Session update

I was so happy to go to yesterday's session. I shared with T some personal thoughts regarding our therapeutic relationship and how I hold on to the connection I have to him.

I told him that I felt my attachment to him is healthier now and gave him some reasons why I felt that way. I also told him some feelings I have toward him like how funny he is and easy to talk to etc. He's a fun T and I can see that I need someone like him as a partner. My husband is quite the opposite of me since I am similar to T in personality.

Then it happened. He said 'you are appreciating the boundaries of our therapeutic relationship'... there it is that word "boundaries"...he knows this is a trigger word for me. I'm sure that is why he said it.

He then went into what happens when therapy boundaries are fuzzy and I got the whole 'gee I wish we could just sit here and chat but then this is no longer a therapeutic relationship'...

Here I am sharing personal thoughts and feelings that were so hard for me to share.

Why couldn't he just say whether he also feels the same connection I do? I wanted a meaningful special session like a few weeks ago when he said that he's here for me and I have him for support.

I've been down this road before and should know by now not to share my feelings. I'll remember that next time

oooh, I've been waiting for this post. You've come such a long way from not being able to deal with your relationship with him in the here-and-now.

In regards to your T stating that he feels the connection too-- I can't empathize with you enough. With my T disclosing the reciprocity of connection more than one time within the last couple of sessions (and I was afraid of this)-- now if he doesn't... things sort of fall apart.

Just be careful (I'm going into therapist mode here) when you state that you want him to say whether he has the "same" connection as you do. I know you probably wrote that unconciously, but I picked up on it because it's something that I have been thinking a lot about lately... and it's hard to come to terms with. I am starting to accept the fact that my T does feel a connection with me. I am working on finding out exactly what type of connection that is. However, I know it's not the "same" connection that I feel for him. It can't be. And that hurts like hell. But I think it's the 1st step towards a healthy attachment and connection... to realize that even though the connections can be reciprocal in the therapeutic relationship, they are individual as well. This is not a reason for you to think you should stop sharing your feelings. He shared his connection with you. That is not going to go away, even if it doesn't state it every week.

Anyway, sorry for getting all psychoanalytic on you. Just something to think about.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
oooh, I've been waiting for this post. You've come such a long way from not being able to deal with your relationship with him in the here-and-now.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Do you mean that you thought I was okay in this area? or are you thinking like I am that I was pushing this work off and it smacked me in the face last night and now today?

This is why I've avoided this topic with him. When will I learn. I am in major depression at the moment and at lunch, I went on a shopping spree. This isn't his fault, it's mine.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
In regards to your T stating that he feels the connection too-- I can't empathize with you enough. With my T disclosing the reciprocity of connection more than one time within the last couple of sessions (and I was afraid of this)-- now if he doesn't... things sort of fall apart.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I need for him to do this and have thanked him when he does. Here is what I would've like to hear: "it means a lot to me that you were able to share all of this with me". He said something about that's a nice thought or something like that.

As if it didn't involve him at all. Well, it does involve him. It is his help, love and support that has gotten me to where I thought I was. I do not mean romantic love here. I mean good friend kind of love.

He said something like this to me once way way back in the beginning and I recall those words fondly.

This was so hard for me to do. It was a huge step and now I'm embarrassed I even went there.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
Just be careful (I'm going into therapist mode here) when you state that you want him to say whether he has the "same" connection as you do. I know you probably wrote that unconciously, but I picked up on it because it's something that I have been thinking a lot about lately... and it's hard to come to terms with.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes you are right, I didn't mean the same connection, I just meant what we've talked about before. I feel like he really gets me but last night, I felt like we took major steps backwards. Major.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
But I think it's the 1st step towards a healthy attachment and connection... to realize that even though the connections can be reciprocal in the therapeutic relationship, they are individual as well.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is why I think he said what he did last night. I'm thinking I'm okay and he was testing that theory. Guess I failed...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
This is not a reason for you to think you should stop sharing your feelings. He shared his connection with you. That is not going to go away, even if it doesn't state it every week.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think I'll table the feelings piece for a long while now. I know that is a bad attitude but I can't see the insight in all of this right now. I just can't do it.

Daniel Stern would say your therapist missed a "now" moment in therapy that can never be recovered. I need to dig up some article on that for you.

I'll get on my soap box now. You did absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, any statement of the truth of your feelings is your job and exactly what you must do. I commend your bravery! This is my opinion on what happned on his end: He was misattuned and acted on his feelings of countertransference. Perhaps he felt he was too "encouraging" last time, or perhaps he was momentarily worried when you mentioned qualities of a partner. Whatever the reasons, those are his issues. To deal with them, he resorted, consciously or not, to using "boundaries" which he knew would trigger you. The shame of it was that he did not stay present with you and acknowledge how difficult it would be for you to share such things. Further, he didn't encourage it as it was such an important step and such an act of therapeutic progress. I am sorry that his reaction thwarted that. Therapy should be a safe place for practicing expressing such deep important things and having them met sensitively. You should have had a soft, empathetic landing. It should have deepened your connection and attachment and work. There was so much there he could explore with you, to find out where those feelings come from, how you could use them in other relationships, etc. Instead, he made you shut down and shamed you. I think this happens a lot with therapists who don't have a handle on their own internal feelings and who struggle with being the object of their clients' attachments.

I hope you can tell him how he made you feel. I know that would be hard. I would have had the same reaction you had. I've read a lot of articles about this kind of misattunement. Can I send some to him?

Do not take this on as your fault. Throw it back in his lap where it belongs. I have often asked my T how he would feel if he were in my shoes when he has said something totally asinine. I would tell him you are well aware of the boundaries of the relationship and are not in need of a lecture on that. However, you are in need of reassurance that being connected and attached is acceptable to him.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
almeda24fan said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
oooh, I've been waiting for this post. You've come such a long way from not being able to deal with your relationship with him in the here-and-now.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Do you mean that you thought I was okay in this area? or are you thinking like I am that I was pushing this work off and it smacked me in the face last night and now today?


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I meant that I was proud of you because I remember how much you were struggling with talking to your T about your relationship with your T.

Caramee, you said exactly how I am feeling right now. I just can't stop crying for some stupid reason. I thought he and I were past all the boundaries discussions. I thought that he was finally seeing the real me behind the labels.

I was feeling so much better and thought maybe I could start reducing sessions soon. I feel like I'm back at ground zero.

Maybe it did scare him that I compared him to a partner but I certainly didn't mean him... I also said other names along with his who have similar personalities.

One was his assistant, who I would never think of in any other way than friendship. He's a funny guy ya know. He makes me laugh and god forbid I do that.

T also said yesterday that his assistant needs to be careful because he jokes with everyone like that even people he doesn't know. So he was trying, I guess, to let me know that there is nothing special about me.

You're right it can't be recovered. I am very very hurt. I feel like a patient now who had no right to her own feelings about someone who was helping her so much.

I don't think I'll have an issue telling him this next session. I just hope I don't cry.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
almeda24fan said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
oooh, I've been waiting for this post. You've come such a long way from not being able to deal with your relationship with him in the here-and-now.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Do you mean that you thought I was okay in this area? or are you thinking like I am that I was pushing this work off and it smacked me in the face last night and now today?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
I meant that I was proud of you because I remember how much you were struggling with talking to your T about your relationship with your T.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm glad you are proud of me. It would've been nice to hear than from him though. I just don't see me ever going there again. I never thought he would be so blank about it. I even said I felt safe enough to 'go there'...I feel stupid now.

I don't think it will be long before he terminates me now...if Caramee is right I could see him doing that. I never thought I would ever say that either.

what I mean by not 'going there' I mean emotionally not to his office. He'll tell me goodbye way before I ever think about it.

I highly doubt he will terminate you, though I understand why you feel so unsteady. I found a little blurb about the "now" moment:

A now moment can get highly lit up, emotionally charged and suddenly everything hangs in the balance. Nothing else is happening except the present moment, these are extreme now moments. The therapist is completely thrown off his horse and doesn’t know what to do, anxiety rises. Most run and hide in technique, say something inadequate to cut the tension. You can’t pretend there isn’t a specific situation at hand. Such a now moment perturbs the intersubjective state. There needs to be a resolution, it will determine the outcome. The most successful will be a moment of meeting. The need is to bypass technique and go into something truly authentic. There needs to be a free moving along, it is not about power. Moments of meeting can change people. Making the unconscious conscious doesn’t help people. The only thing that helps is working through the nature of their relationship with
the therapist. A moment of meeting kicks the intersubjective to another level. There are many mini moments in the now. The relationship is progressively changing in small jumps. Movement is primary, words are secondary. It is a very special micro voyage where two people take the same emotional trip together. It can be shown in a physical act, it can be through voice, a vocal tone. These moments can change our lives. <font color="#880000"> </font>

Almeda,

I am so sorry this happened between you and T. It is always a fear of mine that T will misinterpret something I say about my feelings in the moment, and I will feel rejected.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
T also said yesterday that his assistant needs to be careful because he jokes with everyone like that even people he doesn't know. So he was trying, I guess, to let me know that there is nothing special about me.

You're right it can't be recovered. I am very very hurt. I feel like a patient now who had no right to her own feelings about someone who was helping her so much.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You have every right to your feelings. It sure does sound like you rocked him and he wasn't able to bite his tongue before he acted on his countertransference. But, there have been times when I have misinterpreted T's remarks, so please discuss this next session. And if you cry, screw it, he deserves to see what his careless remarks have done to you. I do hope you two can work this through, though. Rupture, repair, rupture, repair.....I think that's how it's supposed to go.

Good luck and take gentle care.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Caramee said:

A now moment can get highly lit up, emotionally charged and suddenly everything hangs in the balance. Nothing else is happening except the present moment, these are extreme now moments. The therapist is completely thrown off his horse and doesn’t know what to do, anxiety rises. Most run and hide in technique, say something inadequate to cut the tension. You can’t pretend there isn’t a specific situation at hand. Such a now moment perturbs the intersubjective state. There needs to be a resolution, it will determine the outcome. The most successful will be a moment of meeting. The need is to bypass technique and go into something truly authentic. There needs to be a free moving along, it is not about power. Moments of meeting can change people. Making the unconscious conscious doesn’t help people. The only thing that helps is working through the nature of their relationship with
the therapist. A moment of meeting kicks the intersubjective to another level. There are many mini moments in the now. The relationship is progressively changing in small jumps. Movement is primary, words are secondary. It is a very special micro voyage where two people take the same emotional trip together. It can be shown in a physical act, it can be through voice, a vocal tone. These moments can change our lives. <font color="#880000"> </font>

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Wow Caramee, this is so deep. I'm going to copy and paste this and save it. I am doing a scrapbook of my therapy journey and this is perfect for one of my pages.

The thing is, I can't stay mad at him for long. He missed the moment that is true and it hurt me. I just need to remember the comments he has made in the past. I struggle sometimes with whether he meant them or not but I do that with everyone.

I will talk with him about this on Tuesday but not in the mood I've been in the past few days. I'm determined to face these fears of mine. I just needed to clear my head a bit.

Thank you so much for your support.

Hi Sister, I have a hard time with what I take wrong and what I should be upset about.

I won't know this unless I talk to him about it. I am glad now that I shared my feelings with him. He means the world to me and I wanted him to know that.

He could have given up on me so many times. He could have referred me out when things got weird. He didn't though. Everyone else has in my life. So he makes mistakes, I'm sure his heart is in the right place.

I've made mistakes in session. It would be good for me if he would say that he makes a mistake or two with me. He hasn't said that ever. It makes me feel like all of this emotional hurt is my fault. I guess I should tell him that. But how?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I guess I should tell him that. But how?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

well, why don't you just begin the session by saying something like "Remember last week when I was telling you about qualities in people that i was attracted to? Well, you responded by saying, blah blah blah." "When you said that it made me feel that I was being rejected or chastised, or blah blah blah [however you felt]" "I think that you thought I was stating a personal attraction to you/secretary but I was just trying to let you know how I felt in the moment." "I have been really upset all week and hope we can work through this."

Or something along those lines. Another thing you can do is write him a letter and mail it so it gets there before you do. I did that once and it turned out to be a really helpful way of working through a relationship difficulty I was having with T. In fact, it was something similar when I needed support from him and he didn't give it, but responded in a way that made me feel bad. Boy, I really let him have it.

When is your next session?

On Tuesday. It wasn't just that comment it was mainly that I shared something else that is really personal and related to him and how I feel about him.

I thought when I shared that feeling and story that it would show his impact on me. I got an impact but not the one that I was hoping for.

I shouldn't talk about this anymore today. I can feel myself slipping again into being sad...this isn't your fault at all so don't think it is...luv you gals

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
almeda24fan said:
I shouldn't talk about this anymore today. I can feel myself slipping again into being sad...this isn't your fault at all so don't think it is...luv you gals

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

It isn't your fault either. Take good care of yourself. I hope he makes it better Tues. because he has the power to do that. I'm so sorry you're sad

almedafan, there have been such good responses. I'll just add some ((((hugs)))).

I felt what you wrote you told your T was very non-threatening and it was a therapeutic mistake for him to launch into his rote speech on boundaries. Because I think you're past that and have heard it before. Caramee's posts seemed right on to me. Your T missed a now moment. When I have said things to my T about how much he has helped me or similar, he has sometimes responded by simply saying, "thank you," while giving me his warmest look. It takes grace to accept thanks, appreciation, complements, etc. Your T's grace was nowhere to be seen last time.

Hang in there, almedafan.

Just be honest with him about how that made you feel. For example, there have been times in which I felt like my Ts empathy was the time of empathy that comes out of a psychology book when you're 1st learning to be a therapist. You know, like you say, "My depression is immobilizing." And then you're T says, "Wow. That must be really difficult." When my T has missed a here-and-now moment it has torn me up... the best thing I could have done was tell him the next time how it made me feel. His response was surprising... He told me, "I think you are right, I should have gone about it a different way, etc." I have become more comfortable with confronting my T when disconnect occurs. He will now tell me, "I felt that disconnection, too. I knew we were not on the same page." On Tuesday, let your T know you guys were not on the same page.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm feeling much better about all of this today.

I do think we disconnected at the wrong time for me and I'll tell him my thoughts about that. I'd like to hear his thoughts too.

Part of the reason he went into a boundary discussion is because I said that I've turned my attachment to him into something healthier. I don't call between sessions anymore, fax him long letters hoping for a response etc.

I do still send, on occasion, a joke or like a few days ago, I sent him a link that referenced the place I was telling him about. I don't expect responses anymore and I try very hard not to do that too much.

He then said "I am respecting the therapeutic boundaries" and then I got upset a bit over the word and told him so. Then he went into the discussion. He does know that is a trigger word for me though.

But as I sit here this morning, I have some different thoughts. Hopefully, they won't change by noon, but one never knows.

I do respect him more for keeping his boundaries with me. He said if he didn't, I would lose respect for him and he's right. I still like his style and hope he keeps it going. I like to chat once in awhile. It helps me relax and makes me feel like he cares.

He told me a long time ago that our relationship would be a safe place for me. I feel that it is a safe place and that is why I told him what I did. I meant every word of it.

I think my expectations of his response may have been too high. My husband often says that I look for exact responses when talking about feelings like that. If I don't get it, then I start obsessing about it and telling the other person they don't love me or care etc.

If my husband knows this about me, then so does my T. Perhaps my T incorporates this into our sessions. I don't know. But I still will talk about how I felt for the past few days.

Maybe there will be more insight to this then I am aware of.