[sidony]

Okay so. I finally found a job. I think I'll really like the place. That's great news! Bad news: I chickened out on negotiating better pay even when they clearly expected me to. And I don't need higher pay, but the memory of shortchanging myself tortures me (translation: I now feel stupid).

I left T a message earlier so I can tell him about the job (will have to figure out when I can do therapy now), but I guess I'll also want to talk to him about how to control obsessive thinking. I mean, why can't I just enjoy the good without tormenting myself for mistakes?

I'm not sure this is a strictly therapy-related post (in spite of that last paragraph), but I wanted you guys to know where I'm at. I was so worried about work for so long, and now I can't be happy because I'm obsessing and feeling stupid. What's wrong with me?!

Sidony

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sidony said:
Okay so. I finally found a job. I think I'll really like the place. That's great news!

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Congratulations! I am so happy for you. Whew!

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Bad news: I chickened out on negotiating better pay even when they clearly expected me to. And I don't need higher pay, but the memory of shortchanging myself tortures me (translation: I now feel stupid).

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Why do you think you chickened out? Maybe refer to our therad on rejection and see if you'd like to join the club; membership is free, lol. It seems that your situation relates to the theme of what we are all talking about-- that fear to be assertive, even when the question is posed to you and the expectation is there.

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I left T a message earlier so I can tell him about the job (will have to figure out when I can do therapy now), but I guess I'll also want to talk to him about how to control obsessive thinking. I mean, why can't I just enjoy the good without tormenting myself for mistakes?

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Cause then you might not need therapy, lol. Seriously though, try to separate the situation. There is the job and then there is the obsessing about tormenting yourself for mistakes. They are totally separate things. One of them is about your job, the other is about you. Try to separate it a bit so that you can allow yourself to be happy about your job-- the other stuff comes from within you and you can start to work that out with T.

Once again, congratulations on your new job. I wish you the best and really hope you settle in quickly and enjoy it.

[sidony]

Thanks Pinksoil. That helps a lot.

I think I just worried that I really wasn't worth it and I was scared they wouldn't call me back or that they'd take somebody else for less money. Now they probably think I'm a weirdo for not negotiating.

Yeah I'm never assertive. I had every opportunity to be so there, and I was still afraid that I'd lose out if I asked for anything.

I wish I could stop obsessing about it though. I mean it's already done so why freak about it.

Sidony

[Perna]

It always took me a good 6 months before I felt comfortable in a new job.

I hope your "obsessing" will calm down soon. I'm glad you like the place/job. I'm sure that will help. Glad you can talk to your T again though and restart therapy.

[sunrise]

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Okay so. I finally found a job.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I am so happy for you!!

sidony, I can relate to your tale of not asking for a higher salary. Have I got the book for you! I am going to a career counselor right now, who is helping me decide if I need additional training to make more money or can just make more money doing something else but with my pre-existing training. (I need to make more money since I am getting divorced.) She gave me this book last time called, "Why Women Earn Less: How to Make What You're Really Worth." It is just so me. It gets into the psychology of why many women earn less than men (it's not all the glass ceiling). I think you might find some insights there that ring true for you. I am really learning a lot. It has practical stuff too. I highly recommend it. The author is Mikelann Valterra.

Even if you didn't get the starting salary you might have, just put it on your agenda to get a hefty raise after you have proved yourself for a year. Go gangbusters and show them what you're worth, then ask for a lot after a year. You're worth it!

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I'm not sure this is a strictly therapy-related post (in spite of that last paragraph), but I wanted you guys to know where I'm at.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I'm glad you posted; I was wondering how you were doing. Therapy is really all about dealing with the problems in our lives, and employment is one of them, so post away!

[sidony]

Thanks Perna and Sunrise.

Sunrise I should definitely check out the book!

I wish I could stop feeling this way. I'm just feeling so stupid -- like they'll think I'm an idiot or something -- 'cause I know that guy had told me he could get more money for me, and then I didn't ask. I think I've just felt so worthless for so long that I was afraid of asking for anything. It had been just over a week since my interview and I was already feeling like that was so long that they might not want me.

How can I stop feeling this way today?! I can't even be excited about the job. I managed to go buy a new suit but even that was difficult.

Ugh ugh ugh. What is wrong with me? There are so many real problems in the world, and I obsess over things that don't matter at all in the grand scheme of things.

Why don't I have any self-esteem? I really don't feel like I'm very good at what I do, and I'm always worried that someone will notice and my gig will be up (or something). And yet everywhere I worked I've gotten good reviews.

And now my mind just obsesses over and over and over. The way I obsessed over being unemployed at first. The way I obsessed over my ex being with someone else. The way I obsess over any mistake -- I'll torment myself for years over something trivial. I probably need meds. Better yet: self-esteem.

Sidony

[sidony]

Oo I just talked to a good friend of mine and she had some problems that I had to stop and worry about. There's a good chance I just need to obsess in general. And with my self-esteem low it's easier to obsess over the negative about myself.

On a funny side note, I went shopping while mostly distracted and confused. I sort of managed to say I needed a new suit. Salespeople were trying to help me, and I was a little out of it while I was talking to them. Before I knew it, I was standing in a dressing room with about 50 different outfits that they'd brought me because they really wanted to help and couldn't figure out what I wanted. I did end up with a nice black suit.

Thanks to all of you. It's so scary to talk about my self-esteem problems in real life. And yet it's so helpful when I can do it here.

Sidony

[MissCharlotte]

Sidony,

Congratulations on your job. I understand how good it feels to finally get a job, cause I just began mine about a month ago!!!

The questions about why you question are great fodder for therapy. Was one of your parents a perfectionist? Did you have to get things just right?

Anyway, for now enjoy the fact that you have the job and can relax a little. Good luck!!!

[Mouse_]

Sidony! Great going getting the job. You know the money thing, well I guess you had more important things on your mind, like getting a job and making sure you stayed ok, some people havent the same worries so they can go straight for the cold kill, thats them, you did as good as you could at that time.

[sidony]

Thanks Mouse and everyone,

I wish I could feel better. I spent all last night torturing myself about it. Didn't sleep a wink. I know I blew a perfectly good chance to up my starting salary, and I knew I was expected to take that chance (they were ready for it I know). Now I just feel like an idiot. I want to let it go in my mind, but I can't. Why did I do that?!?! Only about 6 simple words that I could have said and I'd feel 100 times better about myself today.

I really feel like a failure sometimes. Like I just can't make it in the "adult" world -- too cowardly.

The worst thing is that little mistakes torture me forever. I think about small things I did and said years ago and they still haunt me. This one will.

I just wish I could rewrite 5 minutes of my life. I'd feel happy today if I could.

Thanks for the support. Sorry I can't pull myself out of this. This is something ingrained in my personality that I need help with.

Sidony

[Perna]

Hey I just got an idea; put the "I could have gotten you more" guy in the back of your head and use him when you want a raise? It would be easier to talk to someone who already thinks you deserve/could get more than to someone you don't know exactly what they think?

I had a boss who was retiring and he said I was worth a certain amount and I stored that in the back of my head and the next job I applied for a year later (I'd been out on my own for a year, working for a contractor) I asked for less (and got it :-) but I've always remembered that and not felt bad, "knowing" I was worth more but just fear made me ask for less. Fear is an "external" thing to me, not part of me, just something I experience but my "worth" is greater.

[sidony]

Thanks Perna,

I do wish I could stop beating myself up about it. I'm just feeling really stupid today.

Sidony

[sidony]

I did learn something in therapy! I'm asking for help. I told my sister how screwed up I'm feeling and she's really trying to help me. Talking very reasonably to me and all that. Helping me figure out some emails I need to write. All those things. It helps. She's way more together than I've ever been.

Of course I also called T. I hope he'll get to call me back.

Sidony

[sidony]

Can you guys believe this is still keeping me up at night? One mistake and I obsess and obsess and obsess. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I've spiraled into depression. I'm back where I was a few weeks ago when I believed that my job prospects were really bleak. I'm cycling around from being upset about the mistake to being upset about my career in general (I don't feel like I'm very valuable on the marketplace) to being upset about my lost love relationship to being upset about my parents (I miss them and my dad isn't doing too great). And on and on and on. Mostly the mistake is obsessing me right now which is really absurd. I mean, all the awful things that can happen and that's what keeps me up at night. But I'm really in a bad way. I've actually had thoughts of self-injury (something I've never done) because I just want to punish myself somehow. And I've had strange thoughts too. I feel like I could only sleep if it was in a room full of people. I go crazy when I'm alone. I suddenly thought that it would help to sleep under the bed (which would be disgusting) -- I don't know why. I think I mentioned in another thread that I think I could sleep if someone were literally pinning me down. What kind of weird idea is that?! I walked into a psychic shop and had my palms read -- just to distract myself and to have some sort of weird connection for a few minutes (I don't buy into the idea of psychic readings). I tried to go out last night, met up with some friends and then wigged out and had to leave. I went to my sister's instead. I've been dumping all my problems on her (something I've never done before and which she can blame my being in therapy for ) and that helps. But I still go nuts the minute I'm alone again. I feel like I want to tear off my skin.

Sidony