Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

Were u crying ?

I thought you laughed at me but you said no. So maybe you weren't. You said my thinking is starting to go and said I need a prn. But I swear I saw u laugh . You said I should go to bed. Were you tired of me

=[[[[

are you ringing to process feelings?

T,
I did well these two weeks and was able to keep you in a positive light. Thus far. There's still time. . . I think I will make it, though.
me

T,
My college team just beat your college team. If I were home, I know we would be joking about it. Kinda wish I could call you right now so could have our usual sports banter. But I can't. It sucks.
Annie

Dear BD

Thanks for responding to my save-the-date email. Yes, I ‘may’ wear a dress, but it won’t be white. Yu know black is one of my favorite colors... so all my recent shrinkers willl be there. I think I’ll disperse you among the tables with my blessing to tell the truth about how we met. I’m sure that will make it an early evening for my FOO. Please, also feel free to explain that it is because of our hard work, yours and mine (plus two more), that made the ocassion possible. They will probably be doing mental math in their heads as to how much of their money went to you. So please, definitely dress to the nines or at least like a high-class call girl. You know me, I still like to mess with them.

i miss you already, omg... i hate weekly.

that was the best joke ever too. i am still laughing. you are amazing.

help....

T3: I am mad at the receptionist who decided that she (or her supervisor) was the one to make the call about whether I should come to session with shingles. I don't really care what they think. I just wanted to be sure that YOU are ok with it.

I find that I am rather distressed by missing the session. Which is weird. I have never felt bad like this before with you. I mean, I get it all the time with T1. But you?

So does this mean that I am attached to you? Lord, I hope not. I don't even want to go there. It feels like I am disappointed that I am not going to get the help that I want. Which makes me wonder if all of my "too attached" stuff with T1 was really about needing help and thinking he could deliver. Because that's where I am with you.

I guess I need to learn about what it really means to be attached, what it means to be needy, what it means to trust someone. I am going to try to stick with "isn't this interesting". See you next week, despite what the receptionist says.

I don't wanna do this anymore. I want out. Of everything. I can't stomach the humiliation, shame, and guilt this all is bringing me.

Do you hate me now?

Yes, basically all the distress feelings... And it helped--plus, he stayed on the phone for over an hour...which to me suggested he really cares...

Dear MC,
Thanks for the call and staying on the phone so long--pretty sure it was over an hour. You seemed to really listen and process what I was saying. Your apologies and understanding meant a lot to me. What you gave helped immensely.
Thanks,
LT

Dreams.

I usually have these weird dreams that don't really mean anything, or I have dreams that I know but I can't remember them and that makes me feel weird.

We talked about some pretty serious stuff last night.

I dreamed about you.

I can't remember what it was all about, but what I remember about you was that it was comforting.

It felt safe and there was a feeling that I was ok.

Thank you!

i feel like we've been pulling apart my childhood a pebble at a time ('cos that's all i could handle) and now i'm at a point where i just kinda wanna pull out the pebble that could bring the whole lot down.

it's scary, and it's also empowering. unlike my childhood, i have all the control now. i can pull that pebble; i can leave it where it is for a while longer; i can pull some more of the other pebbles around it. i can say nothing; i can say something; i can say ALL THE THINGS.

it's my choice, my decision. and while i know we're doing a lot of this work together, it's also my therapy. i'm ready to shake things up a bit, and i hope you'll be there for it.

Thank you for writing the letter

And for checking to see if we can do 2x a week again

I think you might actually be able to help me.

T- please, please, please respond to me tonight. It's getting late.

Usually dropping off a letter makes me feel better but today it made me feel worse.

I should of just held it in til tomorrow.... because now I feel ignored.

T. Last time I was there we talked about that initiation thing. And you said I can't say no cuz if I did I would get sick or something.

Is that what is happening now? My furnace breaking, then h going in the hospital, now my car won't start.

BUT I DIDN'T SAY NO, DAMN IT!!! I'm about to crack.

I feel as though there is too much to say. I'm having difficulty prioritising it all, but know that I won't fit everything into an hour. At the same time, I don't want to plan it, because I'll end up with three sessions' worth of stuff, that I definitely won't fit into an hour.

((Lost)) how long has it been since you've seen R? I felt very similarly after my T's three week holiday this month. But I went in with a list of things I wanted to say and didn't even need it in the end, it happened organically and everything that needed to be said was said.

Perhaps it might be good to do something creative? I know you like to draw sometimes? You can pack a lot of thoughts and feelings into a single drawing!

Our last session was on the 21st of December, then she had a family emergency a few days before our scheduled next session (11th Jan) which took her away for two weeks. (The worst two weeks...all three January anniversaries coincided with her absence.)

I made a collage, which I will possibly use as a starting point.

Agh, that's such bad timing. You have done so well to get through it.

The collage sounds like an excellent starting point!

Nope.. they have no connection with what your T said. It's just life. Life happens -- for better or worse. And as you said, you didn't say no... so that means it all happened with a maybe, when the time is right, yes ... answer.