Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

Dear Dr. S,
Do you remember the words? please say the words next time. Today did not go well. -me

what book?

The Happiness Trap. It's pissing me off. I can't quite figure out why. I don't believe that I should always be happy or should avoid all negative emotions. But it's triggering something.

Hey, I struggle with that too, though I didn't have a homophobic ex T. My Ts have all been Christian and most churches where I am aren't LGBTQ-affirming, so I've had massive trust issues with my ex T and T in addition to my own internalised homophobia and internalised biphobia. I got some relief talking with an LGBTQ affirming T at my local LGBTQ center.

If you'd like to talk, you can shoot me a PM anytime.

Tomorrow T. I'm looking forward to seeing you. I have lots to talk to you about (when don't I?)
À demain.

Dear T,
I should have just emailed you yesterday to ask whether you’d be in today whether or not schools close. Because if you said you would be, I probably wouldn’t be lying awake, obsessively checking the weather...
Hope to see you in 10 hours...
LT

Dear T,

I might actually be starting to believe you care.... you wouldn't tear up over something I said if you didn't....right? I am very confused at the moment. Looking forward to talking about this in session next week.

Dear T

Thank you for not being overly comforting when I was a crying mess today. It feels safer to be vulnerable and show you this side of me if I feel like I don't have to take care of you. And thank you again for offering and insisting that I can contact you outside sessions if I need to. I think I might do that this week.

Dear developmental clinician,

You said you'd let me know by yesterday whether you had a staff meeting today and whether or not you will be coming today. I actually e-mailed you since you neglected to e-mail me but you still haven't answered. I need to plan ahead, it's part of my disability and as a developmental clinician you should know this. If you don't answer soon I think I'll just cancel our session.

-Butterfly

C,

I need to hear from you.
I need us somehow to all be ok and on the same page again.
Or, I need you to tell me that won't happen, so I can grieve.
But, please, don't tell me that won't happen. Just understand. Just somehow understand.

Sorry just seeing this now. Thank you and sorry to hear that.

Thank you for being gentle with me whenever I share past trauma with you. You’re great at being my T, but I still can’t help but wonder, do you care that those things happened to me?

I'm in the same boat as you. I have to read a stupid "positive" book and I find it totally invalidating of people's emotions in general. It is written using all or nothing thinking and it encourages people to label others a negative label if they aren't on board with your goal for the future. It leaves no room for people who have varying ideas. You're either with the program or you're not. It lacks substance and common sense, although eighty percent of amazon readers give it four stars or up. I don't get it?. PM me if you want. I could go on and on and on about it.

Dear T,
Sorry for the e-mail but...you really didn't give me what I needed this session. At all. Pretty sure this is the first time I was crying getting on the elevator...well, at least the first time because of you.

Please say something decent back--please don't say some BS like you're not MC or you're not into reassurance. Like, "Of course I care." or "I support you, and I'm sorry you weren't getting that from me today." And I'm totally up for an additional session instead of a response if you have one--just please don't charge me for e-mail then also a session! (Especially if the e-mail is like 2 sentences, since I think your boundary is over 15 minutes, then you charge).

LT

I think most humans care when they hear about trauma and ts are no different.

Dear T,
Thanks for responding so quickly. This might seem silly or pathetic, but your willingness to say "Of course I care about you" means a lot. Like I know I should just realize that, but sometimes I need to hear it. And I'm not sure that you've actually said those words to me before.
Thanks,
LT

Thanks for being another shining example of why I can't trust people. Jerk

My fear of you is getting worse. I don't see you for another week and already I'm fretting it. This can't be normal. Or good.

T,
I have a really really scary test coming up tomorrow. I've been studying so hard but I'm not sure I will do well. I thought it would help if I told myself "if you pass this test, you will make T proud" (even though of course you wouldn't know if I passed or not) but instead that's making me feel more pressure.
I wish I could talk to you.
Annie

Good luck, annie. I hope you'll let us know how it goes.

Beavers,

Why did they nerf Mercy again?

-argo

Okay, more than a year ago I actually told you you're the most beautiful man in the world. Seems I used to be brave lol.

But can you forget it please? Not because you're not beautiful anymore, you're still mister universe, but because I'm too embarrassed.

See you tomorrow.

It was a privilege to work with me and you "always thought our relationship was solid"? Have you lost your ****ing mind?

I feel 10x worse after reading your email reply to me. I knew it was stupid to reach out for help.