Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I cheated on you with an ACT T, since you decided to cancel last Friday's session again. Whenever you cancel, I am going to use that time to see cool, hip younger T2, and so there.

See you tomorrow 😀😶😵

Please Jesus make it stop

Hi FM and MLK,

It’s almost two weeks since you’ve heard from me. Is that some kind of record?...just joshing. I’m hot and lazy after long days and nights. Besides, I want to do more than drop you a line to say I made it, I want to send emails with what I’m experiencimg and feeling. People are amazing.

Love,
AttachmentesBueno

ETA: Maybe, the polite thing is to email and let you both know I’m okay and I’ll send substantive emails down the road.

thing 1 - I want you. I miss you. It's not fair.

thing 2 - You're not S. I want S. I don't want you.

It is not so much what you did not know. It is that you did not realize that you did not know. Your absurd assumptions that you did know without asking or checking is one of the areas in which you were a massive failure.

Dear T,
I had that event today. I wasn't feeling well this morning (physically, along with emotionally). I thought about calling to say I couldn't go. That would have been the easier thing to do. But I didn't.
And then, partway through, I had an epic panic attack. Like heart rate of 132 when I was just sitting panic attack (thanks, Fitbit). I wanted to just say I wasn't feeling well and had to leave. But I didn't. Yes, I had to leave the room for a bit. But ultimately, I stuck it out. For all 4 hours.
So that's progress, right? I know we haven't talked much about the panic attacks...but it's a big thing for me. It hasn't happened that much lately, hence my not talking about it much, but did today.
So...yeah, a semi-victory?
LT

Thank you for responding, for being there, for telling me

Is it Tuesday yet? I miss you

I don’t like feeling like I owe you

Dear Info,

I’m having the first bad day I’ve had in weeks, since going on the Pristiq. A couple different things brought it on, partly a novel that is triggering (no, I’m not going to stop reading it) and partly some stuff better explained in person.

I go back and forth on whether to write you or not. Our agreement is that if I write about something like this, you respond along the lines of “hang in there till [next appointment],” which is all I feel I need, but also something I know I’ll do anyway, so why write?

ATAT

To previous T: I’ve been seeing my current T for a year now, and it’s been over 2 years since I saw you. Current t is really good and I like him. So why do I still miss you so much and so often? I think you were the first person I ever felt truly heard and accepted by, I think that’s why. New t does not judge me, but you had a special way of making me feel like I mattered in the world. I miss feeling that way. Your new clients in your new state are so very lucky to have you.

T,
I really need you right now. The depression is killer and my ED thoughts and behaviors are back. I have a panic attack whenever the slightest thing goes wrong. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to go home. I can't handle seven more months like this.
Annie

It’s late.

I know I need to go to bed.

D was a donkey butt tonight and I can’t settle myself.

There is no one else to tell this to.

My youngest saw me crouched in the corner of the kitchen.

I don’t want to be that person for him.

I told the h if he wanted to go away and be done, please do it. Please stop intimidating me with it. Quit giving me empty threats.

That just made him angry and he went away.

Go figure.

You are helping me learn boundaries. This is hard.

I really do want him to go away but you help me understand that he has his issues like I do.

His just seem more volatile than mine. They scare me.

I’m going to bed.

He won’t remember it in the morning.

There ya go. Just like old times.

ARGH! Those feelings are back again. I am drowning.

T

I had another one of those episodes where i wake up in the night and my stomach hurts so I get up and feel like I'm gonna faint and my ears ring really loud . I go numb and tingly and feel like I might barf. Sweat pours down my face . I laid on the cold bathroom floor thinking well this is it

It eventually passed

Ive had these 'episodes' 3 times in the last year. I don't know what it is

Each time I think I'm dying

Dr C,

I saw a beautiful card in a store while looking to buy a thank you card for a friend. It was a simple, stylish card which said "My friend. My anchor." and I wished I'd the tools and skill to modify it to say "My therapist. My anchor."

Who made up all the rules
We follow them like fools
Believe them to be true
Don't care to think them through

And I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry, we do this

And it's ironic too
'Coz what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way

And I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry, we do this

Who are they?
And where are they?
And how can they possibly
Know all this?

Who are they?
And where are they?
And how can they possibly
Know all this?

Do you see what I see?
Why do we live like this?
Is it because it's true
That ignorance is bliss?

Who are they?
And where are they?
And how do they
Know all this?

And I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this

Do you see what I see?
Why do we live like this?
Is it because it's true
That ignorance is bliss?

And who are they?
And where are they?
And how can they
Know all this?

And I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

This has happened to me, too...I thought it could have been a low blood sugar thing (I'm not diabetic, but am sensitive to changes in it), but not sure. Or just a random panic attack--the symptoms you describe sound like how some of mine are. Hope you were able to get some sleep.

Thank u for finally having time for an extra session. I sense u are mad at me though.

Sounds like an anxiety attack. I've had a few of them as well. My vision starts to narrow, I feel like I'm going to faint, my ears start ringing, my hands become numb and tingly, and I start sweating profusely. I vomited once at the end of an episode.

The best way to deal with this is to just lay down - the blood will return to your head and you will come out of it. Google "vasovagal response" to understand the physiology of what's happening.

Or your blood sugar could be low? I carry dextrose tablets with me and pop one into my mouth when I feel faint.

Also not to try and web diagnose you but my partner gets low blood pressure so if she goes from laying down to standing too fast she gets all the symptoms you described. Feel better soon!

I'm the same way. I would like weekly, but not sure I actually *need* weekly and I don't want to ask for it.

I am struggling hardcore to stay 'adult' today. And it's exhausting. I just want to give in and sink into child again.

I think it's the vagus nerve thing too. But I don't understand what triggered it. I woke up and it happened