Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

Thank you for the phone session even tho you took off work

Dear T,
I miss you. (Yeah, I just saw you yesterday...)
--LT

PrevT,

I don't know if I want to see you this Friday. Or ever. I want it to be Friday. But I don't want to want this. I hate this feeling. I don't trust you anymore. I can't. I hate you. But I still can't let you go. I'm a horrible mess.

Weekly is awful... my god... I don;t think I'll make it until Tues to see you again... this is so hard

Dear T

I'm impatient waiting for a reply for you, yet I'm dreading to read it when I get a reply from you. Weird. What's up with that?

Dear T,

The next time I see you, can you tell me what you thought about the rather messy drawing on the postcard?

Feeling weirdly super self conscious about it, because I spent time thinking of what I wanted to convey to you, and feeling very much like I couldn't capture the range and depth of complex feelings I had.

I see you in 9 mins I guess.

I hope your session went well. Hugs if you want them.

Thank you for today
I love you
I'm ****ed

I turned the radio off finally. I got the message I needed

It was a funny sort of session. I was the oldest and the angriest part of me and I honestly just wanted to pick a fight with him, so that I would have my excuse and it would be easier to leave him. I wasn't nice at all, but he didn't give in to me. He wouldn't argue.He didn't turn nasty. He was just wonderfully calm and funny. We talked about Star Trek and Star Wars and it just made me love him more. He's the first man that makes me feel like I'm actually worth something.

So far, I have written three letters to you....not counting the one that I burned.
I want to believe that you had some idea of the timing...and why it wasn't a good idea (and that's putting it mildly) to leave me in charge of my emotions around this Hell Month.

'Take care of yourself'?

Nearly as useful as cheer up or calm down....no doubt sincerely meant, but...

And I don't know how I'm going to begin to tell you. I haven't felt unsafe since August 2016, and yet...here we go again.

Bllllllaaaaaaaannnnnnnkkkkkkk pppaaaaaaaaggggggeeeeee

Don't know what to write but I want to write. I just want you to know I'm still here. And I still need you.

Dear T,
I am sorry for lying to you I know you upped my meds but I can't handle the side effects ( they make me so groggy) so I split them in half one in the evening one at bedtime. I know if I told you naturally you would raise your voice so I can't tell you. I promise eventually I will take the pill but until then I really need to get used to these side effects hope you understand.

that word....

I need you.
are you still there?
you're still there, right?

hey t. i was thinking about you on my way home from work today. did i cross your mind at all at my normal session time??

i'm coming back, you know. i'm just not ready to yet.

Maybe I should’ve agreed to the phone session.

It’s just...ugh.

Weekly is the worst, It seriously feels like 2 weeks already. I am at least glad you still text me in the meantime. It's better than nothing

Dear MC,
I'm finding myself listening to some older music lately, like rediscovering songs I haven't listened to in years. Is it some weird way of reminding myself that I existed before I knew you--and thus can still exist once I'm no longer seeing you? Because that occurred to me when I heard one of the songs, that last time I heard this I'd never even met you... Or maybe just reconnecting with who I was then? Or maybe it has nothing to do with you at all, just rediscovering stuff that I liked from years ago, and I'm overthinking things as usual?
See you tomorrow, assuming all goes as planned (I still have no faith that our sessions will actually happen--not just because you might cancel but because we could have some reason to do so as well).
LT

Dear t-
I want to tell you that the news story about those poor tortured 13 children is dredging up stuff from my past. Embarrassed that my situation was not as bad as those kids but some commonalities remain and they are upsetting. We have driving scheduled this week so I won’t even be able to talk about it.

Growly, sorry to butt in--but can't you put off the driving if this is bothering you?

I might email him tonight to let him know what is going on for me

Hi
- You're avoiding the word "love". Why?
- I'm jealous of your other clients.
- Your family and friends are really lucky. Really.

You upset me yesterday. You actually said I'm too weird to be loved (by anyone), huh? Did you really say that? Did I misunderstand you?

Read my book please... I think you'll like it.

Dear Dr. S,

Why do I have to leave at the end of sessions? It's not fair you know, not fair at all that I have to go back to my life at the end of the sessions. I want to hide in your office and not leave. I almost don't care if you go, I want to just be there sometimes. Next time, I want to see my puzzle under the couch. I wanted to break apart the glow in the dark puzzle today and throw it all over the office because I couldn't touch the good feelings of it. It felt so ugly (best word I can use to describe it, bad) that I couldn't feel anything about it, no excitement, no connection to it... eh.. it's there. All I could tell you was that I was not in good head space for it. Violent thoughts, angry thoughts - beat you, hurt you thoughts. eh was all I could tell you. None of it matters - that's where the thoughts are.

I love you, don't give up on me, ok.

-me

I so relate...... Seriously struggling with this now...I can't stop thinking about the people he works with all day and I'm stuck in my house with my awful family.