Couch 155: The International Operator

So my therapist said that since I seem to want more from her than I am getting when I say she doesn't understand my issues around being asexual in this world, she suggested seeing a sex therapist, someone whose website is like a neon sex sign and the opposite of everything I am about. I could not feel more alienated. I think my therapist officially hates me.

I’m sorry, rr. Even for Therapist Logic (an oxymoron) that makes no ****ing sense.

((((ruh_roh)))) I don't think she hates you, I think she's just trying to help.

Thanks--but in no universe does what she suggest make any kind of sense...unless she hates me or wants me to feel even more marginalized.

Ts mess up sometimes, it may not make sense so then don't do it but I think she meant well.

i agree, it doesn't make sense AT ALL, but it also doesn't seem like it means she hates you. probably she just has no effing clue what to do with the term "asexual," and thinks a sex T could help (hahaha, it makes no sense).

this is tough, bc it seems like your T has helped you out a lot ruhroh. but she really is effing this all up. is she older and just doesn't get it?

Reminds me of when my old t once suggested I read an erotic novel. My jaw almost dropped. I knew that didn't make any sense for me or my situation.

Thanks everybody!!

Nice to see you, granite! And yes healed, I love the exclamation points haha! They made the decision at lightening speed for where I work, it's only been 2 weeks since I applied. And training starts a week from today already! I am now going to be an Email Correspondence Specialist. It doesn't come with a raise, but it will open up a new path for future opportunities. I'm excited.

how's THAT for a multiquote?!

What if rr’s therapist had said that to a gay client? Sex therapists usually deal with sexual dysfunction, don’t they? It more or less says, “you’re the problem.”

Meaning well or not meaning well, thoughtlessness still hurts.

Damn, she's clueless on asexuality it seems. I hope she gets a clue. It makes sense you are marginalised in this sexual world

I'm sorry she missed the mark by so much. I turn a thousand shades of red whenever my t has mentioned sex. I am not asexual, but I don't want to TALK about it either!!

Thanks for all the support, everyone. This was so absolutely off the mark, I can only think she wanted to hurt me in some way. I'm going to leave it alone and distract with the Menendez Bros Law and Order.

I am really sorry you had to hear this.

I don't mean to make matters worse but it sounds to me like your therapist has hit (what I think I brought up earlier) a sort of 'stuck' place in helping you sort out this stuff -- it sounds like she's just gotten rather frustrated.

In terms of pure tactical stuff, is there a way that you can just not talk about this stuff for a little bit and focus on other things (just to give yourself some breathing room)?

(At the risk of getting really basic) Have you ever tried telling her to not talk / not give any sort of response but to simply listen to you? And, you hold forth and say exactly what's on your mind?

When I've felt that a therapist's response was significantly lacking, what I did (and your personality I bet is likely much different from mine in this regard, so take it for what it's worth) was to give excruciating detail on what occurred -- what I said, how they responded, what I said in return and so on, replete with their facial expressions / other gestures etc -- and tell them exactly how it felt for me to go through it. I totally get how it's a douchebag-gy thing to do but otherwise, I'd get frustrated that they'd keep saying that all was fine on their end and it's just in my imagination that things were wrong -- so being really really really (idiotically) specific helped.

Of course, with current T, it also made matters a whole lot worse for a while because she's well, ridiculously sensitive (and / or I'm way too abrasive for my own good) but even there, it helped her to finally figure out exactly what I had a problem with -- rather than sort of floating around in what seemed like generalities and allowed her to get away with saying pretty much anything and calling it fine.

For what it's worth, I have had both current T and former T suggest that if I was unhappy with them (when I was in the midst of raging at them), I could go see other therapists (when I actually did, ahhh.....their response was sooo different, ya know?).

Art, does this mean you can get off the phones?

Thanks for this. Yeah, I need to not bring this up for a good long while, or ever again. I am the same as you when it comes to doing a re-enactment of how/when things went wrong. In this case, she says that she hears how this is for me and is sorry I can't hear that she understands. But when she suggests someone who advertises as a sexologist, complete with all the diverse sex themes she works on, I have to accept that I will not be understood on this. You gave me a heads up that this would be the case. It's hard to take in, though.

I know this sounds awful but have you tried telling her what would've felt like an understanding response?

When people talk about how saying that sort of stuff is helpful, I used to roll my eyes.

I still roll my eyes at the idea of trying to get someone to give me that perfect response.

But, in the case of therapy, what I actually use that for is to show how far and away and lacking the therapist's response is versus what I had in mind.

In the moment it didn't help much with current T (stone cold silence, staring daggers etc). But, at a later point, it helped her 'get' why I was repeatedly getting so pissed off.

And, of course, in my case, I went many steps further and then insisted that the reason current T couldn't give me that response was because she unconsciously had a problem with me.....didn't get anywhere much with that but I trust you'll not go down the same path.

For what it's worth (not much I know) I really don't think this is a reflection of her feelings for you (truly -- trust me, I'd be the first to bash her up if that were the case).

Thanks, AY. I actually did tell her (last week, in fact) what I would specifically like her to say and she said she had said that, was sorry I didn't hear it, and then added something that changed the meaning. She is super frustrated, and I suspect pretty effing angry, which is why she gave me the name of the sex shop doctor--something she has to know is not going to work for so many reasons. I will let this blow over, and let it fester and rot inside like a normal person would do. Maybe try to take up drinking. I have never been successful at it, but maybe I haven't found the right product.

Yes!! Incoming anyway. There will still be outgoing calls for research purposes. But no more inbound. Yay!!

i'm so proud and congratulations.
that was my thought too!
why do you think she is so angry?

I think she's angry because she has suggested a sex shop therapist, even though it's counter to her own advice, which is that this is too wrapped up in early abuse and isn't safe for me to work on when I am so triggered like this. Trust me, she is fed up.

That's great news!!! I'm so happy for you.

I’m thinking of sending No. 3 a book on boundaries.

Probably go right over her head, though. Waste of money.

Googled "Beaver Onesie" Was not disappointed

And kudos, Art! Very excited for you!