Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

T
this is important but I know I won't be able to tell you.
he grabbed my hands and held them in place. Even though the room was full of people because of the way we were standing no-one else could see. He "tickled" my butt and sneered. Do you know what he means T? I can't explain it in writing. The "show" was love but the intent was a reminder of ownership.
I know it is important to tell you this but i don't know how I would ever be able to.

Dear T,

I see you on Wednesday, in two days. I hope you're not mad at me for leaving you a desperate message on Thursday afternoon. But I guess your help doesn't matter anymore anyways since I managed to get a hold of my psychiatrist (finally!!).

Whatever.

I just wish you would've said something to me instead of leaving me hanging. I could've sworn you said you were working on Thursday and Friday, but it's totally possible I misunderstood or got things mixed up. Though if you were working on both Thursday and Friday, you have some serious explaining to do. (And assuming you were working, you should have at least called back to tell me, "no, I can't help you, but you can look at XYZ resources." That's the least you could've done. I wouldn't argue with you over the phone.)

Seriously, why don't you see what it's like to hallucinate and get paranoia while your psychiatrist takes a million years to get back to you? That's why I called you. Get it now? It took my psychiatrist two days to get back to me and to change my meds, and honestly, he doesn't give a sh_t since he's leaving the practice anyways. So I guess you're the only one who could give a sh_t... but I don't know if you do or not. I will confront you about it on Wednesday, though, and we'll find out the answer real quick.

C,

Will you respond to my email tomorrow? I hope so, but I certainly don't expect it. I don't really 'feel you' right now. I'm not panicked about this, but I miss the security I was feeling. I'm just ready to get back to normal life now. Although... S. I miss him again. Sigh. I always miss him most when I don't feel connected to you. Or maybe... I wind up not feeling connected to you when something shakes up my feelings for S again... both maybe.

I really need to hear from you. Please?

oh hey t. i will wait until thurs to email you, but i REALLYYYY hope you have an opening next tues. my christmas was not so good

Dear FM,

Wow, you did not miss a beat in keeping our conversation going when I farted at your table. My mom would have announced how rude I was and then given me the evil eye for the rest of the evening. If she could delay her shaming lesson the lecture would have come later that night, only after her apologizing and making me apologize to each guess that came through the door in the last 24 hours. I am the others had left the room at that point. In the past I would ruminated about this and wanted to be dead...but instead the memory brings a smile to my face as I recall the embarrassing Moment and then my life goes on. Thank you all for your hospitality. It was a wonderful, yummy day.

AesB

PS: I'm glad it wasn't a smellin one.

So I've got it in my head that I really want to give you a hug when I see you next, I'm wondering why because generally I'm not a touchy/feely person, I think it's because I want to thank you for the last year but also because I kind of think you the only person I trust with closeness and sometimes I just need the reassurance and to feel close to you.
I fear the rejection though so it's something I'm not sure I can bring up with you.

Hi T,

I keep dwelling about that one session we had at the beginning of our work together. I said that no one is happy anyway, that everyone is struggeling and feeling bad all the time. You thought about this for a while and then said, that you're happy in general.

Now I can't help but imagining you in midst of your family, celebrating, happy...

9 days?

[I wanted to write "love you" here, but that would be kind of weird, wouldn't it... ]

I'm in a mess. I don't know whether I love you or hate you, whether therapy is helping or just ****ing me up more. I miss you and I hate missing you. I want to blame you for the situation with my family, would I be where I am now if I hadn't started seeing you....I feel so trapped. I keep thinking about what you said in our last session before the break, when I was zoning out..'maybe I'm not giving you what you need'. Did you mean just then or did you mean altogether? I feel like you're going to give up on me.

Hi R,

Christmas Day was lovely, Christmas night was a stretch, but tolerable. Of course, Christmas night 2013 was kind of where it all began, so I expected that to be a little tricky. Same old scene keeps coming back to me, though.

Hope you and your family had a lovely time.

I love you, my mister universe.
Thank you for everything... I'm sorry
Eta: I'll miss you... Missing you already

Dear T,
So you showed up in my dream again last night. From what I recall, it mostly centered around my trying to figure out what kind of car you drove--and I did, by watching as you walked to your car--though I seriously doubt you actually drive a white Honda Civic in real life. (I assume the white symbolizes something--goodness? innocence? purity?) I know I requested an extra session at one point in there, too, and you gave it to me. And MC was in there, too--I had to pick up something on the floor as both of you were standing there, so I was on the ground by your feet--I assume that's symbolic of power differential in my relationship with both of you...
See you tomorrow (unless I see you in my dreams tonight first...)
LT

So... I guess u hate me. I deserve it. I'm sorry for my illness

Years of commitment to you and walking with you through hell would indicate otherwise. I'm certain he doesn't hate you

We are coming up on our 7th anniversary of treatment. I look at how FAR I've come working with you - the best teacher I could ever hope for. Thank you for everything.

Thank you especially for not making me feel awkward when I blurted out I love you during our Christmas hug. Then you said you loved me too so I'm on Cloud 9.

Dear FM,

Still no feelings of embarrassment or shame.

I keep thinking that I'm not that attached, because I don't feel the same way about you as I did about him.

But today I miss you. I'm cold and sad and it's stormy outside and I miss you. How stupid.

I need you to help me hate myself less.

I can't do that until I talk to you about it, can I?

I hate talking about it. Talking about hating myself makes me hate myself.

Hey ex-t. I did good not emailing you this morning. (Well, me and Bob Newhart and some couch folks! ) I wanted to share w you the realization about the transference-y stuff you/my mother and how that's complicating the wishing we could be friends thing but what good would it do at this point? None. I need to just let it all the **** go. That's what would be best for me I think. Oh sure we could talk about it, but why? It's not like I can just start making appointments with you again. I can't. I can't afford it emotionally or financially. I need to remember fondly all the good and let the other stuff go.

C,

I know our deal is you aren't obligated to read or respond to my emails (but you always have).
I know it's Christmas-ish time.
It still hurts that you haven't responded to my email.
And it's starting to rip the seams of my sense of security.
Even though I read all your old emails last night, and they are all exactly what I need to hear.

C,

Thank you for responding and for being you.
I know therapy is supposed to be about serious stuff, but...
Right now, I think I'd be content to just curl up on your sofa and talk about nothing.

Dear Dr. S,

I love you. I like loving you like this. Sorry, I almost giggled when your belly grumbled. I contained it, and moved on.

-me

Dear Info,

Yeah, so...not doing well. On this crazy schedule where I sleep a few hours, get up, roam the city for a few hours no matter what time it is, go back to the apartment and go to bed...then rinse, repeat. I am eating little and drinking daily, which is unusual for me.

I know I’m welcome to email you, but I don’t really know what to say or if that will even help.

ATAT

Well, T, I'm still here. Fraying around the edges a bit. Thinking of New Years Eve and dreading it. Feel like holding my breath until it's over.

Dear t- my family of origin has a way of making me feel like I don’t have a place in this world. When I get back please help undo the damage. Am I really so unlovable?

M.

I will miss you tomorrow.

There is something that’s happened that I really don’t understand. It’s really beyond me sorting it out. I’ve tried.

I can’t wait to share it with you next week and hear your thoughts on it.

Sooo much family time this past week. It becomes overwhelming.

Just putting this here brings a bit of calmness to my mind.

What has happened?

I remember you telling me, at some point, that sometimes a memory will be like a log stuck and holding things back, and when that log gets released then it may be like a “downpour?” I don’t think that’s the right word.

I do know what it feels like.

Happy early New Year!!

It’s going to be a great year.

I just know it!