Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

You keep using all kind of synonyms, but not the word "love".
I was right, you freaked out after actually saying "I love you".

You don't love me. It's okay

You said ILY to your T? I been debating that for a while but I'm too freaked out. That was very brave of you, even though I'd probably be feeling the same as you with that sort of reaction

Yes, I did...
But here I was talking about him. He said "I love you" once. And now I think he regrets it.

Eta: When I said "I love you", he handled it very good

I would have thought talking to you on the phone (about scheduling) this morning would have eased my missing you, but nope. I miss you so much it hurts.

Ugh blug

I don't understand myself. I've fallen out of love with psychotherapy, and out of some crucial belief in you. It is like a magic potion wore off. I've been sticking it out, trying to some how buy in again. You don't seem to recognize any of this.

this hurts.

Dear T,
Nervous to talk about some of the stuff that bothered me from last session. Please be cool about it, OK? Don't get all defensive... (In other words, don't be like MC...) I'm trying to be constructive and help our relationship going forward. Not destructive. I want this to work...
LT

Hi R,

I'm feeling stronger after our session today. I hope that will translate into a better night.

See you next Thursday...

Dear T,
Well, you seemed fairly open to receiving my feedback, which is good. Then...you had to look at your phone (which I'd just been talking about in relation to MC)...and you told me the reason you had to look is that your wife is sick. I asked, "The flu?" and you said you didn't know. Why would you tell me that your wife was sick (without saying was something minor, knowing the stuff I dealt with regarding MC's wife???

And then there was the end of the session, about the attachment...I feel like you think I'm some therapy carnival freak or something..."The girl who gets attached and thinks about her relationship with the T more than any other client does and 'more than is healthy,' all in under 5 months." I'm struggling with that and wondering if you're the right T to treat me right now...you're just seeming a bit clueless lately...I like you...but maybe I need someone else? I dunno...
LT

Please tell me this is NOT what he said....
I will have to throat punch him if this is what he said

no, i have a feeling that is LT's projection of what she thinks he thinks...which i am not sure I think he does.

He didn't say that exact quote. But he said he believes I think about the relationship with him more than any of his other clients. And that I think about him more than is good for me, more than is healthy...

Does he still deserve a throat punch? And this was like in the last 10 minutes of session of course...(yeah, he got an e-mail...)

no i don' think so, and maybe he is just pointing it out? I mean you have been honest with him since the beginning, and don't you agree with that point?

It wasn't too far off, sadly...and he apparently thought I'd only been seeing him 3 months and was asking me how long it took me to get attached to ex-T and MC. I said longer, but that now I'm also more tuned in to the signs of attachment. Plus, since I'm detaching from MC, I'm likely more primed for attachment. He said, "Like a rebound?" I said, "I guess, sort of?"

He just seems somewhat puzzled by my attachment...when the main reason I came to him was to address attachment issues with MC! How could he not expect this?

Well, of course I have no idea how his other clients are with him (I suspect the sport psychology ones aren't overly attached--I imagine they're shorter term). But as I said in e-mail to him...some of his clients might think about him just as much, but they just don't tell him. I've learned through MC and ex-T that it's better to discuss the relationship, but I haven't always been that way.

I did say I think about him less than I used to think about MC, and he said, "Well, that's a low bar to cross!"

how does he seem puzzled? i know he said he doesn't normally do psychodynamic therapy...what is his main focus? sports psychology? If so, i can see how this is new and different for him.

He just seems puzzled that I'm attached to him this quickly and think about/talk about the relationship so much. His main focus was originally teens and young adults, plus marriage counseling, then he got sport psychology certified a few years ago, I think? So I would think working a bunch with teens...I mean, they get attached, right?

Basically, his specialties are everything other than me, but he has experience with regular adult psychology, too! He has a PhD.

Dear T,
You're making me very nervous by saying you don't feel comfortable replying to this over e-mail...hope it works out to see you tomorrow or Thursday.
LT

What is it with therapists not understanding transference and attachment? Is this not therapy 101?

T says "I'm not psychodynamically trained." But he's been in practice for like 15 years and focuses in part on teens and young adults, so...he has to have dealt with that!

Oh LT I’m really sorry. This t really seemed to “get it” for a time. Maybe he still does but is having an off day? Reading a lot about this on PC lately. Therapists of all stripes need more training on this.

Even kashi probably should be more careful.

He gets a death glare.

I was thinking more of a facepalm. How could he say those things and not realize that it was going to cause problems?

Dear LTs T,
You're an idiot.
-Daisy

Dear New T,
I'm glad you not only have experience in psychodynamic therapy, but that it's one of your primary modalities. Also hopefully I'm well enough to see you on Friday.
-Daisy

C,

it hurts again
you say i can handle feeling like this, and you will help me
but you're not here