Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Dear MC,
So...you gonna respond before tomorrow or what?
--LT

MC,
**** you. I wanted to say that on the phone, but couldn't get it out. Seriously, you can go ti ****ing hell. And then to ****ing cap that al off by telling me I have to reduce my outside contact? How nice that you get to be all "Mr. Boundaries" when it's convenient to you. Trying to rewrite the ****ing past, like you've forgotten about all the phone calls and stuff. And then to claim you were saying all that because you thought I wanted a session instead of a phone call? When I think I used the words "phone call" in like 5 diferent places in the texts and e-mails? Do you need new glasses maybe?
But seriously, **** you.
And, if this is how you treat people who share feelings of love with you, I'm glad I'm not your kid or partner or anything...
Not feeling the love right now...
LT

LT, I'm sorry. Sending you good thoughts and hugs if okay.

Dear MC,



LT

It seems like your other t has better boundaries. I know for myself if there wasnt good boundaries then I would be a complete mess

Thanks, estella. Yes, current T (who I've only been seeing a few months...and who used to work with MC) seems to have much better-defined boundaries. At first, it was a bit frustrating (he charges for e-mails that take more than 15 minutes to read and respond to), but now...I'm seeing the positives to it. Plus he fit me into a session tomorrow morning (MC is usually fully booked), so I really appreciate him for that (not the first time he's squeezed me in at last minute).

But at least I know what to expect...and yes, I have to pay for tomorrow's session (not sure yet if I'm keeping Tuesday's), but I also feel like there's much less of a chance of misunderstandings in person. Plus, now I feel like MC is holding the extensive outside contact over my head...like it was OK for the past couple years, but not anymore. Which seems really arbitrary. And is painful. Especially because he's made this big deal about not abandoning me. I mean, yeah, maybe he's not terminating us, but where is the abandonment line emotionally? Topics to discuss tomorrow, I guess...

Have you considered having a threesome... well, in therapeutic terms heehee.

What I mean is you, your new t, and mc having a get together to talk specifically on boundaries. One time my T suggested the possibility of having a third person join us for a session

I don't know how I will be able to look at you on Tuesday, T. I feel so ashamed.

Funny you should mention that--I actually commented last session with T on a possible meeting with me, him, and MC (having floated the idea before with ex-T). He seemed open to the possibility. Think it could help to have a mediator there with MC...then again, T used to work with him, so...

Dear No. 3,

I’m trying to mourn the fact that we finally had closure in June, then your ignoring my request that you not communicate with me for fear of upsetting that closure, then once you did communicate and upset that closure, not offering any kind of repair when asked until a third party got involved months later, has now turned the good ending I needed into a painful, messy one.

To just feel sad about it instead of getting angry at you or melting down.

It’s not going super-well.

ATAT

Dear MC,
Yeah...not sure how tomrrow's gonna go. Concerned it will get ugly. And H is on my side, so...
LT.

I went to see my ex t from 20'years ago who works with my current t because of issues with current t. Them knowing each other helped. Didnt solve any problems but gave me more insight

Thats round the time current t had suggested the possibility of a therapeutic threesome

Dear MC,

FU,
LT

Dear T,
You'd better not mess this up tomorrow. If you start taking MC's side, I'm out of there. Which would be a shame, because I like you. (No not like that, please don't get all weird).
LT

Hmmmmm... I feel hurt. And paranoid

LT, I am so sorry you are hurting so much! Please take care of yourself, he is not worth that much. I am glad you have the new T with clear boundaries and lots of insight. Why don't you try to lean on him more and really try to cut MC out of your head. How about trying another MC the same way you tried another T and found it a good change. I am in no way taking MC's side on this at all, I think he f'd it up. It is very confusing telling everything is ok and then suddenly it is not. I understand your hurt. But also maybe he realized what he was doing was not helping you. Your feelings for him seemed to only intensify. And he is your MC, not your T. I suggest you talk with your wise T about all this and let him be there for you and maybe try another MC. I don't really believe in working through all these feelings with him.

Anxious to see what your response is to my last email. It's a big one for me.

Thnx for writing back and explaining.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session, even though you did upset me at one point. You recovered OK. I get what you were going for, and it helped to see it from that perspective--I was just in too fragile of an emotional state to see it the way you intended at first... And thanks for handling my last-minute confession of in a compassionate and non-alarmist way. "I'm sorry" was exactly the correct reaction.

And don't worry, I'm not going to start sending you love e-mails just because you're kind and warm to me...

--LT

Love you VERY much. Looking forward to seeing you. I have lots to talk about, something you said last week needs talking about. Handle it well won't you?

You can't fix this. What's the point?

Dear MC,
That went about as well as could be expected, I guess. Thanks for listening and not being all defensive, which is what I'd expected. You seemed almost...humble seems the wrong word, but that's what comes to mind. And thanks for at least considering the idea of having an individual session or two with me to deal with transference stuff.
--LT

I'm afraid you are going to fade away. I'm trying to keep remembering that you said that just because I'm getting better, that it isn't over. See you Wednesday.

Dear T,
I'm glad you said we can play scheduling another session this week by ear and that your schedule is pretty open. I have this feeling that my feeling OK right now isn't going to last...like it may be more exhaustion than anything. Well, and relief with being done with the MC appointment. So...don't be surprised if I text you in the morning asking if I can see you in the next few days. Partly because of MC, partly because of you, because now...I'm a little paranoid that you saw how I became with MC, when he was, as I think you put it, "warm and caring" toward me...are you going to be afraid to act that way with me? For fear I'll be sending you the love e-mails?

And really...I think I just need to talk more about the MC stuff. I'm glad we had the session this morning, because it helped me get through it, but...I need to do more processing. Once the dust settles in my brain after today's MC session, I think I'll need to talk again. And I suspect you have that sense, too, considering your flexibility with whether to schedule this week or next...

Fondly,
LT

I'll see you tomorrow, T. Very scared. Want to hide.