Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I am distraught. What did I do wrong . I'm sorry for whatever it was. I won't come to th4 next session I am too sacred. Too paranoid. I just need 3 words...3 words t. I'm. Not. Mad. Why won't u give them to me

Scared****

Dear MC,
In the past, I'd have gotten weepy or felt regret upon seeing your text to H confirming that we're rescheduling tomorrow's appointment. But I just feel...nothing. Literally nothing. Of course, let's see how I'm feeling at 2:15 tomorrow thinking I could be in your office right then (well, probably in your waiting room because you'd be late to get us)...
I guess this is...progress?
LT

jDNA - can you do something creative to show yourself ways your T has been there for you or even something that speaks about/to your fears. I'm sorry to see and hear you are struggling again. I wish I knew what words would help reassure you that it's not that your T won't give them to you, it's when will he tell you. It's so hard waiting and trusting that they will come. And they will. Those self doubt internal voices and your external voices can get so loud.

I would take it as progress.

Thanks, Lemon!

Hi R,

I'm feeling guilty for emailing on Thursday, but this disconnection from my physical body is really bugging me. I don't understand why I have to have something go wrong to actually take any notice of what's happening below the neck.

Hopefully will all be over by Tuesday....and we'll resume our conversations about you know what.

I am both dreading and looking forward to our next session. I feel scared and unsafe, but these feelings act as a wake-up call for me to finally confront the issues I need to confront and put them away for good.

You did nothing wrong.
Your T is not mad at you.
Sometimes we can't get the outside reassurance we really really want and feel we need. It sucks - I'm sure your T wishes he could be there all the time to give you that reassurance.
I know that you are scared, but you have been with your T a really long time. Can you hear what he would say to you?
I know he would say he is not mad at you and that he hopes you do come to your next session.

*****,

i miss you. i'm anxious about tomorrow. remind me you'll keep me safe? please..

weirdly, struggling without you today. Also, well, I am not sure if Elio is me or if I'm Elio. I don't think I'm Elio.

I pushed you too far again. U said you were annoyed but I was expecting that. I'm sorry, I wish I could stop. My goal is to not contact u for a while . I need to stop the distress cycle im sorry I annoyed u, I know it's not the first time . You said you're not angry , but are annoyed. I am annoying. I get it. I am sorry and I will do better. Please be gentle w me Wednesday . Please I can't handle anything else. I'm sorry I pushed ur buttons . I want to be better

Yikes! That had to be tough to hear. I always worry I will annoy my T.

I think the limit or no contact goal for a while is a good one, its tough but it's good. I've had to do it myself.

You have a lot of people here supporting you, hope you can do this goal and it helps you and that Wed goes well

Also, do you journal at all? Might be helpful when you get a urge to email or call to just journal your thoughts of what you want to say, discuss it in session, I've done that often and it's very helpful

Yes but I needed to hear it

It did hurt me though. I'm feeling sad n pathetic. How will I show my face there... Maybe a bag over my head.. .

I have recently started journaling

I'm sorry to say I laughed, the bag comment sounded so much like me.

I probably would feel the same but you are braver than me because if someone told me I annoyed them, I would just retreat and never bother them again.

I hope it works out ok for you, just resist the urge to contact by Wed so you don't feel like you make things worse or anything.

Hugs to you.

Thank you. I've realized it's a compulsion for me. To try to contact him. I hope it's not too weird when I see him. I'm just scared.... Still

Too bad you never grew up. Maybe therapy would help?

For what it's worth, my T told me I annoyed him just last week.
APPARENTLY...annoying one another is a normal relationship thing that happens and is unavoidable.
So he says.

And sometimes i just come to session to look at you and make sure you are real it was a weird session today, eh? All those questions you were asking.

If I'm not worthy of being told the truth, then you're not worthy of my time or any of the money I've invested in you.

Hi Dr. S, I wish I could call you and know I'd get your voicemail. I just want to hear your voice but you answered that one Sunday when I called. I don't need to talk to you. Not really. - me

T,
I miss you so, so much. I wish I could just let it go. I mean, I'll get to see you again (in seven months). It's holding me back. Every night I imagine some situation where I can talk to you or call you or email you or even drop out of my exchange program so I can have therapeutic and psychiatric support again. But that's silly, I can make it through on my own. You've given me those tools.
I guess my point is... I just miss you. I hope you are doing well. And I naively hope you think of me occasionally.
Annie

I lied today i am really not doing too well, maybe you guessed when i cried.

why would you email me "how can I reassure you?" and then entirely disappear?
That's the least reassuring thing you could do...

T,

So today huh? Can we just get past the usual and get to what you will get me to talk about? Might as well use the time before I almost surely will say something hard near time.