[Goldi]

I'm not sure if this is the right area to post this as I am fairly new to this site and posting so please bear with me. I have just recently started therapy for really the first time. I'm in my 30s. It was a tough decision, but I think it is the right one for me at this time. I really like my T and it seems he "gets" me and has been patient with my often inability to open up. I actually do want to tell him, but the words get stuck somehow and I have communicated this to him. Anyway, in our last session he suggested I try and close my eyes and see if that helped me talk. I closed my eyes, but the words still wouldn't come. So, he asks, kinda out of the blue, if I had ever been r***d. I managed a meager yep to which he said he had guessed that was a posibility and he knew he surprised me with the question. I'm mixed about his method, but realize it was probably a necessity to get the cards on the table. My anxiety went insane. I couldn't look at him. I was shaking a little and ended up biting my lip pretty bad. He didn't push, but asked if this was a topic I wanted to continue to address with him or not. He said he didn't want to "retraumatize" me or anything if I wasn't ready. He left it entirely up to me. I told him I would try and made an appointment for next week.

Now, in the light of the next day, I'm completely embarassed both for how I acted in his office (like some sort of drama queen or something) and I feel like I made a big deal of stuff that happened years ago and it really wasn't that bad. I wasn't dragged into an alley and beaten or anything. I was able to drive home, go on with life. I've since been to college, got married (hubby doen't know of any of my past), and had a kid. How could it have been that bad if I was able to "move on" as I have? I just feel like I'm acting so stupid and just need to get over it. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way.

[Mouse_]

Hi Godi, I'm not sure T asking you to do anything helps the client feel empowered? But I'm not an expert. Thats for your feelings that your making a fuss, is a classic reaction to things that have happened long ago and in which we've supressed to carry on living a normal life.

When I first went into a treatment centre I remember telling the counsellor there that i didnt feel I deserved to be there recieving help as my life hadn't been that "bad".

Nearly 5yrs on I finally see just how bad an impact my life had, had on me. Everyones pain is personal and REAL!

[Perna]

Hi, Goldi. I don't think we can just "get over" traumatizing events. They stick around and nibble at our unconscious and thoughts despite our best intentions and thoughts that they shouldn't be any big deal. There shouldn't be any shoulds/shouldn'ts! Those are from outside of us, someone else says we shouldn't, not us.

It is up to you where to go with this, I think your T just wants to know what you want, whether you want to pursue it at this time. You could do a little work on other things and come back to it or not cover it at all, he just wants to know, you're in charge. I had a sexual problem and never mentioned it to my T but then "had" to because I referred to it and confused my T and either had to straighten her out about it and tell her or "lie" and leave her confused and that would have wrecked our relationship. So, I told her and she reacted a bit like your T, was thoughtful for a moment then stated how she thought we both were surprised at it coming up :-) and suggested we did not need to discuss it (which we didn't and both agreed on). That your T was able to guess your secret so soon implies you were "telling" him something unconsciously so it might be a good idea to explore it a bit. If it truly didn't bother you he probably wouldn't have been able to guess it? Like Mouse said, anything that bothers us is ours/big/important and worthy of discussing with T.

Hey Goldi-- welcome to the forum.

Sounds like you have a good connection with your T. That is interesting that your T directly asked you about the trauma-- but I think it's really great that he left it completely in your court after that-- so that you have the ability to choose if and when you want to explore that. Chances are since it is out there, it will come up at some point-- however, don't feel pressured.... talk when you are ready.

You are not "making" a big deal out of stuff that happened to you'' it is a big deal-- and the way you responded in regards to your anxiety was your natural response to becoming reacquainted with the trauma. You didn't "make" it to be anything-- allow yourself to be entitled to your feelings (easier said than done, of course).

As far as feeling embarrassed for how you acted in front of your therapist-- remember, therapy is the place for us to be able to experience all of these feelings. How else can we work on them if they don't come out somewhere? You don't know how many times I have acted like a complete baby in front of T.... or acted mean to him... It can be very embarrassing, indeed... but is a safe place to express this stuff.

I told my T this week that I don't feel "entitled" to have turned out the way that I did-- because things weren't that bad. I have told him this often... that because my neither my parents nor anyone else has ever physically, sexually, or emotionally abused me, that I have no right to have the problems that I do. Things could have been a lot worse so I do not validate my own feelings.

You are not alone in the way that you feel.

[ECHOES]

Hi Goldi,

Remember that therapy is at your pace, not T's. So if you don't feel ready to talk about something, or if you don't want to talk more about something, or if you want to stop talking about something, it's fine to say that.

You could, if you wanted to, go back and talk about his abrupt question and how you felt about that approach, but state that you don't want to talk about what the question was about yet because you aren't ready.

My last T jumped right in the first or second session about something that I was in no way ready to talk about! Even after I spoke to her about her pushing too hard she did it. I have a new T now and while she knows because I mentioned it (with much distress) as part of my general history, we haven't talked further about it. I've been with her for 7 months and I'm still not ready. That's okay with her.

Maybe he was just gathering info but isn't planning on delving into it yet. But for your peace of mind you could clarify that with him and tell him you've said all you want to say about it for the moment, if that's how you feel.

Welcome! Hope to see more of you.

[(JD)]

It sounds like you have been going to this T for quite a while, and perhaps in that time he was able to put together things you said and things you didn't say and how you "acted" at the time of thoses disclosures. I think it's very brave of you to answer him, and it will help in your healing process. That he let you know it was "out of the blue" and that you can leave it until you're ready sound like he is really caring about you.



Don't beat yourself up over any reactions in therapy. If you could live just fine the way you have to act in public, then you wouldn't be needing therapy, the therapy relationship, and the safe therapy office. imo.

[Goldi]

Thanks all for your comments. I appreciate all of you and what you have said soooo much.
My T seems to know I need a little nudge without being totally pushed when I get stuck. But he does seem to quickly give the reigns back to me. Now I just need to work on letting my feelings be, without trying to edit them. It's seems that while I mentally know one thing, my emotions refuse to catch up just yet.

Once again, thank to ALL of you guys. I really value your insights and caring.