Worst session ever, needing support

I doubt it is so black and white - from all the friendly engagement in the past and now no interest. I am sure that he found the interactions with you rewarding if he shared so much personal stuff and behaved in a causal way. Probably he realized now that he made a professional mistake and is trying to undo it - I think it is quite common in Ts, there have been many posts about situations like that here on PC. They rarely admit it to the client because that would make their errors very clear. I would also say is you find the therapy with him helpful (not just due to the friend-like interactions), try to focus on the issues you want addressed. If it remains too painful and frustrating even after some time, I would maybe try to find someone else and not get into a similar interactions with them if possible, especially if your therapy goal is to work on phobias, where dissecting the relationship with the T is not really relevant.

DP -- I'm so sorry your T screwed up so badly. That sucks.

But I guess this is one reason why boundaries are a good idea in therapy. I have often resented it. But now I think it's probably a good thing.


Also, this is so true!

Me too. I think this is a common phenomenon with people who have been placed (or placed themselves) in positions of power, agency, control, etc.

They seem to send mixed messages by kind of loosening boundaries, then suddenly over-tightening them like wandering out of the lane of traffic, ***over-correcting*** and then skidding out of control. The problem is, it seems sudden and harshly restrictive to clients, kids, employees.

I am so sorry that your therapy has sent you into this skid. I ache for you because I have been there before and can certainly understand where you are. Please keep posting and take care of You (and your dog!).

I feel your pain. Definitely! I've been there. Still dealing with it. I'm afraid I always will. It has been three years. My T was so different then, she "loved" me, and told me so. She sat by me, letting me cry on her shoulder, we would text. She gave me nice, long hugs. Then, like the flip of a switch, she ended it. I'm still with this T. Due to my attachment, I'm sure. I don't feel like she cares about me like she did three years ago. I was actually a person three years ago. I felt special. Now I feel like a client. This broke my heart. Shattered my world.

Then I found a T to hopefully help me deal with the abandonment and rejection I felt from T1. T2 ended up being amazing. Loving and caring, we did good work together. Then we had a disagreement about my treatment plan, and eventually, she kicked me out. Without even letting me have a termination session. So now, I'm hurt by T2 as much as I was T1. I seriously can barely handle it. But stupid me, I still go. Now spend a lot of time with T1 crying about T2. I'm beyond hurt. Both Ts made me feel special.

One thing I've learned is that my life kind of goes by how therapy goes. If I feel safe and comfortable in therapy, I feel the same outside in the real world. If the therapeutic relationship sucks and I feel all alone, I'm alone in my life, too. So, my life feels pretty empty.

Anyway, I know how you feel! I'm sorry!

Yikes, that hits too close to home... although he has not changed boundaries on me... he was still willing to text me Fri like always but I'm going in instead. Better convo to have in person.

He just says that the texting/email will end at some point but the problem is, last week he told me no boundaries ever change when ending...so it really confused me.

I am not sure I'd stay with my T for years after, you are brave for sure.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My damage was not from attachment so much as idolization, which the co-therapists encouraged. When I announced my termination, their haughty condescension boiled over to outright vitriol and brutality.

My "recovery" is realizing emotionally there was nothing divine about these people--they're merely someone's classmates who took a bunch of classes and hung shingles.

I think the unique role playing of therapy creates potential for damage. No one holds authority over anyone else in the situation, and it's distorting to create that illusion.

For those who've been through this, serious questions

How on earth do you stop these annoying T feelings? I'm so tired of it, it just intensifies and hurts more and more. I don't want to feel anything for someone who doesn't care about me.

Also how do you ever deal with the actual end? Being cut out of their lives? Replaced by other clients? How heck do you mentally manage that

Time.
Tears.
New support systems.
There's no easy way through. You just have to endure. One foot in front of the other when you can. Inch along on your belly when you can't.

I can somewhat relate, I have been in a similar situation but it wasn’t with a T.

You’re not going to like my answer but only way to stop those feelings for me was to be taken away from the situation and the person. It wasn’t my choice, and rationally I knew it was a right thing to do, but I didn’t have a strength myself to do it. It was painful, I was mad, depressed and everything else but only with time and being away I could see it for what it really was and how much it was hurting me and others and staying in the situation I was only prolonging the pain. It’s one of the reason that got me in therapy and thanks to my good professional therapist I am able to see what happened and that it wasn’t all my fault.

I know it’s not the same but you remind my of myself back then and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I think we can prolong our own pain and actually make it worse when we wont fully accept the reality of the situation.

A T can love their client dearly but at the end of the day they are your T, not your friend, lover or parent. You are their client. If a T says yes to being friends straight after termination then I don't believe that is a good thing. As someone else pointed out, you dont go to therapy to make a friend.

I struggle as much as anyone with transference, if not more so, and to keep wanting something that is not realistic only makes the pain worse. You cant make yourself not want something but you can tell yourself the truth of the situation and learn to let your hope for something more, die. It is a slow process. And painful.

Thanks for all the feedback and support everyone. I'll do my best to get through things, as tough as it is.

I do really regret telling him and feel like I should have waited until things were actually ending but ending therapy was a topic at hand and it just happened. I worry I've ruined things and it will be weird and such now, but we will see.

As I've been writing my notes about what I'm feeling to discuss on Friday, I've began to realize so many unresolved issues are surfacing, no wonder I'm feeling overwhelmed and sick. Hopefully we can find a way to help me through it.

How did your session go today?

It went fine. I asked all the hard questions, teared up a bit. He says he thinks trying art therapy, like coloring or whatever during session might be good for me since its easier to talk about hard things when you are a bit distracted. He wants to work more on attachment issues and my self worth. He says if i choose not to continue, he wont be upset, he understands.... it's my choice.

He answered everything, which was good but what's annoyingly weird is I asked what is appropriate after therapy contact then.... he said texting, email, phone on occasions, or popping in for a visit.... all of that is exactly what I asked about and he said it was all ending at some point, so I'm confused but didn't wanna argue about the friend issue anymore.

He was casual and friendly, I laughed a bit but it felt different, I think the bond we spent all the time building wont be the same anymore. Not because of him but because of me. I'm struggling to see him the same. I can't help but constantly think of how I am replaceable.

One good thing was that I asked about the terms of therapy, cuz he has said before that short term is what most people do. Then I told him I asked because it makes me feel like he is trying to get rid of me and he said, well, my record is 3 years and that guy just decided to come back for a 4th year, so please don't feel that way. It was not my intention, I was merely saying on average its between 8-10 for most people.

I asked him if I'm fixable, he said he didn't think I was broken. It went ok but the only annoying part is that how to get past attachment to him is attaching to others so he wants me to meet other therapists etc there or asked if I would consider co therapy sessions or a presentation with someone who does therapy. That seemed weird to me. I highly doubt I'll attach to anyone else, I can't attach to women, I've never been able to and I struggle to make friends with guys let alone anything else but who knows

It went ok, I'll probably go back, try the art thing. See if it helps because I do struggle so much with emotions. Hard for me to talk about them.

He still hugged me so there's that. I thanked him for not giving up on me because I'm used to that from people.

I'm glad it went well, and you aren't feeling as bad as you were, even if it's not like it was...at least not yet. Interestingly, my therapist said the same thing about the 8 sessions, and I took it the same way--like maybe he was trying to get rid of me. Probably what it really means is that most clients get tired of therapy after that many sessions. Or run out of money.

Therapy is hard work, especially in periods like this one through which you are fighting. Sometimes I cant believe how much courage it takes, and energy. It doesn't surprise me many people don't last, but I wish T's would hold dear the effort and loyalty of those who do.

Mine kind of said this, he was talking about down the road if I ever quit and went back if I would prefer a woman etc and I was like, are you kidding? I can't handle this, its too much, I wont do it again when we finish

He said that's one of the top reasons people quit, its too much for them, he then told me, he was not gonna be upset if I wanted to quit or see someone else and I told him I'd try it still and he was impressed with that.

I sometimes feel like I've actually gone crazy since I started therapy

I completely empathize with that feeling if actually having gone crazy since starting therapy. I have always been put together on the outside, and just kind of daydreamy with childhood trauma( who knew dissociated from it?). Since taking down defenses , and facing facts, it is so much harder for me to function.

I am so so attached to my T while we struggle with many of the same dynamics as you and your T, in the sense of it feels like there is a bond from all the confiding, but it means much more to me than my T.

I told him I didn't think he had skin in the game . That is the one thing that got through to him, and he said how much he did care. Ironically, I was so upset, I barely felt the words.

There's something natural about humans confiding in humans, but the therapy part dismantles the naturaalness in hope of wringing more healing out of there process . it is a very hopeful idea, but it has some problems

Do you mind if i ask how long you felt very attached? Nice to know I'm not alone but it's still so hard. I hate how my bond we had feels different now. I can't help but think its fake and I'm replaceable. It's so hard to deal with

Me too: I definitely lost ground that I have yet to regain. I am also very attached to T1; have been for years and probably still will be for years to come. Sometimes that is ok, sometimes not.

I'm glad it went fine.

What are the questionable things you mentioned he did earlier? Just being casual and friendly or something serious?

I mean if they are definite misconduct then be careful.

Not comfortable saying here, but for sure overly friendly.... I can DM you a few examples but he wont do anything, I'm not worried about sexual anything as he wont even allow me to touch him beyond a hug.... and I would never report him anyway so the what doesn't really matter.

Got and answered your message, and I do agree with you that he has not acted in a professional manner :/