Couch 157: Fair Value

*hugs* teared up, but thankfully didn't start crying on public transport

My mother wanted to give me a birthday hug (eff no!!!) and she insisted even though I put my arm between us, ughhhh. Fortunately no argument though my dad was being a loud <bleep!>

I still can't figure out how some people today (fixed an FB setting yesterday) figured out about my birthday. They're folks who haven't interacted with me in any shape or form in many months / years. And I know my privacy settings are set so only me can see what people post on my timeline.

I'm weird: I only want wishes (though I avoid wishes too since I generally wish I didn't exist) from people who are actually friends (you and capt are! <3), and thankfully most friends understand why the day is hard.

Luckily no one bothered me at home so I cried quietly, SHed for comfort and validation and did my best.

Hmm you posted about your upcoming birthday, didn't you? Maybe they just saw your posts :-)

Hugs. I get the wish about wishes. Also I disabled that people get notified about my birthday but still feel hurt when no one congratulates me. How's that for stupid, lol.

I'm sorry you had to SH, but I'm glad it helped you a little

I can't prohibit him from looking through a window

I can't prohibit him from looking through a window

Oh ****, I'm in trouble at work. Some folder on a network drive had incorrect access permissions set, meaning some people could see confidential data which they shouldn't have. As the "manager" of the network engineers, I'm going to get roasted.

Edit: great... I forgot about folder inheritance

Like what CE said, you can share your fears with T. He notices a new coat because you do matter to him He wouldn't be so observant otherwise

Oh ****, I'm in trouble at work. Some folder on a network drive had incorrect access permissions set, meaning some people could see confidential data which they shouldn't have. As the "manager" of the network engineers, I'm going to get roasted.

Edit: great... I forgot about folder inheritance

But it was an old coat, hehe

Thank you, I never thought of it that way.
I guess you don't care about some stranger walking by? So... there is a chanve that he cares? Why is it so difficult to believe...

Urgs. That sucks. But yeah... Be gentle with yourself, mistakes happen

I'm sorry. As Munie said - mistakes happen.

I feel like I have to be "perfect" all the time, and I guess so do you... But we all are imperfect.

Of course it's difficult to believe when you've been badly treated for so long. I think I spent many many sessions outright doubting my T's care and whether I'm worthy of care.

You're not a stranger to him. He's seen you for quite a while... <3 And you're very worthy of care

I worry that he said "I even think of you with some warmth sometimes"
Like "Of course you're awful, but sometimes..."
Bleh

Ask him to clarify? In the beginning, she wasn't so warm and toned things down a lot, because I couldn't accept her care. So she had to be careful not to be too warm or "too" caring.

Now...though... I recently got super duper hurt because T said it wasn't important to show me how much she cared.

I guess he realized he actually said "I love you", freaked out and decided to "step back"...
I'll ask him, but I'm afraid it will be hurtful. Will he say "I don't love you, I regret I said it"???

Woah, I realised why I'm cranky. The last time my sister initiated contact with me, she wrote a bunch of sweet stuff about wanting to be my friend, wanting us to be close again, saying she hadn't been a good sister.

And it's been exactly 4 months since she last interacted with me.

Hugs... Maybe she's just that kind of person?
I have a male friend, I see him ~once a year and he texts me few times a year... Doesn't reply my messages and so on.
But I know he cares, I know all his sweet words are true.

It makes me sad anyway, tbh. But I try not to blame him.

I don't think he's the sort of person who would say "I love you" (impulsively or not) if he didn't mean it.

I hope it isn't him freaking out, but more of him finding it hard to express the depth of care he has for you. I've definitely downplayed my expressions of care to people, especially if I fear they'll think I'm too warm / they've expressed discomfort about the degree of care I express towards them.

My auto-correct needs to stop suggesting "HR" lol

Earlier he said "I can't use the word "love" with you", so I'm really confused...

*hugs* it seems like there's a taboo on therapists using the word "love".

When I look at it though, a good therapist does offer a kind of platonic love (my opinion only) - deep care for us and our well-being, acceptance of who we are, respect for us, concern for our well-being.

I totally understand a taboo thing... But why say that then? I'm sure it was impulsive and he regrets it

*hugs* I don't know

But it will be okay to ask? He won't get mad at me?