for them that are more important than you. kick you to the curb when something better comes along. i've got so much i need to be doing. i'm hurting so much. scared to go to work 'cause i'm scared i'll burst into tears. feel so tired and hurt so much. maybe i should take a valium. i hate him. i hate him. i hate him.

alex

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i tried to talk to him about two things that were important to me and he thought i was avoiding

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">What do you mean? He refused to talk about these two topics with you because he thought you were raising them to avoid other topics he considered more important? What topics did he want to talk about? Sometimes it can be confusing when Ts leave the responsibility of what to talk about in session up to you, as they should, but then they won't talk about the topics you raise. It's like, they can't have it both ways!

I hope you are OK, alex.

((AK)) When you go away, do you forget about significant people in your life? Or do you think of them fondly? I know this hurts, but you've got to go into the fear and pain, theres so much healing and recovery to be had by it.. gotta feel it to heal it.

hey sunny. yeah... he thought i was avoiding in the session where i talked about something to do with internet boards. and he thought i was avoiding in the session where i talked about productivity at work. he thinks i'm not avoiding when i tell him about the pain that i felt when my dad left. he said something about how i don't have to talk about it every week (that he understands that sometimes i've got other stuff going on in my life and that i'll need to avoid it sometimes). but he made it clear that from his perspective thats what the real work consists in, yeah.

so i emailed him about how i was trying to get to important stuff with those two topics. stuff that connects the present to the past. that that was what i was aiming for, yeah. that maybe i failed. but that it was hard because he kept trying to divert me back... and as such it was harder for me to get to where i wanted to go with that. even in the session where i did talk abotu the pain... i started telling him a story. and he intervened at every pause of breath to try and divert me back... and i just kept on with my story. talking over him if need be. and he looked a little bored... and i just kept on with my story. and i got to the point where these two guys got a little 'too friendly' with me - and that that was when the pain turned into screaming. and of course he was happy with that. only... he didn't seem happy with listening to me tell the story when he couldn't see where i was going with it.

and i feel like he doesn't trust me. he doesn't trust that when i tell him stuff (that story, about the boards, about my productivity) that i'm %#@&#! well trying to get to something really hard for me. HE DOESN'T %#@&#! TRUST ME. and it makes me feel sad and mad.

and i tried to tell him this. and he was like 'i understand' only he didn't understand - he misunderstood quite badly. so... i %#@&#! kept on with trying to get him to understand. and then he realised he misunderstood but i still don't think he did understand. and then he got defensive.

and i felt horrible.

and i txt messaged him and said that somebody stole my valium and please could he either fax the pharmacy or fastpost me a script. and he said he would post me a script (i'm not sure that you can fax pharmacies over here because there is some policy and / or law that the patient retains the script and not the pharmacy). so...

valium. or potentially temazepam. i said that worked quite well too. feeling a little better now after a wise decision to go to after work drinks and dinner and drinks after avoiding work. mostly in the last two weeks cause i've got a talk deadline... but also after work fell apart for me after i realised that such a thing is not considered 'significant' by my therapist. work seems to be considered 'avoidance' in fact.

and i know i'm over-reacting... but i'm super %#@&#! sensitive right now.

i'm upset that he doesn't trust me. and i'm upset that he feels like he needs to push me because i'm time limited (yeah he said that again today) and so he is trying to make the most of the time that he has with me... and that he doesn't trust me to push myself. and that... sometimes... he doesn't %#@&#! listen. and he said something today about 'don't you feel like i mostly do listen' and i was like 'yeah or i wouldn't be telling you this now' but at the end of the day he was defensive really.

and whatever. sure his %#@&#! head is outta the office and into his holiday already.

(((((((((((((((((((sunny)))))))))))))))))

hey mouse. sometimes... the feelings are able to be worked through. and sometimes... the feelings are too much to be worked through. retraumatic. too much to be worked through. when i feel too paranoid to leave the house (people are laughing / condemning / disgusted) when their faces start dripping / melting black... then its time to take some valium - only i can't find the damned things.

i have about 5 smallish (but annoyingish) jobs i have to do. jobs that will take about half a day each. that... and 1/4 of a seminar to write and about 5 hours of practice required to give it on wednesday next week (along with it gaining approval of a supervisor). time pressure... one of them involves attempting to sort out my alledgedly being $700 behind on my rent where i have a receipt (that i didn't check at the time) given for MY payment with someone elses name and room number on it that has been credited to his account. i paid cash so the only potential verification is going to be a bank statement which is going to involve my taking some time at the bank... and then with the rooms manager... etc.. crap like that. sorting out a JP to sign these speeding fines even though i don't %#@&#! drive a car and my going down as the person to contact even though i don't even have a %#@&#! drivers lisense and when the person lives in a different country and probably isn't even going to %#@&#! pay. just annoying stressors that are adding up.. and still... period cramps (severe) three days in. not doing so good...

give me a week or so...

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alexandra_k said:
i'm upset that he doesn't trust me. and i'm upset that he feels like he needs to push me because i'm time limited (yeah he said that again today) and so he is trying to make the most of the time that he has with me... and that he doesn't trust me to push myself. and that... sometimes... he doesn't %#@&#! listen. and he said something today about 'don't you feel like i mostly do listen' and i was like 'yeah or i wouldn't be telling you this now' but at the end of the day he was defensive really.

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That's gotta be really hard. Do you know how much time you have left to work with him? Maybe he has a certain agenda of what he wants to accomplish with you before you have to leave? Is it different than your agenda? Or maybe you guys just have two different ways in which you want to go about meeting the goal(s) and you need to meet in the middle somewhere.

I'm not a hug person, but I'm sending you some anyway.

AK, sorry not sure what to say....I do know what its like...I'll leave it at that...

i think... the time limited thing is that he thinks i'll be moving on. lets see... i have about a year and a half left (officially) on my thesis. it is customary to take a six month extension to get it done so i guess that makes it about two years. i'm also planning on going to another city for a few months at some point (early next year maybe). and another country for a year near the end of next year.

i guess he is assuming that i'll be moving on when my thesis is written up. it is likely that i will... but it is possible that i won't...

he did say something (a bit defensive) about how i said the thing i wanted to work on was the pain. i guess that what he doesn't understand is that the pain manifests in different contexts now and so i'm trying to talk about those different contexts too. i'm actually thinking... that i might have been being a bit avoidant / defensive with my change in topics... but i think the situation is that i'm doing the best i can and i needed to change the topic in order to function. i think he needs to be careful of pushing me 'cause i'm more fragile than i look. and... i push myself plenty.

(((mouse)))