Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I've almost made it over the line...tomorrow has to be better. I absolutely hate that you weren't here for me during this time, and that we will have to talk about that. 'Take care of yourself' is an odd, minimalist request in light of a major trigger date for one of your clients...but maybe I am overthinking it. I just can't imagine that you didn't know.

My support worker today made a comment about perhaps being referred to someone new. I don't want to have to do that, if I can help it. It has taken me long enough to trust you...and I do. I trust that we will be able to get me to a point where I am not constantly replaying 'She called me into the bathroom to help with something, and then collapsed.'

Right now, though...I am angry that this panned out in the way it did.

I know I can email but I emailed last week and I don't want to become too much. I feel empty. It is probably just because classes start tomorrow but that knowledge isn't helping me feel more real.

Excited to see you tomorrow, I need a hug

Dear T,
Feels like it's been a long time since I've seen you--but somehow it will only be a week tomorrow?!? Kinda miss you... Curious to how you'll react to the latest MC stuff--though I suspect you'll be supportive and understanding. Think we need to spend at least some of the time talking about that to prepare for Friday's session...
LT

oh my T.

T,
I think (?) you would be proud of me. Today I made a decision out of fear, but I realized it, and I changed my mind. I'm still scared, but I'm trying to be brave and tackle the scary thing head-on. I thought of you as I did it.
I hope you enjoyed your holiday. Wishing you well this semester.
Love, Annie

You're pretty cool, ya know!

Why didn't you show up?

Today is not better by any stretch of the imagination. I know you can't help it, but this is hell.

Dear T,

You know, you're pretty awesome. Stay that way, OK?

LT

I think we are still ok. I know I am.

T,
Also, sorry about the whole "It's not like you're a quarterback" comment--you're just as much an athlete, even though your sport doesn't happen to be pro football (and you're not Tom Brady--but that's a good thing to me!)
--LT

This snow can **** itself. I'm coming to see you tomorrow if I have to source a sled and huskies.

Dear Dr. S,

Thank you for today, for being understanding and supportive. And for remembering that none of this is easy for me.

Love,
me

Dear No. 3,

So I was just thinking of you—that when I was seeing you in person, you helped me feel like I might be worthwhile in the world after all, which was really something after years of an abusive relationship.

It felt like a dream. And then your actions and mistakes this fall—they made me wake up, feel not worthwhile in the world again. Worthless.

Oh, well. Dreams are true while they last. But we don’t live in a dream.

ATAT

thanks T. i knew you would get back to me. please help me stop this loop from going over and over in my head. why am i so terrible?

that is so sad ATAT. ugh, i'm sorry.

Dear T, I want my sugar back back but you always remind me how sugar gives me anxiety crazy part is I see your hidden stash of Reese cups in the top shelve or how you remind me how bad soda is and see you drinking a dr. Pepper. I would crave for a dr.pepper right now but that's right somehow my meds mess it up

Hi T,

I'm having one of those really bad days... I feel like I can't move, I feel like...

Meh I need you. It's one of those days where I wish I could email you.

Plz work today

It's not that much snow right ?????

Thaaaank you for being such an enormous help.

Thank you for all the help with my job interview... I don't deserve you.

I have figured out part of this "this". And the next time I see you I will weigh 20 lbs less.

And so, it (the initiation my dreams spoke of) has begun. You should SO know better than to think I would say "no".

It's on, baby, it's on.

Thank you for the reminder that I am safe and that I can trust you. I struggle with those concepts so sometimes it's just nice to be reassured that I am ok.

What are we doing? I don't know what we're doing right now. I feel like the thread was lost somehow when you dropped the IOP thing in my lap last week. I don't know what to say to you today. I feel like a broken record talking about my suicidal thoughts all the time. Should I stop talking about them? I don't know what to do.