[SarahSweden]

I wonder if anyone else gets the feeling when seeing your therapist that "it is how it is"?

I have several practical problems which are closely connected to unemployment and how unemployed are dealt with and such. That is, the problems are of a societal nature and when telling my therapist about them I get the feeling that "it is how it is" and it´s rather pointless bringing my problems up.

I think for me this has to do with that I know my therapist can´t understand how my life is and of course she can´t do anything practical about unemployment or other societal problems that affect me negatively.

I have already told her that I know she can´t do anything about problems of this kind and that therapy isn´t about just rambling about what doesn´t work.

As I have shared a lot about what happens around my unemployment but at the same time find it pointless to do so I´m now thinking of changing my approach to answer her that "it is how it is" and if nothing else comes up to talk about that is also how it is.

Has anybody felt like this and used answers like "it is how it is" or similar when your therapist asks you things like "how has your week been" and similar?

[kecanoe]

It would depend on how I said it. I sometimes use phrases that T1 uses a lot with kind of a sly look and he knows that I am sort of poking fun at him. He laughs. If I said it seriously, he would ask if I felt angry.

If you are unsatisfied with talking about your unemployment, and thing that your T has nothing to offer there, what do you want to talk about? For me, talking about unemployment might be a way that I gauge T's response to see if they are trustworthy and safe before I got to topics that feel more scary to talk about. It has sometimes helped me to try to figure out what it is that I haven't felt safe enough to share.

[here today]

I think the "it is how it is" could be a useful response. It seems like answering your T's question as honestly as you can hasn't been helpful so far. Since you don't have a lot of choice about the therapist you see, and do need to see one for your unemployment benefits to continue, it seems like there is some "burden" on the therapist to steer things in what might eventually be a helpful direction. At least until maybe you all can come up with something together. Even if there is a tint of sarcasm and anger in that response, that is how it is, too. At least it's something different. Not likely the therapist could toss you out for non-compliance or something just for that. Maybe it will lead to a productive discussion, maybe not.

Please let us know how it goes if you try it.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. I agree unemployment is a rather "safe" subject to talk about, perhaps not too emotional but more on a practical level. It´s not about me not wanting to talk about unemployment, it´s about what response I get to bringing such a subject up.

As I feel there´s no real point in telling her as my problems continue being my problems and she doesn´t engage that much in what I tell her I feel it´s better just answering "it is how it is". At least I don´t risk anything and end up disappointed when she can´t engage in what I tell her in a way I expect her to do.

I think it has do to with that she also wants to dig deeper into problems, which I want as well, but she misses to engage in those practical problems on a more emotional level.

As I no longer see therapy as I way to a lot of change in life I see her more because just having someone to meet with and to talk to for an hour.

Originally Posted by kecanoe

It would depend on how I said it. I sometimes use phrases that T1 uses a lot with kind of a sly look and he knows that I am sort of poking fun at him. He laughs. If I said it seriously, he would ask if I felt angry.

If you are unsatisfied with talking about your unemployment, and thing that your T has nothing to offer there, what do you want to talk about? For me, talking about unemployment might be a way that I gauge T's response to see if they are trustworthy and safe before I got to topics that feel more scary to talk about. It has sometimes helped me to try to figure out what it is that I haven't felt safe enough to share.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. I don´t see this therapist specifically because of my unemployment or to solve things around that but unemployment is a common subject as I face many challenges and disappointments around that.

I agree saying this "it is how it is" can sound angry but I plan to say it in a more despondent tone and to follow up with something like "nothing much to do about it".

Thanks for the comment about that she won´t have any reasons to just toss me out because of this, that´s a very important aspect I think. I mean, I wouldn´t say something that risked further contact. At the same time it´s tiresome just reporting about the week or latest events and then when I leave I don´t feel any relief.

As you say this may perhaps result in something new happening in our sessions and if not I haven´t put a lot of energy into telling her about things and not getting enough feedback.

Originally Posted by here today

I think the "it is how it is" could be a useful response. It seems like answering your T's question as honestly as you can hasn't been helpful so far. Since you don't have a lot of choice about the therapist you see, and do need to see one for your unemployment benefits to continue, it seems like there is some "burden" on the therapist to steer things in what might eventually be a helpful direction. At least until maybe you all can come up with something together. Even if there is a tint of sarcasm and anger in that response, that is how it is, too. At least it's something different. Not likely the therapist could toss you out for non-compliance or something just for that. Maybe it will lead to a productive discussion, maybe not.

Please let us know how it goes if you try it.

[nottrustin]

I frequently say "It is what it is"

[SarahSweden]

Interesting. How does your therapist react to that? Does he/she comment about it?

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I frequently say "It is what it is"

[Yellowbuggy]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

I have several practical problems which are closely connected to unemployment and how unemployed are dealt with and such. That is, the problems are of a societal nature and when telling my therapist about them I get the feeling that "it is how it is" and it´s rather pointless bringing my problems up.

You shared before that you are not interested in doing certain things that may help improve your situation (volunteering, etc). Could it be perhaps that she is unwilling to work harder than you are at achieving your goals?

[SarahSweden]

No, this has nothing to do with what I do or don´t do, it´s about how my therapist engages in what I tell her and what support she gives me on an emotional level.

Originally Posted by Yellowbuggy

You shared before that you are not interested in doing certain things that may help improve your situation (volunteering, etc). Could it be perhaps that she is unwilling to work harder than you are at achieving your goals?

[Yellowbuggy]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

No, this has nothing to do with what I do or don´t do, it´s about how my therapist engages in what I tell her and what support she gives me on an emotional level.

I misunderstood your original post. I thought your T was saying "it is what it is", not you. My mistake.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Interesting. How does your therapist react to that? Does he/she comment about it?

She will ask why. We will explore the situation. When I say it she knows it is because we are dealing with something I am unable to change at the present moment. So we discuss how I am am handle g the situation emotionally.

[peaches100]

Hi Sarahsweden,

It might be more productive to let your t know what sort of response you are looking for. Rather than say "It is what it is; nothing much I can do about it" in a despondent tone and hope that your t picks up on your despondency by providing a more helpful answer, could you say something like this:

"Simply reporting my week doesn't feel productive to me. Would you be willing to...? (help me find ways to resolve my unemployment problem / help me accept the situation if it can't be changed / provide the emotional support I need)?

[coolibrarian]

My T has, on occasion, said, "That's life" when I've related several annoying and/or horrible things that happened to me between sessions. Just one thing after another, some hard stuff I'd had to deal with, things that stressed me out, etc. I think she is rarely exasperated but when she is, she has said that. Once I remember her being quite short with me, although I don't remember what words she said. I got very quiet after that. Later that evening, she sent me an email to apologize, explaining why she was in a bad mood, etc. I felt better about it after that.

[Sarmas]

I’ve felt that way and I agree that certain situations a T can’t change. He orshe can help you view things differently or perhaps some might offer alternatives or suggestions. My T was a big believer in making changes. That’s a great thing and positive thinking is always a plus. However, there are certain situations that just exist and not much can be done. We don’t quite see eye to eye on such topics but that’s also because certain situations you really need to experience in order to understand.

Ts can try to help with how you react due to your circumstance and offer coping methods but to actually “fix” certain issues is not feasible.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, we kind of tounched this subject about what I want her to say or do when I tell her about practical problems as unemployment. I said I wanted her to listen but also give me some insights and did deeper into such problems. That is, not just stating how things are but to analyse them a bit and to show she understands.

But as I´m not a therapist myself I can´t tell her exactly what I mean by support, it´s up to the therapist to know such things and to be able to try different methods.

Last time we ended up in a kind of exercise about words that identify me, not what I mean about "looking deeper into things". By that I got this "it is how it is" feeling as she picked just some random exercise as part of her therapy method instead of going deeper into what I actually told her about my unemployment situation.

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Sarahsweden,

It might be more productive to let your t know what sort of response you are looking for. Rather than say "It is what it is; nothing much I can do about it" in a despondent tone and hope that your t picks up on your despondency by providing a more helpful answer, could you say something like this:

"Simply reporting my week doesn't feel productive to me. Would you be willing to...? (help me find ways to resolve my unemployment problem / help me accept the situation if it can't be changed / provide the emotional support I need)?

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, I agree therapists aren´t there to fix things in the client´s life but there´s a big difference between feeling that I just report things to my therapist or if telling her things actually feels like she understands.

My current therapist wants me to tell her if something doesn´t feel right and that´s a good thing. She also asks me how I want to be met and that´s not a good thing as this means she doesn´t know how to respond in a proper way nor that she knows different ways of responding to me.

I can´t both be the one with issues to talk about and also give her guidance in how to answer to what I tell her. She should have so much experience that she can try different approaches, some clients want advice, some just want to be listened to and so forth.

Originally Posted by Sarmas

I’ve felt that way and I agree that certain situations a T can’t change. He orshe can help you view things differently or perhaps some might offer alternatives or suggestions. My T was a big believer in making changes. That’s a great thing and positive thinking is always a plus. However, there are certain situations that just exist and not much can be done. We don’t quite see eye to eye on such topics but that’s also because certain situations you really need to experience in order to understand.

Ts can try to help with how you react due to your circumstance and offer coping methods but to actually “fix” certain issues is not feasible.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks. Yes, I agree therapists aren´t there to fix things in the client´s life but there´s a big difference between feeling that I just report things to my therapist or if telling her things actually feels like she understands.

My current therapist wants me to tell her if something doesn´t feel right and that´s a good thing. She also asks me how I want to be met and that´s not a good thing as this means she doesn´t know how to respond in a proper way nor that she knows different ways of responding to me.

I can´t both be the one with issues to talk about and also give her guidance in how to answer to what I tell her. She should have so much experience that she can try different approaches, some clients want advice, some just want to be listened to and so forth.

I understand what you’re saying. I wonder why your T would like to also give her “guidance”. My T wanted me to tell her the issue but she also expected me to come up with the solution in a way. She said otherwise she’s doing all of the work. She wanted me to I guess “find” the answer. I could never figure that out. That’s why I was going to get. I’m wondering if your T really needs the guidance or is she trying to get you to do “the work”.

I told her that if I’m hoing there and I’m figuring things out on my own the. What’s the point of going there and paying her. That’s my reasoning.

[Amyjay]

What I hear you saying is that when you tell the therapist things you want to be able to feel like she understands you and your situation. You would like more feedback and more support (advice?) about what is going on for you and ways to move forward.
But what I hear you planning is to tell your therapist something that you don't really feel, or are not really at peace with. I use the phrase "it is what it is" quite a lot in my therapy because there are things that I am truly accepting of. I may not like them, or I may want something different that what actually is, but I understand that for whatever reason it really is just how it is for that moment and nothing can be done to change it right there and then. For me it truly is a statement of acceptance. that is how I say it and that is how my therapist understands it (as far as I can tell).
So I am struggling to understand how planning to say those specific words in a very specific tone to convey a very specific message (which will be open to gross misinterpretation) will help you. You have very clearly articulated what you don't want and what you do want in this thread. What would happen if you were able to tell her what you have said here?
The thing is you want to feel understood and you want her to offer more support and advice, and the fastest most sure way of helping her to understand you is by telling her directly. Planning to say a specific phase in a despondent manner in the hope that she will be able to figure out what you want is a crapshoot.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, I think this depends a bit on what kind of therapy you´re in. My therapy isn´t focused on homework, finding solutions (perhaps yours isn´t either) and my therapist asks more about how I want her to meet me than if she´s going to offer some solutions or tips about my problems or not.

I think it´s impossible for the client to tell a therapist how he or she should act to be helpful. One can give some direction but then it´s up to the therapist to be able to adapt to the client without having the client to tell them what to do, that´s not our job to do that.

Originally Posted by Sarmas

I understand what you’re saying. I wonder why your T would like to also give her “guidance”. My T wanted me to tell her the issue but she also expected me to come up with the solution in a way. She said otherwise she’s doing all of the work. She wanted me to I guess “find” the answer. I could never figure that out. That’s why I was going to get. I’m wondering if your T really needs the guidance or is she trying to get you to do “the work”.

I told her that if I’m hoing there and I’m figuring things out on my own the. What’s the point of going there and paying her. That’s my reasoning.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, I want more support from her but I can´t tell her how to give me that or exactly how she is going to respond to me when I tell her things. It feels a bit like she wants me to tell her how she is going to support me and that´s impossible as it´s her who should know about therapeutic techniques and be able to feel the situation, not me.

I understand how you mean about the expression "it is how it is" and that it can mean many things and to me it´s more of an expression for not feeling that it´s of so much use telling her about my problems. I get the feeling that she thinks altering things "within me" is a solution, which it can be but there also has to be a deeper understanding beneath things like unemployment, worrying about the future and such. The solution isn´t just talking about how to look upon things differently or similar like this therapist seems wanting to do.

I could tell her what I wrote in this thread but in a way I don´t wan´t to critizise too much and I still don´t have an answer to how she should respond to things I tell her, it´s her who should know how to be supportive.

Originally Posted by Amyjay

What I hear you saying is that when you tell the therapist things you want to be able to feel like she understands you and your situation. You would like more feedback and more support (advice?) about what is going on for you and ways to move forward.
But what I hear you planning is to tell your therapist something that you don't really feel, or are not really at peace with. I use the phrase "it is what it is" quite a lot in my therapy because there are things that I am truly accepting of. I may not like them, or I may want something different that what actually is, but I understand that for whatever reason it really is just how it is for that moment and nothing can be done to change it right there and then. For me it truly is a statement of acceptance. that is how I say it and that is how my therapist understands it (as far as I can tell).
So I am struggling to understand how planning to say those specific words in a very specific tone to convey a very specific message (which will be open to gross misinterpretation) will help you. You have very clearly articulated what you don't want and what you do want in this thread. What would happen if you were able to tell her what you have said here?
The thing is you want to feel understood and you want her to offer more support and advice, and the fastest most sure way of helping her to understand you is by telling her directly. Planning to say a specific phase in a despondent manner in the hope that she will be able to figure out what you want is a crapshoot.