Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

You told me before I left that I could call you if I needed it -- "not teletherapy," you said, "but if you needed to talk to someone urgently, you can always call me."
What is urgent? How do I know that my problem is "worthy" of a call that will take time out of your day? I know if I call you, I will want to talk to you for hours and hours, and it will make the pain of missing you so much worse. But at the same time, I need help. But aren't there other "serious" issues? But what are they? Should I call you? I'm afraid to call. What do I even say?

When you hugged me I felt very safe.

Dear Info,

Now you know how angry I am at you. Especially over my recent discovery.

Dear No. 3,

Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have broken my silence, but you know, I got almost no sleep because of nightmares about you that obviously stem from your unethical behavior last fall. And since you always told me to share my pain when I was seeing you, well, I shared it after tossing and turning for several hours.

Somehow I managed not to call either of you names or say anything too insulting.

ATAT

I can't believe I forgot to do the coloring, yet again. Thanks for setting it all up though. Was nice of you. I miss you already, weekly is a nightmare

Good session = yearning and loving you and missing you lots afterwards.

Can we not meet in ur actual office today please it triggers me.

At tomorrow's session, it will be a month since I've seen you. Every other week scheduling has been mostly working out, but when I have to miss my every other week appointment and can't get another until my regular spot, I find it very difficult. I need the support and my safe place to talk about me without worrying about anybody else.

It has been a hard, hard, hard month. Good things have happened and are on the horizon, but the challenges have been like rolling a stone uphill (or up a gradual driveway but feel like a mountain). I am plugging away and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I am depleted and unable to find what I need to feel otherwise. I am lonely. I miss having a partner who has my back.

This is my brain dump so I can go back to work and do what I need to do.

True It was more a toss than a throw anyway. haha.

Lol, agreed, every time I look at my abilify prescription bottle and read "aripiprazole" I wonder wtf they were thinking when they came up with that.

That was a really good session.

What the poem says

F uck EMDR and f uck you.

Thanks for the nice email even though I said you didn't need to reply, it helped me feel better about things.

Go eff yourself. And the horse you rode in on.

Dear T,
Really glad I'm seeing you Friday (though kinda wish it was tomorrow now...) because my nearly lifelong friend just sent me a soul-crushing e-mail... I will resist the urge to ask if you can see me tomorrow because H is being super supportive, so I'll be OK...I think...
LT

Bubbles,
This will be a Valentine's Day that I'll never forget. I'm so sorry I ruined it for you. I'm sorry that I've ruined any chance of us working together.

what happened daisy?

S (ExT),
why, yes...I am being quiet. How astute of you to notice after a week. Thank you for pointing it out to me?...what do you want? I wanted to matter to you. I don't. Why are you still here?

---TMC

----
C,
please be my real dad... please somehow magically make me a kid again for real not just a kid stuck in an adult body... and you be my real dad... please

It's a really long story that I'm too emotionally spent to get into publicly. Long story short I'm lucky to be home and not the hospital.

((Daisy))

ugh. i'm sorry

Dear T...

I've known for 2-1/2 years that we are therapist and client - nothing more. Today you told me that my feelings for you were getting in the way of therapy - that all of the rage and disappointments I deserve to have for everyone who failed me are tied up in the erotic feelings I have for you. You want us to work toward helping me feel what I've never felt before. I feel my lover has just dumped me. I can't imagine what I haven't felt before is worse than the pain I feel now...

Dear T,
It's times like this that I'm both sad and glad that you have boundaries around outside contact. Because if you didn't, I'd certainly be e-mailing you right now or might have texted or called you earlier. But...I will do my absolute best to wait till our Friday session (which I'm so glad I scheduled). This is helping me learn to deal with my emotions, to talk to H, to friends (even if only online ones right now) instead of relying on you (or MC). Which is a good thing. I can handle it...though I suspect I'll collapse into sobs at approximately 10:32 a.m. Friday in your office...
Miss you,
--LT

been thinking about you today. probably because it's 2 weeks since we talked. let's talk in 2 more weeks ok?

I've not been doing well without therapy for 2.5 months so I decided to give that online therapy stuff a try. I feel guilty, like I'm replacing you. But nothing will ever beat talking to you in person.
Also having to recount every piece of my life story for the therapist was so triggering. I wish you were here to talk some sense into me, but you're not, so I'm falling off the wagon again. (It's my fault, not yours, I know.)