Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I hope it was a misunderstanding. I hope you can tell him you're upset.

You're not "too weird" to be loved - you're very worthy of love. My family would tell me I'm too weird, too difficult to love, and yet love found me when I didn't expect it.

You are a very determined and courageous person.

He noticed I was upset. He said "I'm sorry if I hurt you. We can discuss it later" (our time was up)

But I'm sure he'll forget about that after 2 weeks

Remind him. He's been a good T thus far and I trust he cares for you even if his memory gets fuzzy by then.

I've reminded my T about a hurtful phrase she used in my next session (Also two weeks), and also 1 year later (of course she'd forgotten by then, but I reminded her and we talked).

It's important to discuss, I feel, because sometimes these hurtful phrases expand the distance between us and T.

Dear T,
Thanks for telling me you had a bad conscience about things you said the previous two sessions. It's nice to hear that you care about the things you say to me, even though you try to never show it.

I really want you to know what this is like for me...but I don't want to send a message and just have it sit in your inbox, so I can obsess over whether you've received it yet...but when the alternative is giving you a piece of my mind the next time I see you...

This is really ****ing hard. We're all human beings, but I don't understand why we didn't discuss alternative support systems before now. I need you, and you aren't here.

pdoc,

You're right. I'm alone.
T - Do you believe me? I don't believe myself.

Dear T,

Yesterday was lovely, as always. I don’t think I’ve had a bad session in 7 months. You are so kind and patient and reliable.

I get it, I understand now how powerful it is to have you beside me. During our sessions I can recall these abusive memories in the most intense way then I have in decades. This time, I have you standing beside me. I’ve re-lived so many memories with you and I know there’s more to come. Describing these abusive memories makes me re-experience them in the most intense way. But it’s ok. I have you standing next to me, we’re watching these scenes together. As Alice Miller said, I have a compassionate witness, someone to validate my sufferings. This is no longer a burden I share alone. Thank you. I’m stupendously lucky to have met you.

Dear MC,
Still upset with you. Still feeling hurt by you. It helped to get some anger out, and it helped to hear you take responsibility for a few things and sort of apologize for a couple too (the whole, "If I did x, then I'm sorry.") But I still don't think you really GET it. I'm not sure if you have the self-awareness or the willingness to examine yourself to such an extent that you can truly understand how you've ****ed things up many times over the past few years. Have you forgotten about all the outside contact you've given me, how loose you've made the boundaries at times?

And what really hurts is that you basically admitted the reducing contact thing was because I said I love you, and you keep thinking it's romantic, even though I both sent an e-mail after saying it was platonic and told you that on the phone. I don't think you understood when I said how you told me in response to that e-mail that "Of course it's OK," but in reality, it obviously wasn't.
I hope you really take time to examine how you've been with me over the past few years. Obviously, it's too late to go back and change that. But...maybe you can avoid making the same mistakes with a future patient?

And yes, I do want you to feel bad about how you've hurt me. Maybe that seems mean or harsh, but it's how I feel...
LT

Ugh I don't want to spend next session talking about hugs. But we have to, don't we. Our hugs have changed in frequency and the way they feel. And we haven't talked about that. And you turned your back and walked to the door without waiting to see whether I was going to ask for a hug. What happened there? Did our conversation change something? I have to ask you next week.

I want to email you just to ask you to say comforting words.
Nothing's happened, and I've nothing of substance to say.
I just want it.

Dear Dr. S,
I can't believe I turned down your offer of a phone/video call. I just don't think it would have given me the comforts that (TW for unsafe coping mechanism list)


-me

there's a lot going on inside me right now, oh compassionate one. i'm not ready to come back and talk about it yet. but i'm turning another corner, i am, and well, more than even a couple days ago i feel like i'm meant to do this bit by myself. although i'm not really by myself, am i? you're somehow still there with me, even though i'm not physically coming and sitting in your office.

I was thinking about you on the way home today. How strange it is in a way that I know where you live. Y'know, that your house is only 7 miles from mine. But it's like a different world there or something. So peaceful. And there's cows. And at least one horse I've seen.

I'm still a little bit struggling with the wanting to sit and drink tea with you under a covered patio watching the rain fall just us as people not t and client... I dunno... but I do miss that t and client "us" at the moment... i just can't come back yet.

I wish I understood myself.

I'm laying here crying (for you) in bed for no reason. (except missing/wanting you like a child who is separated from a parent.)

I want so badly to email, but I'm not going to.

Thanks for texting with me today even though you were busy doing something, you are amazing

Dear T,
I understand your not being able to talk tonight and that you're going out of town this weekend. I appreciate you saying it's fine to e-mail. That you'd try to respond tonight, and if not, if it's still a crisis, that you'd respond tomorrow night despite being away. But what's a crisis to you? If you don't respond tonight...do I need to reiterate tomorrow that it's a crisis? I don't know what the line is, because we haven't really discussed that. Are you going to read my way-too-long e-mail and be like, "this isn't a crisis!" I just really don't know...I suppose that's a conversation we need to have...

Is it a crisis if I can't stop crying and can't eat and am just drinking copious amoutns of alcohol? Or

Stuff I should probably clarify....

Edited to add: OK, sent you e-mail to clarify...sorry, I'm probably being terribly annoying. Please don't reject me...

hey t. i am sad we couldn't talk after the accident on tuesday. i sort of know it isn't bc you don't care really about me and that life is crazy for you with two small children. but still, i'm a little sad. will i tell you this? nope.

T,
Missing you a bit today. I have friends here and I talk a lot with my friends back home, but I still feel lonely and empty because I need someone to talk to about the way I am feeling and how hard it is to have BP and be so far from home. That someone is you, but I can't see you until August. You said I could call, but only if I was in crisis. I can't call internationally, anyway.
Hope you're well.
Annie

Dear T,
Thanks for your lengthy e-mail response*. You seem to really understand what I'm dealing with regarding MC, and that means a lot to me. Even your comment about the kid hugs...like, you just get it. Thanks for being there...you're awesome.
Fondly,
LT

*I know I have to pay for it, but it's worth it. You earned it!

I wish I would have taken you up on the phone call. 3 sleeps.

I hate myself for eating and I just don’t want to be me any more

Did I cross your mind when you went on your erotic transference course yesterday?

Should I not have said what I did in that message? Because you haven't replied...I can't stop wishing I could take it back...but it was ok, wasn't it? I need to know it's ok, that I'm ok.

It was so good this week, I felt so connected to you...but the more connected I feel the worse it is in between and the more afraid I feel. So many intense dreams last night; dreams or memories or a mixture, I don't even know. I'm scared and I wish I was with you.

I’ve been up all night fretting about how I’m going to talk to you about how the news is dredging up my ancient abuse issues. May the Turpin parents get torn to pieces in prison might I add. Also set off by a local sex trafficking case of a minor. Stupid Texas judge saying god claims the trafficker was innocent thus corrupting a jury. Only the jury was not corrupted as they sentenced the ***** to 25 years. Pretty sure I know one of the jurors. So much horror in the world. Not enough of a caring circle around me. I feel like the world is run over with predators. Kashi I know you are an ally having a past unlike but not unlike mine. I know you will mostly understand. I worry that my scattered narrative will be confusing.

I don't know about an email...I could write a book on how this experience of facing January trigger dates with no support system to speak of has affected me. Please don't ask me why I didn't reach out....you know that if somebody else is going through something, that trumps whatever **** is going on in my head.

I'm exhausted, and that scares me. I'm doing everything I can, and it isn't enough to keep the crap from swallowing me whole. If I introduce someone new, I feel like I have to hold them up...and 'You can't have an authentic relationship with someone if you feel like you're secretly supporting them.'

We need to have words...please come back soon.

Is it still a relapse if I actually need to lose weight?