Couch 157: Fair Value

morning couchies!

I woke up crying again this morning. I don't think I'm ever going to feel good again. How am I supposed to do this day in and day out? I feel like such a failure at life. I wish I could talk to my T today and that makes me feel so pathetic that I want to talk to him more than I already do. He's probably glad that I'm not going to come in three times a week anymore. I just want to give up.

About to be the proud owner of this Leonard Bernstein shirt. Cue spontaneous climaxing:
https://www.redbubble.com/people/art...=contrast-tank

SD.... they have Hildegard Von Bingen as well.

Hugs, NP. I'm sure your T wishes you were able to come in as often as you need to...

augh. can't. caaaaaaaaan't.



I feel like I might feel better if I were able to cry. But I haven't cried in... jeez, six months? A year?

Are any of y'all good at making yourself cry? If so, accepting any and all advice pls.

ETA: not to undermine NP's post above--I know crying is often not a good thing for people.

Why do therapists have this idea that they “walk thru this with you”? (Direct Info quote, including the spelling. A triple exclamation point was also involved.)

I think a more accurate description would be “hover like a cloud on the horizon and watch you drag yourself thru this.”

I find it is their pointless psychobabble they created to make themselves feel good and believe they are actually doing something other than sitting there thinking of their grocery list.
The triple exclamation point would tip me over the edge.

Umm......I’ll take the teen spelling and multiple exclamation points if I never hear the phrase “co-create” again.

Not even my high school students use 'thru' - and they don't know their asses from their elephants.

I feel angry about this.

Have you tried sitting alone and writing honestly what you're feeling? Or going into one of the chat rooms and start talking there? Works for me almost every time.

everyone.


A new couch calls for some new pillows:

As pissed as I get at my t from time to time, I do feel like she has "walked beside me" as she says it, as I've gone through this journey of healing and now self-discovery over the past 6 years. I've done some very deep work with her, talked about stuff that I've never spoken of to anyone else, really looked at who am I deep inside, we've stared my shadow in the face together... she's walked beside me as a witness, a compassionate and non-judging (a majority of the time anyway) witness, and sometimes as a guide to keep me moving when I try to stay stuck. When we've had ruptures, she's willing to work through them. She of the fearless questions, doesn't let me leave anything unexamined. Yeah, someone remind me I said all this next time she pisses me off. Heh.

I took my Unit 3 exam a little bit ago, and scored 97.77%. Yay! Now I just have to write my at-least-450-word paper, about what it would be like to live my life without emotion. Why have I put it off until the last minute?? It's due tomorrow....

Congrats, and I could write that essay pretty easily

ok. total duh. i wrote my paper already on 10/29. all done!! now i can relax the rest of the evening!

here's part of what I wrote: "What kind of life would it be? I'm thinking it might be a little bit like watching a football game on television – I couldn't care less about football and it is very boring to me so my mind just drifts away to think about other things. So I think if I had no emotions or feelings, I would be doing a lot of drifting and not be very present at all in my life."

Yeah, I know. Stick to poetry, Art.

@@ can I ask you a question about Atrahasis & Human Creation? Is the Igigi that are created by Annunnakis, they are arent human right because what I understand is later they go Ea says the go to Belti-ili to create man. Right? Are the Igigi lesser gods? Hers the source i have
Atrahasis Epic

Sorry for my english I am but rushed as I the lecturer has opened the submission portal for me as I was taken up the exes stuff?

The Igigi are gods, but lesser gods than the Annunnaki, they’re their servants. They rebel and the Annunnaki create man to deal with agricultural tasks, which had been the Igigi’s job.

Does that help?

I’m catastrophizing about the divorce hearing on Monday.

What if future ex is there?

What if I have to state my address (unknown to him to my knowledge) in open court and then he knows where I live?

What if the judge is an obstructionist jerk?

Sorry to be a downer, Couch.

I reread it and was just about say I think i got it, I dont know why I thougth I miss understood I got 85% in the conprehension quiz. But thanks anyway.

Shall I distract you with inane questions about Ancient Mesopotamia?

Do yu normally have to state your address in court? I have never been in court obviously. Suerly if you speak to the clerk of the court about it or whatever you have over there.

So I have discovered there are judge rating sites on the internet, and the judge in my hearing not only scores poorly from both civilians and lawyers, he repeatedly gets slammed for apparent misogyny. There are enough ratings clearly written by different people that I think there may be something to this.

Yay.

Ugh, I'm sorry....I have no idea on any of these answers. What are the chances he'd be there? I just really hope the judge is not an obstructionist jerk. And I can't see ANY reason why you'd need to say your address out loud? ESPECIALLY if future ex-H is there.


On that note, I feel so so effed up. I don't know how to relate to other human's anymore, unless they are a toddler or my co-worker. I am trying to go back to a sport that I quit in January bc of hurt feelings, but it is SO HARD.

My T has said that if one goes denying their needs for years and years and years, when one exposes itself (as friendship in my case), they feel really huge and unmanagable. That is how I feel.

I don't know how to reconcile the massive anxiety I feel with going back and dealing with other adults on a "peer to peer" relationship, when I feel so effing insignficant and like it matters to absolutely no one that I am back, or if I drop off the face of the earth again. (I had done this sport for about 1.5 years before I quit)

There is one person who has shown me kindness since I came back. I have already lost two friendships to people I thought cared about me before I quit. I was wrong, bc they either didn't actually care about me, or my effing depressing self finally caught up to them, of which I don't blame.

The thing is...I don't know how to relate normally anymore. I either feel like a complete invisible alien amongst these group of women, or I want to spill all my stupid, dark thoughts to this one person who is showing me kindness. The thing is, I did that ALREADY with my two former friends...who eventually dropped me because I am sad as eff., I know this. Except I only know two ways of being: complete isolation or finding someone who apparently cares a SMIDGE about me....and then I turn them away from me because I am a GD leper.

Anybody else feel this way? I can't really talk to my T about this, bc it feels so shameful. Being so needy.

Artie--Didn't want to derail another thread...

but I saw a few things today that made me wonder about your T from your last session. Did she say she was tenative about you leaving?