Couch 157: Fair Value

It's just.... I don't know. She didn't really seem to be hearing me last night... and after I'd told her over the summer that I wanted to terminate this month she'd initially agreed to it but then we had that fight/rupture and I quit via email but felt so terrible I went back to work through it and yes we did some good work since then and I'm so grateful to her overall because I have made so much progress in myself and many very positive changes in my life working with her but dang it, every time I feel strong enough to leave and want to end she'll say things like she doesn't even hear me or we get in some stupid fight. I'm feeling more and more that I'm not going back. That whatever her game is it isn't as innocent as she puts on and I need to get the f out. The reminscing I did last night with her, to me sounded like a goodbye speech, but she didn't hear it that way. Or pretended she didn't. Or something. Anyway.

What did you see? I'm very interested.

Interesting. All I've seen from you since you got past the rupture (did you?) is that you are grateful of what you two have done together, and generally positive. I know that it seems that when you have brought up termination in the past, she may have challenged you a bit?

It all is a bit confusing for me,which is why I was asking for clarification? Did something happen in this past session to make you go back go all of that? Overall, it seemed like everythign went well? I know that sometime in November was your "termination" date, so I am not sure if this week was the day?

Ohhh...and the most pertinent question I didn't ask! What about tonight do you think she didn't hear you?

Yay, PC is up

Mehhhhhhhhhh ️️️

ATAT - I hope the hearing goes better than you expect.

I confuse myself. I just read what I wrote last night and I don't even remember writing the part about "her game". Where on earth did that come from?! Anyway. Is that it, that she challenges me, that might be it.

It's confusing for me too. Nothing happened as such. It was fine except for I came away not feeling as heard as I have gotten used to or something. I don't really know. It was probably just me.

It's pretty much always me...

... i wish like the dickens that i had the right words to explain how i feel

The two satisfying terminations I have had were exactly like that, talking about highlights of therapy, things I have learned, and ways my life is different now. Reminiscing is exactly the right word. It seems odd to me that your T isn't picking up on that as a cue that you're ready to be done. You know better than anybody when you're ready to fly from the nest, so why isn't she joyfully celebrating that with you? It seems a bit... deflating.

Deflating. That's the perfect word. Thank you. Sometimes I think she sees herself in me or something, and I want to say but t I'm not you, I'm me, and it's time for me to go. It's not her fault it just is what it is. I mean she did show her joy and celebrate with me session before last when I told her that my life is finally more interesting than coming there. But then the other evening it was like she'd never heard me say that. Maybe she forgot? (She never forgets though) and said things like "You'll come back after taking a break and there will be more." But here's the thing. I'm happy with what we've accomplished. I've done what I set out to do and then some. A lot more than what I ever dreamed could come out of this whole experience. I think I should write that on a piece of paper and take it with me next week and say it exactly like that.

Thank you for hearing what I didn't know how to say.

"I know it hurts to say goodbye, but it's time for me to fly." Yeah. Good song.

Yeah but youre not asking for anything, right? Just your freedom? My experience with divorce judges in that situation has always been pretty positive.

Me being a sad lonely panda

My tree this year

Well, yeah. Everyone keeps their own stuff, there was no joint property (I did learn something from the first time around). Simplest possible divorce almost, so why even bother with the hearing? Just sign the papers.

(((Velcro))) i think im using the weight watchers website as practice for making friends. Trying to hit that sweet spot of sharing just enough. I did notice when i took an adult ed class recently that i was in a different space. I didnt feel so horribly self conscious, but i didnt feel compelled to participate, either, which was actually a relief. But - yeah im still not actually getting involved. Teeny tiny baby steps.

My certification

That's so awesome jDNA!

All of it is awesome, DNA! Love the tree.

Anyone in my general area want to come drag me to a clinic? I went to bed at 7:30 last night with a fever. I've been sleeping on and off since and I just feel miserable.

Thanks I'm in luv with my tree. I always wanted a white one

Dude, you da man!

Well, I went to the Erotic Transference CPD... it was fairly interesting, nowhere near worth the ridiculous amount of money I paid for it though.

T1 wasn't there, thank f**k. I met some very nice people and had some good discussions - I even told a couple of people that I was there mainly because of my experiences as a client.

I got very emotional at a couple of points hearing (second hand) a case study client's descriptions of his feelings... so relatable.

I miss him.

Ugh.

Hugs... Well done for going

This resonates with me. For me, it's hard to have a normal conversation with someone because there's so much stuff that's been happening in my life but no one knows about it and it's the only thing that I could possibly talk about. We had a team-building thing at work the other day and someone asked me if I had plans for Thanksgiving. I said I didn't have any plans, but I wanted to blurt out "I just sent my husband to prison". I'm glad I didn't. That would have been awkward.

I've also had the experience of being too overwhelming for someone. I met a woman in a DV group. She was about 4 years out of her abusive relationship, but I was smack in the middle of mine. She offered to be a support for me and I opened up to her because I needed that. There was a lot of stuff happening for me almost daily at the time and I would tell her about it. I could see that I was triggering her and that it was distressing for her to hear what I was telling her, but I needed to talk and I did. Eventually, she just disappeared on me. It hurt quite a lot. I felt like a real asshole for telling her the stuff I was telling her. So I get feeling like a leper. It makes you so hesitant to open up to anyone else.

I would talk to your therapist about these feelings. I don't think it's shameful or needy to want people in your life. If I didn't talk about stuff I find shameful in therapy, I'd have nothing to talk about.

I know what you mean. I was actually afraid I'd overshared to quickly with T2 and that he'd reject me--and it's his *job* to listen to people share all that stuff. With friends, it's like I'm both afraid they'll reject me if I share too much, but also feel like I need to share certain things to make sure they'll still accept me. Not sure how much sense that makes. Once, when I was worried I'd overshared with a friend, then was confused when they still wanted to hang out, MC said it was like I was thinking, "You're going to reject me eventually--why don't you just get it over with?" I was like that with dating, too, like "Once they figure out the real me, they'll be out of here." (and that seemed to happen a few times...) But then it didn't feel like a real relationship if I wasn't sharing my true self. I did have a relationship like that in college, but that was drama-filled (he also had MH issues) and ended very painfully. I'm still mystified that my H is still with me after >10 years, after all he knows about me...

I talked a bit about some of the oversharing with friends fears to T2 in an early session, and he was like, "You seem to have this need to share everything with people. Where do you think that comes from?" I said probably from my parents being both secretive and judgmental. Like they would think I shouldn't talk about mental illness to anyone, things like that. So it's like I'm trying to do the opposite. And I want to find people who truly accept me as I am, because then it's like I can trust they won't suddenly bail on me.

Unfortunately, I've had a couple close friends basically bail on me--one (former best friend) I'm still not sure why--we tried to discuss it at one point online, but it got kinda ugly. And another, who I'd been close friends with (and briefly romantically involved with ages ago) for years was extremely judgmental about me after I confided something in him (a mistake I'd made). And that hurt like hell. I assume he still considers me a friend (and would be there if I really needed him), but I'm kind of afraid to talk to him again.

I have a few fairly close real-life friends now (plus some online ones!), but they're all people I've met more recently (like past 5-10 years--which I guess isn't that recently, but I'd been friends with some of the others like 20 years or more). They seem to be quite accepting of me, but I still worry anytime I share something with them.

That was a really long way of saying I get it!