Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I know that one so well...

I wanted to add "I miss you" to that email but I didn't. Thank you for emailing me on a sunday and for your thoughtfulness.

I relate to this so much

Dear T,

Apparently I've just lost my last real life friend with who I could talk about anything emotional... paired with



and having to start my thesis tomorrow, I wished I had the courage to ask you for an extra session... but I just asked the last 5 or 6 weeks for one each time, and I just know you won't take me serious anymore if I continue with this... so I probably won't.

Dear T,
Please still come in on Tuesday, even when the schools will inevitably close for an inch or less of snow. I need to talk to you about some stuff...mostly from Friday night...though I'm also a little scared to talk about it, because I don't want to seem like I'm looking for attention or something. But...maybe I do need attention? Just a little worried about some of my thoughts lately...Plus I miss you, even though I saw you Thursday...

And...is it really pathetic that I want you to wish me a happy birthday?
LT

Not pathetic LT I wanted the same thing for my birthday.

On tuesday I'm going to tell you we're not working out anymore, despite you being the best therapist I've ever had. I don't have a real reason, It's just easier to run.

Hugs, Lemon...are you sure you want to do that?

I relate, I'm considering the exact same thing on the same day... although mine is because he is now blowing me off, so boundaries are changing even though he swore they wouldn't. I can't deal with it. Easier to run is right

i am just thankful it isn't on a monday again. oh, the south.

T,

So now you know a lot. You know a lot on my no list to talk about this week. I know it will wind up on your list address. You think Id learn that by now but ya um nope. Why does it need to be the weekend? I need you.

Sorry I have annoyed you, I believed you that things would not change, how stupid, of course they will. They are already. I can't do this anymore, sorry.

Nope, not pathetic. For my last birthday, I took lines from various emails T had sent me and patched together a letter from T and asked her to read it and sign it for me so that she'd give me a present for my birthday.

How's that for asking for a "need" or "want" to be met. Is it pathetic to ask for something we need or want? I know it can feel pathetic, I know I call myself, my wants/needs, or my actions pathetic. Maybe they are not as pathetic as we(me) thinks, but acts of self-loving. At what point does doing something that is self-loving become pathetic even if it can't be met by the person you ask? Is it pathetic just because the person we ask cannot meet the request?
Some things to ponder.

why does it still hurt?

I really wish I could tell you how sick and twisted my brain is. Yiu have no idea how bad off I really am because I keep it hidden. I am too ashamed and will never be able to tell you the whole truth. Who in their right mind would want to hear that ****. If you really knew the truth I'm sure you would dump my hopeless *** the first chance you got. I can't blame you. You are the lucky one. Ignorance is bliss.

You can share whatever you want/need to share. Then again, I can't promise that we are I our right minds . Seriously, if you have something that you need to get out there, feel free to PM me. I'll listen and maybe having a witness will help. I know that nothing is worse than when I am feeling/believing I am the monster that I sometimes think I am and I can't tell anyone the dark thoughts.

I miss you, and I'm sad for no real reason besides, well, life I guess.

Everything is too heavy and I'm breaking. I don't want to get better - I just want to give up on life.

Hey.

Hi.

Hello.

How do you put up with me

I just saw I asked u if you wanted to fite yesterday . Omg wtf??? What is wrong with me.

I didn't email you at all between last session and today's. Do I win a prize? I feel like I should win a prize.

you know you could have ... if you needed to

Thanks, Elio. I do have a big hangup about seeming pathetic. Two sessions ago with T, both when talking about the teacher and MC, I started a story by, "This is going to sound really pathetic, but..." (The one was about keeping a soda can that the teacher had bought me, and the other was listening many times to a voicemail MC had left me a couple years ago.) The second time I was saying it, I realized I'd said the "pathetic" thing again, and was like, "I need to stop prefacing things like that," and T gave this odd little laugh sound, like, "hee!" but higher-pitched--it's hard to explain (he's done it before). Like he's trying to keep from reacting but can't. But anyway, yeah, I worry about being pathetic. MC once told me it's not pathetic to have needs, too, that we all have needs.

I do, indeed
i still want my prize tho lol

Dear Blondie —

I’m sorry I was such an arse.

You’re right — I do take out my anger at my mother on you. Like clockwork.

I guess the only surprising thing about it is that I’m still surprised by it?

Much as you can be annoying, I am kicking myself for how your face completely crumpled when I started to get irritated. I am very sorry.

I figure you’ll be fine — no major damage done, you’re used to it, so on and so forth.

And yet, yeah.

- AY