Couch 160: The Squeaky Clean Couch!

I had one parent who was a yeller and one who was not. I learned not to react at all from the one who yelled. I can sit and not react outwardly emotionally to almost anything. I would eventually lose but not until I had made the parent insane trying to get me to react. The one who yelled was not my father.

I do that, even when I think I sound pathetic. It actually helps me feel less pathetic. I don't worry about sounding angry-if I am mad I figure I have reason to be mad.

Yeah, H has said his father was a yeller, and his father before him. Yet somehow this was never further pursued in marriage counseling, even though he admitted it in there (including the punching a wall thing a year and a half ago). Apparently it was all just on me in there, not H. I was the needy one with all the issues, he was just a regular guy...or something.

Why do I sometimes get the impression that you were born to be a lawyer?

It does come in quite handy in my profession. That and a natural inclination to argue over detail.

I think that is the problem with marriage counseling honestly.. it’s a relationship and what somebody finds as a problem in a relationship and what another person finds is different. Which means I’m counseling three different people all have different ideas of what should be talked about and worked out. That is one of the reasons h and I did not last in marriage counseling. Well, that and our marriage has been doomed since day one.

I put all the details in the "in session" thread, but short version. I decided to take a break from T3, she called me, told me she wants to do things my way.

The teenage part that called the break is dusting off her knuckles and feeling smart. The two year old part thinks she pitched a fit and got what she wants. The adult is just mystified. If I had known that would make T3 switch things back, I'd have done it months ago.

Yes, I think that's better.

I really like your signature

hey, you are kiwi too

That's a good rule.

Hmmm. That's a tough one. Ok, I give up. Who was it?

That I am.

I am so glad I am not the only one that goes through these layers around events like this. Happy that we get what we want and a bit guilty about what we did to get what we want. And sometimes wondering what else we can get using that technique. I think it is good to recognize the many internal motivations of what we might be doing, at some point though I think we have to think of some of them as not "pitched a fit" but as being assertive with our needs/wants - which is ok.

Thanks. And yes on the assertiveness. I think it was adult me being assertive who actually made the decision to take a break. These days I do my best to listen to her. The other stuff was just going on in the background.

You are lucky. Mine says she doesn't want to argue about approach and told me that she is not a good choice for me if I disagree with her idea of what's going on with me. I thought she meant she would not see me, so I said I would not be back and that it is devastating to me. She said she is not saying not to come back, so I asked if I still have my appointment for tomorrow and she did not reply. I have no idea where things stand. It is a horrible place to be.

Wow sorry Ruh Roh. That's so opposed to Irvin Yalom's idea of creating a new therapy for each client (which sounds a bit over-theatrical, but I understand it to mean, adapt to your clients, don't expect them to adapt to you).

Urgs, I'm sorry ruh roh. This sounds awful. Feel hugged if you want.

My parents would start hitting if you didn't respond to yelling.

Sounds like a unhealthy dynamic where you're frequently being pathologised. You as the "identified patient" (scapegoat!) in your marriage.

I'm sorry that your T is being inflexible, ruh roh. :/ Ts ought to adapt to each client's needs :/

She said at one point I was free to ignore how she wants to do things but that based on the past, it won't have good results. She wished me well and said she hopes I find what I need and want. And then the next message was that she was not telling me not to come in, so I asked to keep my appointment and did not hear back. I am very confused and disheartened.

Ugh that sounds awful. Could you phone her to have a real-time conversation so that there's less scope for misinterpretation?

I thought of that yesterday, but in the past she has said she does not like that medium. Besides, it was Sunday and I thought I just needed to know about Tuesday and we could sort it out in person. Maybe I will hear back today. I just don't know what her response will be.

I am so sorry, RR. I hope she gets back to you soon and that things improve.