Testing T and then hating him.

First, thanks to all who replied to my previous thread.

I did make it to my internship today where I rarely have a moment to think of myself, which is a good thing. Some of my patients did really wonderful today-- a great thing to see. Unfortunately on top of the depression that was still lingering around I had a migraine headache from my period. I took a nap the moment I got home. Still depressed, but trying to keep on top of things-- finding resources for tomorrow's groups.

My pdoc called me at 7:30 this morning. And yes, McKell13, you were correct in remembering that I did recently start Lithium and a covering pdoc told me to go off of it because of problems I was having with my stomach. However, I did not go off the medication, as I thought he was being overly cautious and I am very familiar with my stomach issues-- and did not think that the problem was related to the Lithium. I told my doctor today that I became very depressed yesterday-- we are sticking with the Lithium, increasing the dose to 450mg tonight rather than bumping up to 600mg right away.

Okay, now for the point of starting this thread--

Last night I left a message for T around 1:30 AM. I could not sleep bc of the depression. I was also having some SI issues and sometimes I make a deal with myself where I leave him a msg as a way to limit my SI. So in the msg. last night, I made this exact statment:

You really don't have to call me back...

...and I explained how I was very depressed and wanted to leave him the msg. bc it was help me limit my SI to what I had already done and nothing further, etc.

As soon as I made that statement, I knew I'd be sorry.... because I knew I was testing him. I told him he didn't have to call back... so he didn't. And now I'm pissed off. I am so familiar with my pattern. I thought I would try to use this opportunity to thnk about what a %#@&#! *** I am. Or to learn something. Now all I feel is anger and this feeling of complete disconnect from him as though now there is no way in hell I could call back before Friday's session and say, "Could you call me back?" Ugh. Why do I do this? Why do I play games?

I'm am racking up an embarrassing agenda for Friday's session, that's for sure. So far I have:

1. I hate you because I told you not to call me back and you didn't.
2. When you casually mentioned that you have a client who is a child, you thought you were just telling me a cute story, but I ended up completely hating this innocent kid for my stupid, immature reasons.

hey why not call him and say, Okay, now I DO need you to call me back. It's what you want and need now. Ask for it.

Then you can spend all session Friday on the %*& kid client.

I'm glad you're feeling better!
Periods--

Pinksoil...Doesn't make sense for you to hate him when he took you at your word that he didn't need to call you back...
If he had called back and didn't take you at your word, you would of been mad at him for that...Sounds like he can't win.......FP

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FindPeace said:
Pinksoil...Doesn't make sense for you to hate him when he took you at your word that he didn't need to call you back...
If he had called back and didn't take you at your word, you would of been mad at him for that...Sounds like he can't win.......FP

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Actually, given the underlying circumstances, it completely does make sense. And I'm not sure that you can infer that I would have mad at him if he did call back.

Hi Pink,

I'm sorry you are still feeling crappy.

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I hate you because I told you not to call me back and you didn't.

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but I ended up completely hating this innocent kid for

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I really get the regret as soon as you leave the message. That has happened to me. But, it also sounds like your child within has some sibling rivalry to contend with. Maybe she also wanted to sound grown up on the phone with T and not bother him to take care of her needs?

I think your little girl needs a teddy to play with and cuddle...here ya go!

http://www.gummylump.com/files/produ...fed-animal.jpg

I don't know that you truly hate the kid your T sees since you don't know him. My T once compared me to her own 3 year old granddaughter :-) When you start "hating" you should look and see what it is that is "really" bothering you?

You told your T not to call you back and he didn't. Projection of the hate I think; you were wishing to be "grown up" and not need his call back but you secretly wanted it anyway? But you don't allow yourself to want it? Want it! :-)

Get clever with the callbacks and put your T in a "real" bind; tell him it's up to him whether or not he calls you back, LOL. Then, if he doesn't call you back it will be his decision and you can "hate" him for being a bad decision-maker.

I was camping with my grandchildren 3 and 2 this weekend and they and my stepson had a variety of neat "rituals"; if someone "fell down" the answer was that they "didn't stick the landing" (as in gymnastics :-) They were up in the top bunk of the RV and the 2 year old kept trying to stand up and it's not high enough so my son would say, "Hey Chaz, don't stand up" and Chaz would repeat that (and then try to stand up again :-) The day/night/today were very entertaining with them and seeing how they learn. So much going on! They are learning a good habit, when their father "speaks" to them (because they have caused a problem for him/themselves) they have to look at him and repeat what he says several times to make sure they "learn"/know it. Granddaughter Paige has "trouble" with trash and keeps picking up old/other people's :-) and that's kind of dangerous from a germs point of view? There was a 5 minute "argument" about "I told you to stop picking up trash"/"But it isn't ours!" as if she only wasn't allowed to pick up "our" trash (and stepson had to reiterate that "we" don't throw our trash on the ground so "of course" it is not ours).

My favorite though was last night when Paige was "rocking" in the little 4-legged plastic chairs, begging for a catastrophe :-) and stepson told the story of when he was a little boy and his father (husband Scott) made a rule that "at least 3 legs have to be on the ground at all times", LOL!

Pinksoil, you're not alone.

I find myself saying "you don't have to call me back" every time I finally break down and call my T.....
The I spend the next 24 hours checking my cell phone for a message from him......pathetic.

Why don't I say

"PLEASE CALL ME...... NEED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE!!"

Yea, the little kid is definitely upset. So is the adult. I am on the verge of calling T and leaving a message saying that I'm an awful liar and game-player and of course I wanted him to call back..... but I don't think I'm going to do it. Leaving a message for him to call me back on a Tuesday is pointless because I'm too busy to even get the call. I mean I could still leave a message to convey my same point but I guess I'm just looking for reasons not to do it.

Why can't Ts just call the clients once per week to check in? It should be a new rule. In the code of ethics.

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pinksoil said:
Why can't Ts just call the clients once per week to check in? It should be a new rule. In the code of ethics.

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I think if you and your T discussed that and agreed on it, it could be a new "rule" associated with your therapy. You can always ask. I know, easier said than done.

There was one time in therapy when I had the strongest urge to disavow something, kind of similar to telling your T over the phone he doesn't need to call you. I had said something about us and I wanted so strongly to minimize it and make light of it. I fought and fought myself in session not to do that. And I was very proud that I didn't. But it took a lot of energy. I hope next time it will be easier. And for you too. Next time, on the phone, can you try not saying that he doesn't need to call you back, even if you really, really want to?

I hate when that happens. I can't wait to hear what happens next. )

There are two separate issues here, from what I can see. First - give yourself a break and allow yourself to change your mind and ask for what you need. The message could be "please call me Wed." But wouldn't you want a client to be able to call you if he/she needed you -- even if they at first thought they didn't? I think it shows courage to ask.

The second things that strikes me is how quickly you move to "hating" him. Testing a therapist is to be expected, but it sounds so extreme - especially after several good sessions together. Any ideas why it goes this way for you? After all this time, do you still expect him to fail you?

I'm glad you called him Pink when you felt the SI coming on...I so wanted to call my T this weekend before I made yet another big mistake...

I didn't have him or anyone to call and I tried to deal with the pain but to no avail...I couldn't bring myself to call him, it would've sent me way over the edge when he didn't call back.

I'll have to think of something else as a coping mechanism but it is so hard.

I'm not so sure you were testing your T, maybe you really didn't need him to call back hence why you said it. There have been those times when you say call me back so I tend to believe in your gut feeling even if it did feel the exact opposite later on.

I'd go with your gut...

Hey.. well I called after the SI but it was to limit further SI that I felt coming... and that did work.... I didn't do anything additional that night.

I think I was testing... because as I was saying, "You really don't have to call me back" there was this little part of my unconscious that was saying, "That %#@&#! better call me back if he gives a %#@&#!..."

And then I put myself in a really bad place because I end up feeling really disconnected from him.

I'm such a big, stupid baby. %#@&#! %#@&#! %#@&#! %#@&#!

No, you are not a stupid baby at all

I'm chuckling at myself because if I tested my T, and I have quite frankly, I'd be waiting on the edge of the ledge and would need to jump because he wouldn't respond...hee hee.

I shouldn't joke about that but you get my point...