Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

Dear Dr. S,
I love you. I miss you. Thank you for your words today. Thank you for remembering me.
-me

You're the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I keep testing you and you keep passing. Why am I still waiting for you to fail me?

T,
I keep thinking of all these things I need to talk to you about, that I never brought up before I left because I was too scared. What was I thinking?? I should have told you so long ago. Maybe now I would know some coping mechanisms I could use. I'm so stupid. From now on, once I start seeing you again I'll never withhold anything from you no matter how scary.
Annie

Hey mommy

Grateful for the work we did yesterday...sparked some thoughts that I will probably share next week.

Dear T,
Please don't die. Or end up in a coma or something. You're certainly not perfect, but I like you as my T. And I'll miss you next week, but good to know you'll be checking e-mail just in case. I accept that in your telling me that, it's implied that it would be OK to send you something if I felt the need. Because otherwise...why tell me? I'm doing my best to take you at your word, because that's how you said you'd be with me (as with everyone in your life, clients and personal). Will try my best not to bother you, of course.
Be safe and take care,
--LT

Thank you for standing by me even though I've tried so hard to push you away. You're amazing. I know I don't always see it or appreciate it, but you've done the right thing every time it mattered. So thank you. And I love you.

Dear T,
...And now I'm a total mess. When I said that nothing had really triggered me in session, you said you hoped I'd still feel that way in 10 minutes. In 10 minutes? Yes. In 90 minutes? Not so much...I guess it's better if I e-mail before you go away (since you said that's not till Sunday) than after, right?
LT

Dear R,

I'm sorry for being so hostile and angry today. I don't want to love you. You gave me an extra 17 mins without charging me, but I really just want you to give up on me already.

S

Hiya. I can't stop thinking about you this week. But it's ok you know. I miss you but it's not a big deal. I can feel it and notice it and go back to what I was doing. What a relief from how it used to be!

Dear T,
Please say something? At least before Sunday...
Sorry I'm so needy...
LT

ETA: Please don't hate me. I'm sorry...

Dear FM,

Thanks for once again validating my feelings about this particular relationship. I through it our to you because MLK does not know the back story. Your memory of 6-7 years ago is amazing as to the angst and craziness I allowed this friend to put me through. You did a great job as my therapist back then.

I thought I was okay after our phone call and... I really was, until I read about the crazy world events in Florida. I let that get me off track.

I am definitely back on and had a very productive day after reading your email.

Love you,
AesB

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I waited all week... no, that's not entirely right, but it feels so totally wrong, bad, fake, like lies to say it this way...
parts of me waited all week (I want to scream and scream that it's all ****ing stupid made up ********. parts. That I've taken it too far. said too much. whatever. it doesn't matter. nothing matters. I don't matter. I'm sorry - I can't stay in control of my own words.)

parts waited all week to talk to you.. the 10 year old, the 13 year old, and I don't know how old the little part is that is attached to you...that wants you as her dad. (do you still believe me?.......god....I hate this so much.) And those parts are really really upset, because I drank (and even just a little has a big impact on all the parts stuff), and it messed up the plan -- the plan to talk about the things that have been upsetting them all week related to the new memory and to S. But, I don't get to go out with my whole team like that but a couple times a year...so I don't really regret it. But, every time I see you is "the last time I'll ever see you" to all of them. (yes I know how stupid this sounds.) And I'm not doing well at controlling...anything. I seriously thought I was going to have to just go upstairs and have DH take care of DD all evening because I was going to explode. (I didn't.)

at this point I just want to apologize a million times and the little part is terrified you're mad at...what am I supposed to say at her? me? us? This is such ********. god. I hate this. me. just..me. I'm scared you're mad at me. Because I got angry and swore like an out of control teenager and...

how do you not think that I'm not just a malingering attention-seeking liar? I'm going to lose you. One day you'll have had enough. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for swearing at you, I'm sorry for emailing 4 times, I'm sorry for being ridiculous and immature and out of control. and I promise I won't email again this weekend. I promise. I'm sorry.

I’m about to go in. Don’t hurt me

i'm broken
dear god don't let me wake up tomorrow
i'm done
i was never meant to be here

I miss you, I do hope you enjoy your 3 day weekend though, whatever you do.

Words can not describe how much I hate you. You were unprofessional and mean and you should not be allowed to be a therapist! I'm trying so hard to take the high road but I may just send you the nastygram I have prepared. It's been more than a month and I can't let go of this anger. No one has ever hurt me as much as you did!

Dear T,
Your e-mail response seriously sucked. "Have a fabulous week?" WTF??? You know I'm struggling...And to say it's kind that I would miss you.. Again, WTF. Of course, you don't know that's what MC said the second time when I said I loved him...but still. I wanted you to say that it was OK, not that it was "kind." Please say you can talk briefly tomorrow. Seriously, I'm asking for 5 minutes...(and you already said you're not leaving till Sunday). Please? Please give me that? Yeah, I know you won't...
LT

Dear T,
Thanks for offering to see me tomorrow, but oh God, what am I going to say for a half hour to you tomorrow morning? Please be good in whatever you say back. Like...don't make me feel worse, OK? Better would be awesome. Just not worse.
LT

I feel like a broken record saying this but I WANT TO GO HOME and I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I am so lucky to have this opportunity. I should be having fun. Why am I like this??? I wonder what you would say if I called you and told you that.

Hi
I missed my meds again. I don't need them

And I think I should quit therapy. You don't care anyway (now I know), so it's okay. I'll never forget you.

This resonates with me, bc it is the crux of the power imbalance between client and T ( or my T insists on "patient" and T). In some sessions it seems like equal but different investments, but these times of vacation pull back the curtain on how the client simply has a lot more skin in the game than the T, and it really hurts. That hurt is a reality of therapy- we kind of suspend disbelief to have the process work, but when they are like hey my vacay makes me happy- C Ya you realize that they can take a break from their jobs( us) but we can't take a break from our inner lives while they go on their ways.

Why to remind that I mean nothing to you... I know, T, I know

Mawwwwwmmmmmmm...

I wish I was seeing you before March. This sucks out loud. It's not like I really want to go back anyway, but it's for the best. So I have to wait another 13 days to process the dumpster fire that was Valentine's Day. For that, I hate both my job and yours.