Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I am almost weirded out our sessions seem to be on same days and almost same time haha

tho with the time difference... Im still going a day ahead of you... go figure

T,
I'm really struggling and need you right now. I don't want reminders of coping skills. I want to be comforted! I want to see you! I'm worried that if I email you this, I'll start a fight. Or maybe you'll punish me for emailing too much. I just want this pain to go away.

Thank you for swearing
I didn't like how you said "You're not looking after your self, so you won't see 70 years anyway, why to hurry?"

I also didn't like how you said "I care about you... as part of the work". Huh? Okay, I always knew I'm just a work for you, but it was painful anyway. Very painful. I'm still hurting. So "real you" don't give a ****. Okay. Okay. It was foolish of me to think you care.

You have every right to hate me, I hate myself right now. Our next session is after almost 3 weeks. Maybe I should cancel? I don't know.

I know you think I'm an attention seeker. Maybe I am. I'm so tired. I don't deserve your attention or anyone's attention.

You looked different today. I worry about you. I feel guilty for bothering you. I'm sorry you have to deal with me "as part of the work". You don't have to.

I'm sad. Hurted. Angry.
I'll think about possibility of cancelling later.

Love you

Eta: tbh I think you messed up today. I'm sorry.

Brain dump for today so I can get to work:

I am separating out distress with an issue my kid's struggling with from my own longing for connection and the healthy and not so healthy things I may do to make it.

Being a parent and not wanting to disappoint my kid is tough. Guiding him without controlling him is not the easiest balance to achieve. My anxiety that I'm not a good enough parent or I'm making the wrong call and because I have to do it alone without his other parent to bounce this off. I need to control that and find the wisdom I need to communicate effectively.

Finding connection is elusive, too limited, my close friends have crisis after crisis. On edge about relating to anybody because I think they demand too much for me and I feel too depleted. I want to hole up in a beach cabin with my dog on a deserted island with no internet or phone. I want to focus on myself until I find my way back again.

My imaginings are automatically worse than what 'actually happened', because it didn't actually happen. Oddly enough, that's no comfort.

I am struggling so much with my feelings over your trip and it's a month away. What is wrong with me? That weekend is gonna be a dang nightmare

How long is he gone?

Just 4 days, it's not the length that bothers me

It's where, why and who with... it's all giving me alot of worry (anxiety)

Hi T. Today has been a good day. Part of the reason for that is the session we had on Tuesday. I felt safe and I needed that for today to go well. Thank you.

People are relying on me at work for something that isn't my job. But they think this is my job. I am so ****ing disorganized it's not even funny.

After all of my pain in relation to my Doctor about getting my meds., I totally forgot to leave work and go to my appointment. Something happened at work that really bothered me. It's like I am not present most of the time. My memory sucks. I am seriously afraid I have a brain tumor or something serious wrong with my brain. My memory has been so horrible. I don't forget my appointments with T because I am used to going there. But I'm not used to going to my GP. I am so ashamed of myself even though I know I'm not doing this on purpose. I just want to give up. I am too embarasssed to call my GP.

Thank you for today. I feel so much better for having listened to myself talk about my approach and my options. In the past I would have bitten your head off for using the phrase "you should" but today I know that you are not in any way telling me what to do. I'm grateful for your ability to help me step outside myself and help me examine things more objectively.

S,
'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself

JK Go F*** Yourself.

T - I tried my best to reframe my thoughts. I can't. So.... eat sh it.

I love you. I really, really do. I don't think you'll ever understand, but that's okay.

You were really mad at me today, huh? I know it's because you care about me. I could tell.

Thank you for hugging my stuffed animals. That was really sweet of you.

Dear T,

It's me again. People at work are driving me crazy, i just want to be alone. I want people to leave me ALONE. Yes, the one who has attachment/dependency issues wants to be ALONE at work. I want people not to take their frustration out on me. I just want to tell them, got a complaint? Go **** yourself! I tried to help them and nothing matters. I'm apparently not doing things to their satisfaction. They are welcome to do it themselves. Can't they just go away? I just want to do my job and go home. I don't want to be responsible for something not in my pay grade.

I'm trying to keep hold of my armor and hide behind it. But my armor has been breached. My social anxiety seems to be letting everyone in so they can hurt me and I hate it. I hate that I am not the one in control. I despise it.

A person was being critical of what I was/wasn't doing and I accidentally said something that showed how frustrated I was going on. I was just as surprised as she was.

I don't know who to be tomorrow. I want to be the candid me and tell them if they want it done a certain way to feel free to do it themselves, it won't bother me a bit. I feel so vulnerable and I don't know how to protect myself.

This makes me SOOOO angry, and I hate that I am even wasting my time being angry. I can't help how I feel.

How did I end up here? Why am I so angry? Why can't i just let it all go? I am trying to suppress all of my non positive energy emotions, and I predict an explosion, but hope to avoid one.

What do I do, T? How do I handle this? I am trying so hard not to show my emotions. I feel like sobbing uncontrollably just to get this feeling out. But I can't cry, I'm just stuck with this horrible feeling. I need you to help me. I'm really afraid. I don't know how to extract myself from this situation. Do you?

just me

Dear T

Take a second and think of every curse word in every language in the entire world. Now put them in order to make an eloquent or at least readable sentence and imagine me saying them to you. Can you manage that, or is that too difficult for your subpar intelligence?

S,

This is from the part that is (was?) still attached to you.

I thought you cared about me. You used to walk me out to my car. You used to watch me from the window to make sure I was safe.
or so you said.
was it all just BS?
How do you go from that to making a joke about someone trying to rob me?
who even are you?

every good memory is ruined.

Dear Dr. S,

I called and talked to MH advice line with my network to try to get out of network referral so that I have better coverage with you. It was so unpleasant to talk to this person on the phone about why I see you, what makes you special, how long I've had blah, what are my symptoms that meet that criteria, and yes, the fun and lovely suicide assessment.

How do you say, hey, yeah I'm still in need of you, without sounding like I need hospitalization ... all the while I'm thinking... Please don't take my "mommy" away. Yes, transference alive and well.

love you, 15 mins
me

M.

This week has built on itself.

The protector part has let me have a few pieces and there are major questions.

Compliance is happy that some pieces are fitting together for her to understand “why?”

We want to share much with you Monday, but there is an honest question of what this is going to do to us.

I’m nervous to put this out there. I’m sure you have heard worse but this is me and we are going to be hearing it talked about for the first time.

Compliance is remembering that “shame cannot survive being spoken” and that is what we are holding onto.

See you Monday.

I got offers from both places I interviewed with! I really wanted to email just to tell you but I thought that might be weird so I didn’t. So here I am posting instead lol. I’m excited to tell you whenever I see you though!

I would text my T this if this happened to me! I only text in rare times, but this definitely seems e-mail worthy! Congrats

I'm still hurting. While you already forgot about my existence.
This is unfair.

I wish I could email you. You have no idea how much you've hurt me. I want to tell you. But it's not your fault. It's my fault. I idealized you... and so on.

I have to wait ~3 weeks. It will be difficult. I feel like something died inside of me.

Aww thank you! Maybe I will email him!

T-
You can virtue signal all you want but at the end of the day,
You really are a judgemental a-hole

-me