Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I can't face you tomorrow and I'm sorry.

Wouldn't it be nice if they had a special number that played a soothing recorded message in their voice where you couldn't leave a message and they wouldn't answer? I would so use that.

Dear developmental clinician,

You were supposed to e-mail me last Monday about coming last Tuesday. I e-mailed you and you never answered. It's been a whole week, get your act together. Now I'm in the same boat as I was last Monday, wondering if you'll come tomorrow since you usually come every Tuesday. Isn't it supposed to be standard to answer e-mails within 48-36 hours not including weekends? You've had that and more time. A little notice of you coming would be nice, and I really don't think that's so much to ask. I think you think I don't do much so you can come whenever. But I'm actually supposed to be meeting with my case manager tomorrow too and am beginning to do more things so I really need to know when you are coming. In addition, the dog was also supposed to go to the vet but I actually ended up putting that off since two appointments in a day is enough for me. But maybe you won't come and then I will have wished I kept the vet's appointment. I am really trying to live a more productive life but you seem to be holding me back. If the state wasn't paying you I'd fire you. But since I'm not paying and you seem to be helping me I guess I'll stick it out. But I'm super annoyed. If you are in the hospital or something maybe you have a valid reason, but considering how you have a history of changing appointment times at the last minute I doubt this; you just seem unreliable at this point.

Grr,
Butterfly

That would be nice! MC has an office phone, so I could theoretically call and listen to that during non-office hours, being fairly confident he wouldn't answer. But T uses his cell for everything (no office phone), so I'd be too afraid of him answering...I don't even know what his outgoing message sounds like! So yes, a special line to call would be nice :-)

Yeah my t only has a cell# too. I know what her message says cuz I've gotten it before when calling. It's only when I WANT to get her voicemail that she answers haha

That happened to me with ex-T once. I was just going to leave her a message, and I was like, "Oh...uh...hi" when she answered. Actually, I think that was even her office phone.

Yeah, same here. I was having a rough weekend and had emailed her several times that weekend. I went to make a different call and thought I could call and get her voicemail. She probably thought after all the emails that she should answer the call. I was actually doing better at the time I called. Still, I wanted that voice. Now I'm terrified of calling again. LOL

I see her today and I'll tell her that an informal poll from the forum states that she needs to do this. ok probably not, would be funny though.

They could call it their meditation line or something like that. Maybe use an unused land line.

This is a good business idea. Have them subscribe to a service that emails them a script they can record.

Sort of like music industry guys recording their "Listen to WKRP in ...." bits that get played on the radio

My T has a dedicated voicemail line that doesn't ring anywhere, so theoretically I could call that to hear her go through the voicemail greeting without running the risk of her actually answering. (I kind of can't handle that anticipation of wondering if the person I'm calling is going to answer or not, so I'm glad the answer is always no with her.) I'd be afraid she would see the missed call, though, if I didn't leave a message. I've asked her a couple of times to leave supportive voicemails on my phone, so I usually go to those instead if I want to hear her voice sounding all warm and therapisty.

I think if/when I go back, I will ask her to leave me a voicemail like that. I can't go back til we pay h's hospital bills off, and that may be awhile as slow as insurance is, so by the time I can again I may not want to...

My t was in an educational video that I've bookmarked so I can see her/hear her when I need to. I wouldn't dare call!

Artie - I hope the hospital bill gets paid quickly.

T, that was nice of you to send me a bday text yesterday.

T - A. I am actually looking forward to meeting with you in 2 days for therapy. That could change in any given millisecond, and, that doesn't mean I will be able to talk to you about things I need to talk about. It's reinforcement for me to keep trying to overcome the godawful fears I so often project onto you. I do know you're a good egg. I just wish my wounded inner parts knew it too.

B. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and admit that right now a small part of me is looking forward to seeing you and your new office, too.

Dear MC,
So...see you in 3 weeks, I guess? Because, sorry, don't really want to see you on Valentine's Day, and none of the other dates worked for all of us (of course the one week was out due to my MIL's surgery). But maybe this is for the better, since hopefully I can be prepared for a termination session by then (or, I guess, a pretermination session, if there is such a thing...)
LT

What you did for me Saturday is still a bit of a shock. Feeling more intensely for you was not what I was going for. I was happy with my low key warm fuzzies. Do you regret it? I don’t, however I wish could just go “that was nice” and get on with my day.

I think due to weather I'll have to cancel tomorrow again, ugh stupid winter, hope you wont make me wait too long to reschedule

I kind of came away from today with the message of “I annoy you all the time,” and it’s making me feel I’ve screwed up and lost you and all of the d-word safety you made me feel before. It feels like forever since I heard like genuine, unprompted reassurance and comfort from you, and I’m embarrassed at how badly I want it. But also, it hurts. I’m left wondering if you really even want me to come back.

I don’t think I can handle anger and annoyance being the primary message you are getting from me. Because the primary message I’ve been trying to send is that I need you and want your comfort and reassurance. And that I’ll do basically anything to be good. Good enough for you to care about. Good enough for you to want me around. Good enough for you to wish you were my dad.

3 weeks? Really? I mean... I don't know if I should feel fine because you believe I can do it or if I should be devastated because you think I can do it. Fact is, I'm gonna miss you.

T,
I hate feeling so needy I'm not sure why I told you what I did, I just did. It is true that i didn't want you to know that about him because I want for somebody in my life (other than me) to actually care about what other people have done to me. I feel like everyone got a pass because it was 'just' me. What I have told you about the past that happened in regards to said person, remains to be absolutely true. I'm not going to ever be one of his adoring fans. I would rather be stupid me than be anything like him.

ok, not doing well tonight without a reply to my email. I know one will come and more than likely before the night is out. However, it might not be until tomorrow morning. Sooner would be better, just saying.

I'm getting the feeling that you want to be rid of me. I'm sorry I have the problem I do... I know most people don't have experience with it. I know it's rather annoying. But please, if you're going to terminate me, don't drag it out. Just tell me now. Don't beat around the bush.

T-

Thanks for the call back and spending a good 20mins talking to me. And also thanks for encouraging me that I have made it through this before and I will again. Also, it made me feel very reassured when you thanked me for calling you and letting you know what was going on, and I shouldn’t suffer alone. Overall it was helpful, though when I am in a constant state of panic, your rational ideas seem fine, until I have to work through the anxiety in the moment. I hate anxiety. Hoping this is a minor set back, and I will be able to get myself to my appointment this week.

Thanks again,
Healed

Thank you so much for being so utterly wonderful and doing everything you can to fit me in around my childcare problems. I'm really hopeful that she'll be back to school tomorrow and you can see me at my usual time. If not, I hope we can work something out.
Thanks for seeing me in the evening next week too. Love you lots.

Why is leaving you so hard? See you on thursday.