Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

morning
*hug*
kbye

Please give me a real response and please don't leave it until monday.


EDIT: Perhaps I should be happy that you just replied, and maybe i'm just being ungrateful, but I wanted more than to just be told that you would be thinking of me and would be there for me on tuesday. I don't want to pay for a session to sort out the rupture you helped create.

---

"I don’t understand yesterday’s session.

Maybe I’m too sensitive but these comments in particular stood out for me:

“Wow I guess you've got your answer and don't need my help. It's a shame being a wolf means being an asshole “

“See- how you attempt to increase your dependency on me.”

I don’t feel like you really listened to me. I never said that I was quitting. I did tell you at the start I didn’t think taking a break before the exam was a good idea. I wanted you to say it was okay to change my mind, but you didn’t pick up on that. I’ve told you that I feel lower than my normal and that all of this takes a lot out of me. I feel you were harsh and didn’t handle the session well, and how is it any different from your breaks?

You blamed me for attempting to increase dependency, but was it not inevitable and encouraged right from the start ? Is it really so surprising when you’re the only one I have to really talk to? I wanted reassurance because I don’t trust my own mind right now.

The random fact question wasn’t about control. It was about wanting to know you like I’ve said before. I wanted you to tell me that you cared about me and that I did matter to you. That I wasn’t just the 10.40 am slot. That we could fix our relationship but – that maybe we just needed more time. But perhaps all of that is nothing but a fantasy too. "

S

I'm sorry but counter-transference is still not a reason to act unprofessional! I am so close to hating you!

Thank you for being patient with me and not giving up on me. Most people would of blown me off by now. This is weird to get used to.

Where r u
Why do you hate me

jDNA, your T does not hate you. He never has, and he's not about to start now. Breathe.

They said he does. And idk. Maybe he does. =[

The voices typically lie to you, you know.
I don't, though. And neither does your T.
He's told you many times he doesn't hate you. That's still true.
Your T doesn't hate you. I promise.

I wish they would GO AWAY. Forever

I think everyone wishes that for you too

Aww, DNA. They're lying. He cares about you deeply.

Dear New T,
I really like you. I think we'll be able to work well together.

I love you very much. But you know that.

Dear Blondie --

I don't know where this is coming from but I'm increasingly feeling like I'm breaking up with the motherland as a whole.

It seems I can't bear to keep up with what's happening there or listen to the music or answer anyone's simple questions or even think of anything related to the culture without feeling like I'll be felled by some unfathomable pain.

And, I don't know how to make you understand how ungrounded that's making me feel.

I fear you'll either stay silent or attempt to tie it back to my distancing myself from my family (which yes, could play a role but not all of it) or, somehow remind me of (something I know all too well) the violent misogyny there.

So yeah, I don't know if this is a cause or a symptom of my increasing sense of alone-ness.

I wish we could talk about how we talk (or don't) about this stuff.

- AY

Hi Dr. S,
I'm glad to be feeling again. I love you and miss you. I hope you have a good weekend.

Love,
me

Dear t

Moo

Well, now I see that it could be true that some other client might have liked it and even found it useful if you talked at them in the way you confused and frustrated the crap out of me. Boggling - and completely enforcing the idea that neither of us understood the other ever- but still. That time you told me you did not think like I did - it looks like a lot of people don't.

d....
d....
d....
are you still there?
do you still love me?

hey t. thanks for the recipes today. it surprised me to see an email from you, i was sure i imagined it haha. that was really nice.

Oh Dr. S, - I'm doing this project at work with someone that has the same first name as you. Every time I get an email from them and read that first name, I think for a moment it is you. Sometimes it feels good to think of you, sometimes it feels bad because it is not you. Moments like these I do wish email was more causal. I know I need it to not be. I need it to be what it is, I need your response to be that consistent flow - to the point that I can almost write your response for you. I think that is part of the internalization of you. So thank you,

Missing you is all.

me

Dear T,
Miss you. Though it's good to know that you care (even though I could tell you did--though wasn't so sure Tuesday--it was nice to read the words...).
LT

Edited to add: Also good to have the words to look back on when I'm doubting it in the future (I'd say "if" but the doubt is fairly inevitable, I think...)

Dear MC,
Apparently don't miss you because I discussed with H postponing Monday's session, and then he e-mailed you to do that. And so far, I haven't felt any regret about that...
LT

Thank you for my 50th hug today. I still can not believe such a thing is even in my vocabulary, considering where I was with hugs not that long ago.

will I ever stop hearing your voice in my head?

T I am glad we don't email or text because if we did I would be doing that today and feeling even worse while waiting for a response from you. But I will tell you here.
I am really struggling to keep myself together today. I am switching out a lot. Very little, very tearful, very distressed. I can't contain it. I can't find a way away from it. I am struggling to breathe.
I know if I could email you or text you there is nothing you could do to help this anyway. So it doesn't matter. This won't be forever. I just have to find a way to ride it out until this passes.
T this hurt is so very big.

People ignore me. But it's okay. I don't deserve anyone's attention.

I love you and I'll miss you. I'm sorry