Is avoiding to choose a female T, so that I don't have to deal with maternal transfer

I'm a 22 y/o girl. I come from a dysfunctional family, which is one of the reasons that led me to struggle with mental health from a very young age.

When I was a child my father was phsysically absent for the most of the time because of his job. When he was home he used to be physically and emotionally abusive towards me and my mother.
My mother took care of me when it came to basic physical needs, but she was emotionally absent and she wouldn't do anything to protect me and herself from the abuse. In fact, I had no option but to become her emotional support from very young age. She always looked very fragile and vulnerable, and I felt like I was responsible of taking care of her. This led me to not having any kind support myself.

I remember getting too attached to teachers since I was like 5, and since then I've been constantly looking for a mother figure in every adult woman that I had the chance to get close to.
I'm an adult myself now and I still struggle with this. I often feel intimidated by women that seem "strong, secure, independet..." (and all the things I needed my mother to be when I was a child), and it's almost like I go back to a stage where I feel like I'm still that helpless little girl.

I was in therapy for 4 years until like a year ago. As you can probably imagine, I got too attached to my therapist and this made me feel more hopeless and stuck, and it made recovery harder. It was a very painful experience and it didn't end up well.

Since I quitted, I've been working with my Pdoc and I've come a very long way, but I still miss my ex-T at the times when I'm feeling the most vulnerable.

After a year trying to get better on my own and with my Pdoc's help, I've decided that it could be beneficial for me to try some different sort of therapy than the one I was doing before I quitted.

The thing is, I'm going through a delicate period of my life lately and I'm already feeling very vulnerable (which makes it more likely for me to seek for a mother figure or long for someone who will make me feel safe). I'm very scared about this. I don't want it to happen again because I don't feel like I'd be able to go through all of that again without relapsing into depression and self-destructive behaviors.

However, the other day someone from my support group told me that if I have this problem with women (specially authority figures -which is how I used to look at my ex T -), I should try to overcome it by developing a secure attachment with a female T instead of running away from it.
I feel like it would be much more difficult for me to feel secure and open up in this kind of situation, but I also wish this story could stop repeating itself someday. Any opinions?

My personal belief is that parental transference is possible with either gender T. That it has more to do with the needs and the people involved. If you are not ready to address those issues then I'd suggest trying to stay with a modality that is very clear cut - DBT, CBT, EMRD. That doesn't mean the transference won't occur, it just shouldn't be a big focus of the therapy.

How do you think you would feel working with a male therapist? Would you feel safe? Since you had a female therapist last time, maybe working with a male would be the type of change you need. Or you might try a young female therapist--someone you would see as more of an equal.

It is pretty likely though that no matter who you choose there will be some transference or at least attachment. It seems to be pretty inevitable, especially if you work with someone longer term, and you "click" with them. But without that feeling of connection, it's harder to make progress.

The only thing that I've found that makes the pain less intense...and by pain I mean the longing between sessions, etc...is to have as many supports as you can outside of therapy. Friends that you can hang out with help, even if you can't share your deepest secrets with them. Posting here helps. It sounds like your support group could be a big help too. I just think you don't want to have a therapist as your only support if you decide to go back.

I would reply to this but our responses can and will be used on someones blog post or article for their website. This thread can be found on google and is for public viewing.

So I will just hug you instead.

It's hard to say. As others have mentioned, it's possible to develop a strong maternal/paternal attachment to either gender of T. As for being able to work through it, I think much depends on whether the T feels comfortable with that sort of work and how good a fit he/she is for you. You may just have to try out a new T (or maybe 2 or more) to see what feels right. Would you consider trying a male T?

I relate to your post. Although I agree with what the others said about it being possible for there to parental transference onto a T of any gender, I think for some people, it's much more likely to happen with one specific gender. I, for example, have never experienced paternal transference with anyone, yet I also experienced maternal transference to various figures from a young age. Due to the nature of my trauma experiences, I don't feel able to work with a male therapist (at least not yet), so that's why I've stuck with female T's and pdocs (with one exception for family therapy with male T who was great and I didn't have transference with). It seems like you might want to try having a male T because you are highly susceptible to the maternal transference. I think that's a wise idea. The worst that could happen is that you find yourself having transference with the male T - and it sounds like that's a certainty with a female T, so you might as well try.

As for secure attachment healing the void inside you where a mother should be (my own description for how it feels for me), that was not my experience. I was/am securely attached to my previous long-term T of 12 years, but that didn't "fix" me. Unfortunately, the security of that attachment does not seem to affect me now that I've moved away from her (I can still call her and see her when I visit). The longing that had become muted over time as a result of our relationship is back. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'd be cautious about hoping that a relationship that by its very nature must be limited in time and scope can actually heal this issue. However, that's just my opinion based on my own experience, so please take with a grain of salt.

I am confident posting here because those who steal content will be sued by me personally. They know who they are.

That out of the way, dear OP, do you have a preference for a female t? I personally have a strong preference for a male because an early abuser was female. Some people have no preference or even have issues with both.

If you feel a pull or craving to have a female t it may be an opportunity to heal these early issues. The problem only comes when the “fit” is not a good one. If you need a mother figure and you have a cold and clinical cal therapist things will not go well.

Can you interview therapists and see what your gut feeling is? Maybe try interviewing s guy too? But I do agree with Elio- even a male therapist can feel like s parent so there may be no avoiding it. On the plus side, from my own experience, male therapists can be very kind and nurturing.

Hi Snowflake, I am sorry this attachment stuff has been so painful for you. I’m sure it must have taken tremendous strength and courage for you to let go and leave your last T relationship. I just wanted to say that I can relate to what you’re going through... I’m in my early 20s as well and have struggled with growing attached to older women (teacher, mentors, and especially T’s) since I was a little girl. I’m here if you want someone to talk to, or if you wanna shoot me a PM.

I relate a whole lot to your post. Our precise family dynamics are different, obviously, but I also have looked up to teachers (and other mentor type relationships) as mother figures from a very young age. I would get very attached to the point of getting hurt. Now I have the same problem with therapists.
I don't feel safe seeing a male therapist, so I see a female therapist. Something that has helped is seeing a young therapist. My therapist is only 30 (I'm 20), so it's more difficult to see her as a mother figure since she is only 10 years older. I still have some transference, but it is not as bad.
Sending hugs to you, friend. Feel free to PM me if you ever need anything or want to talk.

Also, if you start seeing a new therapist, this is something I would bring up right away. Therapists know how to deal with transference, and if you attack it head on maybe you can avoid the hurt.

Thank you everyone for your responses
The title of the thread was supposed to be “Is avoiding to choose a female T, so that I don’t have to deal with maternal transference a good idea?”; but I posted it from my mobile and now it seems like I can’t change it.
(Also, sorry for the mess with replying. I hadn’t been in PC in ages and now I’m not sure how to multi-quote or how some things work…)

I agree on bringing it up right away, which is what I did with my current T--though part of why I started seeing him was to help me deal with transference for my marriage counselor, so he obviously knows it can be a thing for me.

The other thing is, if a T is *not* comfortable dealing with transference, it's better to know that early on instead of after you've already started feeling that.

Thanks for your advice I'm aware that it can happen with either gender, but given my previous experince and my tendency to seek for a mother figure, I think it would more likely to happen with a female T.
The modality that I'm currently interested in trying is Gestalt. I think transference can be a big focus with this kind of therapy, but I think it could be beneficial for me right now, after having tried different things.
I'd be interested in trying DBT too, but there aren't that many professionals specialized on it in my country.

Thank you so much for your replies. I’ve never worked with a male T before, but I do belive that I would feel safe (at least that’s the impression that I have now). Although of course things could turn out different than I expect once I try this. I do agree that transference could occur in either case.

I think feel more secure around men in general in my personal life, (as when it comes to friends or opening up to someone).
I feel that way with the poeple in my support group too. I don’t feel as vulnerable and I don’t get as obsessed with the idea that they will leave.

And yes, I have the option to interview different therapists. I agree that this is something important to do, because I made the mistake to pick the first one that was recommened to me in the past; and stayed with her for too long even though therapy wasn’t working.

I contacted a therapy center that someone I trust recommended me, and I think I have the possibility to choose between a few professionals that work there. I’m waiting for them to message me back but I’ll let you know how it goes

Thank you! *hugs back* Feel free to send me a private message if you feel like talking about it.

Thank you both very much it was very validating to read your responses and it helps to know that I’m not alone.

I’m still not sure why, but I’ve felt ashamed to talk about this topic for the most of my life. Now that I have a better understanding and I know where it comes from, I feel more able to comfront it and work on it... And of course hearing about other people’s experiences and opinions is always helpful.

Personally I’m not sure I’d feel that comfrotable seeing a younger therapist. The fact that I didn’t have a good experience with my previous and T and some other health professionals makes me feel quite doubtful about anyone I see, and it takes me longer than before to trust them. I think that I’d feel more secure knowing that they have more experience.

Also,this my sound kind of stupid but I feel frustrated with the fact that I had to quit studying due to my mental health and didn’t have the chance to go to uni like all my friends. So I tend to feel inferior to people sometimes. I feel like seeing a younger therapist could trigger these feelings and that I would constanlty be comparing myself to her. though I'm glad you found an alternative that works for you

Yeah, If I get the chance to interview a few different proffesionals, I'll definitely try to bring this up before choosing who I want to see. thank you

I totally understand wanting your T to have more experience.
And that frustration is not stupid at all! I can see why seeing a young therapist would trigger those feelings. I myself sometimes feel insecure and inferior to my T, because she has a PhD, and that was a goal I used to have before I realized that my mental illness will pretty much make that impossible. I hope you can find an older T who will not trigger those feelings, who you can talk openly about transference with!