Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I dunno wtf I did (forgot what settings I changed) and now tapatalk doesn't link me back to posts I've made or notify me when someone quotes me.

I hope he doesn't regret it. Surprise and confusion don't necessarily mean regret. Even if he does regret saying "I love you", it's much more likely that it's due to how it seems to be hammered in therapist-training not to say the words...rather than because he thinks you're not lovable.

T sometimes says phrases like "You are worthy of love. You are not unlovable. You deserve love." though she has never said "I love you". (We're talking about different forms of love. I really dislike how English only has 1 word for love....)

I'm sure he cares deeply about you as a person, cares deeply about your well-being, has some attachment to you, has empathy and sympathy and compassion for you.

Maybe that's a therapy kind of love.

Kinda. He’s said numerous times that he’s not psychodynamically trained like MC, so he suggested I ask him when I’ve asked T things like “what does it mean to resolve transference?” But T had seemed to be doing well lately in helping me deal with MC attachment stuff, so maybe I thought he could handle it directed at him, too?

I mean, maybe that’s what he wants to tell me today, something like he can handle it and isn’t going to terminate me, but if I’d rather go see someone more experienced in attachment stuff, he’d understand. Scared he’s just going to outright terminate me today though...

He wouldn't terminate you like that all of a sudden. It's likely the context of his reply is not best conveyed as text on a screen, not personable. So, he needs to tell u in person. I do not think this T would spring a termination on you, especially since he knows ur turmoil with attachment figures

I agree with jDNA
You are not getting terminated today

Thanks, JDNA and TMC--I guess it's not so much fear that he'll literally terminate me as that he'll say he doesn't think he can help me. Or that I'm being too needy. Expecting too much of him. That he'll reiterate how it's a "business relationship." Just as I was starting to really trust him...

I think you made the point earlier about wanting to know early on if he wasn't able to give you the kind of therapy you need. If that is the case, you would want to know now rather than later (although obviously earlier would have been best!). You need what you need. You shouldn't feel like your feelings and needs are an inconvenience to your therapist, no matter what you're bringing to the table and how big or small it is. If it turns out that he isn't the right therapist for you, you now have the experience of getting a good start with the attachment stuff with two different therapists and that makes me pretty confident that you could do it with a third.

That said, I think it's likely that whatever your T has to say, he just didn't know if he could adequately convey the nuance over email. I'm glad you're going to see him to talk this out. A big part of therapy is navigating tricky situations together, so hopefully he can come through for you. If not, you have the power to decide how to proceed.

Dear T

I really like you and because of that, my instinct is to not want to bother you with painful topics. But that's not the point of therapy. So I will try my best to get out of that thinking. I will try to stop downplaying how difficult things really are. I will think about my answer whenever you ask "How are you doing?" and not just immediately blurt out "I'm doing okay". Because i would like to end this at some point, and that finish line is just getting farther and farther away because I keep dancing around things.

Thanks, EM. I think it's that, if he doesn't think he can give me the therapy I need, I wish he'd (or I'd) realized that earlier. I guess I just want him to be up front and honest with me, which he'd said before is his general style (both in his personal and professional lie). And, like you said, to be the one to decide how to proceed.

Maybe, even if I decide he's not ultimately the T I need right now, I could at least continue seeing him for a bit until I do find someone who seems like a better fit (I have one other T I contacted back when I initially contacted current T--I could see if he's still taking new clients). I think I'm partly scared that if I'm officially leaving MC soon, I don't want to be completely without a T or just starting out with someone new. It would be easier if I could be with someone I've at least started to trust.

I hate that I can't see you or hear you for another week, this is the worst part of all of this, the one single hour I get with you and that's it. You are fine without me, but I get so sad without you, it's not fair

Bloody
Why do we have to talk about not-fun stuff in therapy anyway? I just want to spend time with you feeling happy.

Yeah I have to try to balance it out. Do trauma work then a short break for a week or two

I feel like the most undesirable client in the world right now. I guess that's a bit narcissistic, but... Maybe there's some truth to it, too.

@LT Is it possible you're pulling away from your T because he won't give you the intense connection you crave? I mean, I'm not saying this is the case, but what we want isn't always what we need. Just be careful that if you switch to seeing someone else, your own motivations are clear. It could be that this T can't give you what you need, or it could be that what you want isn't actually in your best interests (like if it's a replacement for MC). If you do switch, do you think it might be helpful to try another female T? I know you don't feel like you connected very well or were helped much by ex-T, but it seems like seeing male T's might be a distraction for you.

T, I'm nervous about the possible outcome of a medical test I need to go in for. One of the possible results was just never on my radar. I don't know what to think. Except to want you. I wish you could go with me. But I know you would say you can't. I hate 2018 so far. I'm trying so hard to be positive and mindful but the stresses already this month.... do I really need another right now? Why, t? What did I do?

Ok I'm calling to schedule the test. I have to face this and deal. Maybe it's not what I fear.

I don't even want to see you.

I feel okay in session and then after I feel so weak and incapable. It feels like I need another session right after. I don't know how to work on this stuff and still lead a normal life outside sessions. I don't know how to come home and be a functioning human. And the crazy thing is, T probably doesn't have a clue because I'm so together in session. I never even cry.

You were talking about your baby and how it seems like you have 2 jobs now. I sense your stress t...i can feel the loss of interest . I'm not calling u out to be mean. But you've admitted burn out to me before, and I was right in my assumption then . I hope you take some time for yourself...i know you're always go go go. But ,don't let that drag you down ... take care of yourself i guess is what I'm saying .. please?

I see you tomorrow! I see you tomorrow! I see you tomorrow!!!

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. It seemed really open and honest. I feel like you have a deeper understanding of me now--like some stuff clicked for you. Like "aha!" moments. I hope that will help us moving forward. Plus I just felt connected to you, and I think that's part of what I needed. And to really feel like you want to keep working with me--and it seems you do. Yeah, you're not perfect, but you're really trying. And that means a lot to me.
So...thank you,
LT

The last few sessions have been super intense. Can we just play a card game or something this weekend. Or maybe I can kick back and you can do all of the talking

I do light sessions sometimes, it is needed for sure. I had a light one this past Tues after last week's stress

Suggest it for sure

I.. am....so.....****ing.....weird. I need to not be me because I am really odd. It makes me hate who I am. I put my real self out there, I pull back. This continues over and over. I am at a point where I'm not seeing any reason why I should continue to try to put myself out there. I need to hide within me. I can't be me because I'm too weird. I like weird things. I post weird things. I say things irl and no one ever replies. I might just be hopeless. I had two sessions this week and you would think I would feel stable. I am going through a crisis of self. I have to keep reminding myself to be quiet. Because if I'm not there are negative ramifications. I hate social anxiety, it causes me to be in pain on a daily basis. I try to post here, and I feel awkward and like I don't fit in. I am curious as to why I keep on going. ugh. I don't make sense right now.

I tried journal while I was bored... not a good idea, these are horrible, boring entries, I need to stick to only doing it while I am emotional. Why am I so horrible at emotions?

hi t. i didn't get the appointment yet. instead i called the nurse line that our insurance provides from my car in the parking lot. i talked to a male nurse, which at first was a little weird because it's a female issue, but then i said to him "you're a nurse, you can handle it" and i launched right in and asked my question. he asked me some questions and i answered them honestly and he said go get the test. that from what i told him it sounded like it was to rule out the bad thing. of course he gave all the disclaimers and stuff. but he really helped me feel better about it. i'm going to call tomorrow and schedule it.

also t, this afternoon at work when i looked at my paycheck and found out they messed it up and i'm only getting paid for one week instead of two because of the mess they made with my denied FMLA claim, I almost broke down in tears right there at my desk. It was just too much on top of everything else this month. I sat there staring at my computer not seeing and wanting to sob. But i didn't. i took some deep breaths. I thought about you. I told my friend who sits next to me. she sympathized. I emailed my boss and said help me get it fixed.

as i walked to my car at the end of the day, i thought, i don't think i can continue handling all of this. And I decided I must be being tested. For what, I do not know.

that must be murphys law.... life doesnt work that youd get paid for two weeks when its suppose to be one.