How do you and your therapist connect?

As I was writing in the thread how old is your t, I got to thinking does-age and generations matter?
To me it does matter, I don’t want to see a really old t who doesn’t understand computers or sexuality or things that are ever changing.
I remember having one session with a partially deaf woman in her late 60’s.
I had to keep repeating and explaining things to her.
I told her I was gay yet she kept referring to my ex as ‘him’. It really annoyed me.
Current t is pretty well up on this generation, she has children my age, she does yoga, meditation and is quite good on computer, answering emails, texts.
I don’t think it would matter with t because we connect at a deeper level.
Just wondering how you connect with your t?

My T is my exact age, generation, and educational level etc. The plusses are a frame of reference and that Gen X sense of making friends into family . The drawback is a certain level of competition over points etc and a feeling of sometimes taking down the 4th wall of the frame and other times keeping it strict that causes confusion.

I feel closer when we are sitting on the floor together and there is some kind of touch. But I have only ever felt true deep mutual connection once so far.

This is something I've had difficulty with , mainly around trust and doubt issues and being vulnerable and feeling safe. T and I just talked about this in session funnily enough.

I don't think I would be able to connect with T is she were significantly older than me. I do think it's important to be able to connect around things we have in common and I guess that could happen if she were older, but it feels easier to see her as a "friend" vs a "mentor" to use lay terms.

In all honesty though, the deepest connection is when I'm open to feeling heard and validated and she's able to do that right at that moment. It's a strange feeling, but actually pretty powerful.

My T is in his late 50's, or he might be I don't know his exact age. I think he is on his way to 60 soon though.

I understand your point about having a significantly older therapist, I guess the same can be said for having a very young therapist.

I am in my late 30s and I have had the same T for 11 years and we connect magnificently. I am very lucky in that sense, because I honestly don't know how I would have made it through if I kept changing T's all the time.

The being said, my T doesn't know much about computers or pop culture, but he does know how to LISTEN. I think that speaks volumes of how good a therapist is when it comes down to it.

I am in my late 40's. T is in her late 60's. We have been working together for 10 yrard. I like that she is older because has lose experiences so understands what I am going through. I think it is helpful because mom died when I was in my 20's. We do email and texting which helps with our connection.

EMDR T is 40. I my been seeing her a few months. We discussed last appointment that I really struggle with te5ust. As much as I want to trust her I can't fully yet so we need to work on building our relationship first

My T is 10 years older than me. We connect thru our dark weird humor and being silly together ...and by talking about current events and religion because we have similar views, as well as books and movies and music

My T is 40 and I’m 34. I like there’s not a big age difference, although this wasn’t a criteria when I was looking for a T. I had no idea until our first meeting that we have children close in age—I have a 4 year old son, T has a 3 year old son. Having sons of similar ages has been delightful, I love talking about parenting and stages our children are going though.

Besides that, we’re both originally from the east coast but now live on the west coast, so T gets it when I talk about how I’ll always be a yankee at heart. Maybe partially because of being from the east coast, but T and I both have a similar dry, sarcastic sense of humor. We both also connect over our shared love of reading—the only times my T writes anything down is when I mention a particularly great book, I also love getting the occasional book recommendation from him.

Overall though, this coincidences are nice and helped us connect on a surface level, but mutual interests alone wouldn’t have kept me coming back in therapy for these past 7 months. I think a deeper connection was forged with time and with my T’s kindness, empathy, and genuine nature. I appreciate that he’s always his same stable self, that I have the same gentle, kind T each week.

yay for sitting on the floor we do too. i love it

When I started with my T (who is approaching 70 in few years) I also thought that he is too old and couldn't possibly understand me. It was very far from truth. What I've come to understand over the years I've worked with him is that he does not feel himself old and through working with him I've also started to think differently about older people in general.

My T has no problem with email and computers. Ok, he doesn't use facebook but I think that is very wise of him, considering his profession. But he has is professional web page that he keeps up to date and where he publishes articles about things that are important to him etc.

He can also freely talk about any subject regarding sex or sexuality. I think earlier in our treatment he hypothesised that I could be gay without knowing it myself. So, when we talked about something regarding sex or when I discussed some of my experiences (especially those that were really bad) he on several occasions like almost passing on innocently asked "but what about women? could it feel different with them?".

So, this was not really answering the question of this topic but rather I wanted to say that experience of working with my older T as been very useful for me for understanding that the age number really doesn't mean anything. Regarding connection, not being able to connect with people is one of my biggest issues and we definitely don't manage to connect every session. I guess when we do connect it happens because that he manages to say something that touches me deeply. It's not related to age at all.

Well. Age doesn't equate too your genralisations you've quoted.
My T is 63. Still does uni courses. Runs a club for children with language issues. Is very tech savvy. Is very aware of others religion and sexuality.
Perhaps connecting to a highly skilled therapist is the issue here.

Just because your t does the above does not make her highly skilled and since you have been in therapy for over 12 years with her and continually come in her to belittle people, judge and put others down- I would consider looking at your own therapy and not others!

How did you feel about your t hypothesising about your sexuality? Did that fit for you at the time or now?
I think it’s more than age and religious factors, there is a level of intimacy that you are both comfortable with too. You must have a good relationship with your t. I remember somebody suggesting I wasn’t gay before and I felt like punching them in the face because I didn’t really know them enough for them to say that.

Mine is 25 years older than me. I am in my early forties. I can't connect easily with her due to all the usual issues with trust, but she waits patiently and openly for me. Aside from the therapeutic relationship, I think we share some key aspects - for example, we are both lesbians and have broadly similar politics - which helps me assume a certain understanding. Actually, now that I think of her it makes me sad that I can't readily connect because everything is in place for that to happen.

Sometimes when we are too similar it’s hard to connect. The less we know the better, I speak from my heart em experiences with my t only. When she disclosed a lot about herself recently it drove me away from her because I knew on some level she had too much going on in her personal life and couldn’t support me.
I wonder because you are both lesbians does that prohibit you from connecting? I ask because I would have real difficulty connecting with a lesbian t being a lesbian myself. I would be terrified of getting close or connecting and of attachment.

Well, I'm quite certain even now that I'm not gay. Maybe I might have some bisexual tendencies but nothing like what I would like to actively explore.

It is my interpretation based on his questions that he might have hypothesised about my sexuality, he never voiced any hypothesis explicitly. How did I feel? I don't think I felt in any particular way because I just blocked these questions at that time. I guess I wasn't ready to really explore my sexuality then (and I'm not even now), the material we have been working with over the year is much more young and primitive and the adult sexuality is just a too advanced topic even now. Back then he did not know that yet (I guess I didn't know either).

But I think I was relieved him asking these questions. It just gave me confidence that he is comfortable talking about all kinds of things and he wouldn't be afraid to ask me something if that would be too difficult to approach myself.

I think the judgement started with you. Equating old to being unable to understand the here and now.
I come in to add some sense to some of the senseless twaddle posted here.

Maybe you shouldn't

Most people want a T a lot older than they are. T's age doesn't matter to me except when I think that she wasn't alive when John F. Kennedy was shot, whereas I was in high school! But she's in her 50's and I'm in my 60's so she can relate to my issues just fine. We both have adult daughters, both lost our husbands though in different ways, and our mothers are both deceased. We both paint. We are the same religion.

The above is nice, but the real way we connect has nothing to do with what we have in common. We connect in the session by being present with each other, as T likes to say, "being felt". I used to feel that when I held her hand but we don't hold hands anymore. When I "go away", or dissociate, she brings me back to the present and our connection. It doesn't matter what I talk about; if I'm present with her, I feel it. If I talk too fast, I don't feel connected. T is always encouraging me to slow down and maintain eye contact with her so I can stay with the connection.

Oh I think I should. Or this forum would be an extension of Alice in wonderland.

This forum doesn't really need someone to come on here and bully people imo

"Adding sense" does not equal "bullying". People can ask questions and have different opinions. In therapy, good questions are often uncomfortable. Please, lets stop the name calling and finger pointing. This is not the U.S. White House!

I don't know. I did not see any bullying in Mouse's post. Just an attempt to point out something. Someone not liking it doesn't make it bullying to my mind.

I am mostly referring to mouses previous posts on her old account