Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Oh God that was a bad one
I feel stuck back then how do I come back

C,

I do feel your care. I truly do. And I believe in it - that's why, even though I couldn't help but hear "I'm going to stop caring about you, and there's nothing you can do about it," I also knew that that's not what you were saying, and that you weren't conveying what you really meant. I knew that.

The pain I'm feeling now and can't seem to make my way out of tonight isn't really about you or what you said today. It's about S. And my ex-stepmom. And all the people who I loved/still love, who I thought loved me, and who either stopped loving me or just never did, and I didn't realize it.

I called S out on his not responding to my texts from yesterday. I told him they had been important to me, that I wasn't doing well today and, thus, reaching for him..to which he said "I'm sorry I'm not there when you reach." ...I said... "so am I."

I hate that this "box" (S box) is still here. That it was created at all. That it happened at all.

I was thinking that today, when I was quiet and staring at your rug, and didn't share it with you... that I wish it hadn't happened - everything with S. That seems simple and obvious, but it's not something I admit often -- I usually feel that having S is worth having been hurt by him. Still being hurt by him. Actually, I usually don't let myself think that he hurts me -- There is always too much doubt - that it's in my head, he's not really hurting me, it's just me blowing things out of proportion, taking things the wrong way. I'm just tired. And I wish that, with everything else I came to him with, my therapist (S) hadn't hurt me too.

P.S.,
I hope that that last paragraph doesn't come across as self pity or pity seeking, because I'm not meaning to feel sorry for myself.

sorry you got sick, really sucks we couldn't talk today, i had some things i needed to tell you. oh well, hope you are better soon.

hey t...thanks for writing back, even if you don't have an answer yet. i may have googled your name today to make sure you didn't die in a horrific accident. i am crazy, sorry t.

Dear T,
Sorry for the e-mail--I know you aren't fond of communicating that way, but I'm just struggling right now. Tuesday seems a long ways away. I didn't mention that I tend to have issues around the New Year, too...I hope if you choose to respond that it will be worth the $45...and if you just say "Sorry you're struggling, let's discuss Tuesday," that's OK, too. I just hope you're not put off by it. Because of course I'm scared because of the stuff with MC...Just attempting to get myself out of the guilt and sadness spiral and hoping you can help...

Please don't be angry with me or think I'm going to start e-mailing you incessantly--I won't. I've learned my lesson with ex-T and MC that unlimited outside contact is really until the T gets tired of it. But I won't abuse it with you, I promise. (For one, it would be bad for me financially...)
LT

I'm not ok. I'm not ok.
And I know I'm allowed to reach out to you. But I also know I shouldn't run to you every time something hurts or every time I cry. Is this one of those times I should reach out or one when I should sit with it alone?
I did reach out to S. Desperation -- this pain is 70% about him. And I hate, hate how badly I want him right now. How life or death it feels.
I want S.
I want you.
I can't have either.
I can only lie here in bed and cry alone.

If you want to hear it or not, here you go: I love you, in the way I explained to you today. And. You know what? I'm okay with it. You get to me, and it is exactly what I need. Thank you.

Hi Dr. S,

I don't even know what to say here. It's why I haven't emailed you yet.

Poke Touch, I want to play.

That's where my head is at.

I love you.
missing you,
me

Oh, I went to the links site I created for us, I haven't added anything since Sept. Have I not shared with you since then or I have I just not had the energy to maintain that log? Do you even go there anymore? Did you ever go there?

I feel like a fake but my internal data tells me otherwise.

hi t. please please please have an opening on tuesday? i don't think it will happen, but i am struggling big time. i don't have much hope left.

PC group: please do not comment on this post.

Dr. S,
I really shouldn't try to have friends. I'm not good at it, I just end up hurting them. I have the social understanding of a gnat.

Maybe instead of the goal of making friends, the goal should be how to live life without friends. Yeah, I think I like that one better. Let's do that.

I want to run away.
-me

Dear T,
Sorry I did not give you any warning before blurting out my C diagnosis today. I know I shocked you because for once I was looking you in the eye when I spoke. I also heard you do that heavy exhale thing you do when you are trying to release stress when I left tonight.

I hope you have learned from my mistakes. Get yourself tested and take care of yourself.

I felt the pain of reality after our session tonight. I felt so alone, just like I did the first night home after the accident. I know I have a long fight ahead of me and I will have to suck it up and rely on others once again. At least this time I will have you to guide me through it. Please be open minded and patient with me. I will try to get better as quickly as possible.

Just thinking about this...
I know I trust you. I really do. And I would never do anything that violates boundaries or your trust in me, if that even exists. After last night, I believe you must at least trust me in some way, leaving me alone in your office with files within my reach.
Of course, I'd have loved to get a sneak peak into your notes about me, but, hey, I think our relationship is good enough that I can ask you anything I want to know.

I am the kind who always carries everything with me when I'm with clients or students. I feel quite honored that you dont think that's necessary.

It's been almost 7 months. And nights like tonight, I miss you so much, I cry. I just miss having that one solid person always on my side, and knowing everything about me and walking with me in my journey, every step of the way.
Most of the time I'm okay. But I can feel myself sliding backwards. And reaching out for relationships with other men. Which is not good. I have enough trouble taking care of me and the kids.
Problem is none of the others I've been referred to are in the least attractive. Temporary T is good, but the connection isn't there.
Just feel adrift, sad and lonely. You're not my rock anymore. I have to be my own rock. Some days it's hard.

Dear T,
Part of me wants to send you an e-mail with just the subject "Ignore the other e-mail, sorry, we'll just talk Tuesday" with an empty e-mail body. But I feel like that would be annoying, and you'd still feel like you had to read and respond to the other e-mail. So I'll just nervously wait to see when and what you reply--you've replied to everything else I've sent (even when it's just been a "thanks" to your response), so I'm sure you'll at least say something. I'm just worried you'll be mad at me for sending it...I suspect that's just stuff with MC and projection though...

I think part of what this is really about, which I probably need to come out and say at some point, is if we stop seeing MC, then all I'll have is you. I'm used to having a T plus MC, so if there's issues with one, I'd have someone else. But if we're going to start working on termination with MC, that will leave just you. I trust you so far, but it's only been 3.5 months...are you there for the long run? Like really there and committed, no matter what? (well, within reason, of course.) But I'm too scared right now to come out and ask that...plus I don't know if I'm in a place where I'd completely trust your reply (see: MC). Like, maybe it's better if you *don't* make promises you don't know you can keep the way he did (like "I won't abandon or reject you").
LT

Oh God why did I tell u that.

Just kill me now

You won’t be able to help me, will you? No one ever will.

I’m gonna stay this miserable all my life.

And I cannot do the only thing that would help because I want you tobe proud of me.

((((((((Demunie))))))))))
*Hugs* stay safe
❤️.

Pdoc,

I've been struggling a lot and wanting to give up lately. I wish we could have and appointment, but I don't have any plans to go home by now. I don't have anything left there.
I've been wanting to message you for a while now, but since you didn't reply to my last 2 emails until I called you, I've been avoiding to contact you because I was afraid you wouldn't reply this time either.
I feel like I've been bothering you and taking too much of your time lately. The last 2 times I called, you spent almost an hour talking to me on the phone.. and then I thought that was like having 2 extra session without paying you for them. I feel guilty and not worth of your time because I'm always stressing and worrying about the same "simple things".
Also, there are certain things we have never talked about because I'm afraid you might invalidate my feelings like my previous therapist did.
This is something that is really bothering me right now and I wish I could open up about it, but I feel so much shame and difficulty to make myself vulnerable again.
I want your help but I'm really having a hard time asking for it

PrevT,

A topic here made me wonder how many emails T would get, she encourages me to email. How many emails does she get? And that made me think about you and how many emails you might get. And what you write back to your stupid clients. Your replies to me used to be so helpful to me. And now... everything is ruined. It hurts. I'm hurt. You've hurt me.

Ex-t, I was awake at 4am feeling crushing guilt and remorse mostly over the raising of my son and h was awake too and asked me what was wrong cuz I was sitting up in bed so I took a deep breath and talked to him, really talked, and he told me all the ways our son is doing so well and said that I've been a great mother to him and I really tried to soak it in you know, and I realized I'd only had like 4 hours of sleep and was probly just tired so we went back to sleep and when we woke up after 8:30 I felt so much better.

I am learning how to trust other people (besides you).

Thank you.

Dear T,
I will not e-mail you again and tell you never mind or apologize. I'm trying to tell myself that you're just busy and haven't seen or had a chance to respond to my e-mail yet. Not that you're angry at me for sending it or want to terminate me or something. I'm not sure of your e-mail/response policy on weekends, so I worry I've crossed a line. But if I did, I didn't know I was doing that... I'm sure you'll at least say something when you have the time. I'll resist the urge to preemptively apologize for something that I may not have even done wrong...See, this shows growth. Hope I'll be able to tell you that on Tuesday...(and that you won't just be going on to me about your boundaries...) Just extra paranoid and struggling because of MC--I hope you realize that and are kind to me, either in a response or when I see you for next session.
LT

Please have an extra time this week