Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I'm not taking my meds today. On purpose.
They are so activating. My brain needs a break. Maybe this will help.

Also, I saw a new low post-pregnancy weight on the scale this morning, and I'm struggling to eat anyways, so...
just nothing matters.
just whatever. I want to go back to sleep.

((TMC))... You are doing some really hard and brave work in therapy... Please try to look after yourself and not slip into self-destructive habits?

Thanks Cake, LT and Art

I think this is kind of an inevitable thing for me right now. Not sure what's to be done about it? Perhaps I could just get T to write 'it's okay' on some paper for me and then keep it with me.

There's no way I'd be brave enough to ask for that, agh...

(((Luc)))

I didn't think I would be brave enough to ask R for 'I'm with you'...but I did, and she acknowledged the difficulty I found in asking - and fulfilled the request.

I bet T would be willing to do the same for you.

Dear T,

I am really pushing through with these side effects I'm having tingling in my feet ever since you upped my doseage and my anxiety has been through the roof thank god I have Ativan yes my OCD is better but my anxiety is still worse. I know it might take 6 weeks for improvement and I'm going to push through but everytime I say something like it's not working you just increase it I feel hopeless sometimes. I almost feel like firing you but I can't because you the only pdoc I can see ugh...

Thank you for the encouragement, Lost! My T is an R too, by the way

I think he probably would be willing to do it. But even if he is, I'll still feel humiliated by the asking...

Maybe it was all just my meds?...
...

I am going to be observed next week and I am having major anticipatory anxiety. I just want to be rid of this horrific affliction. I am so afraid that my anxiety is going to show and that I am going to do horribly. I'm afraid that I won't be able to articulate anything. How do I "forget" about this until next week? I'm feeling angry at myself although it's only a feeling. I just want to be normal. Do I keep having these crises because I think I am getting better?

Otherwise, I am fine.

ED thoughts raging...and saying...
if I don't follow through, then having mentioned it at all is a shameful attention-seeking thing to have done
can't mention ED stuff coming back up without following through and losing weight
GroupT said it's about finding a grip of control in this chaos
I know doing it won't even make me feel control it just makes me feel worse
and yet the voice says
but maybe this time it'll be different...this time it'll work

T I am so glad you were available to talk when I texted you earlier. I really needed to hear your calming voice. You helped a lot. My h tells me I am making too big of a deal about this but from what I heard the Dr say, I'm not.

I'm not sure how I am supposed to be feeling.

I guess there is no supposed to. I feel what I feel and I need to allow it.

I ate.
Too much.
The wrong stuff.
I hate myself.
--

I need you. Don't leave me. Are you still there? I miss you.

(((Artie))) it sounds like he has a positive attitude, a vital life force. That has to work in his favor thats good for him, right?

That's the best thing you could have said right now. Thank you. He does. Absolutely. And I'm sure it does. And it must be good for him. It's funny. He makes a huge fuss out of every LITTLE thing (like when he gets a cold, for example) but then when something that's serious happens he's positive and upbeat and has utmost faith that he will be healed, and I'M the one worried sick. It's weird.

I'm really glad t was able to talk to me briefly today and that we scheduled for Wednesday evening.

There we go. That's what I need. A little gratitude practice. Tonight, I am grateful for:

The wonderful nurses and techs at the hospital who are taking good care of my h (well there was one the first day that wasn't so great but he hasn't had her again)

A doctor who may be a little absent minded about small things, but who rocks at the big stuff

Science/research: that diagnosed the root cause of all this and invented the drugs that can fight it

My couchies

t

my friends all over the country who, through a simple Facebook request, are all rallying their prayers/energies etc for my h

my mom who because of my hard work in therapy i have been able to open up to and gotten tons of support from this week

my friend who's having me over for dinner and wine tomorrow night

i am grateful i am grateful and i am envisioning my husband well and coming home

thank you all

Dear Dr. S.,

I'm trying to not email you with my problems. I've got this handled. I don't know how it will turn out. I can do this. I hope it is the right thing to do.

You're there, I tell myself you're there. 3 sleeps

with love (and maybe a lot of dependency right now),
-me

(((Artie))) well, you said it about him first, and it reminded me how every once in a while my t says he remembers my positive attitude when i was recovering from my stroke thing 5 years ago, and that always takes me by surprise, that he recognised it and honors it.

I want you to know what happened to me as a kid, at least the part I can remember or make sense of. How does this work with you? How many awful details do you need to know to help me?

hello hello hello hello hello

hhhheeeeeeellllllloooooooooooooo

It will be so good to see you Wednesday evening. It'll have been one day short of 4 weeks. I'm glad I called you.

Dear T,
Is it wrong for me to text you to see if it worked out for me to have the Tuesday slot, when part of the reason for my texting is just to make sure you still exist? (I'm not going to tell you that though.) And, well, also to know that I'll be able to see you Tuesday (or at some other time next week). But I'm trying to wait till noon since you said you'd get back to me by Saturday morning...though you did say it was OK to check in with you if I didn't hear from you, so...
LT

Dear T

I know you want me to reach out and contact you during the week after that very intense session last week, but I am scared of getting too close. It seems safer to keep you at arm's length.

Dear T,

But I'll wait till session to do that. Just...let me know when that will be.

--LT

Dear Dr. S, That did not go very well. I managed though without emailing you, yet. I think I'll manage. 51 ish hours to go - 2 sleeps. I still don't get it though, if I'm nice, kind, and all that... and I'm not too much... then why does this type of stuff happen to me? - me

I'm going to send you an email- despite this not being an emergency. I won't be able to say it otherwise though.