Cancellations

If someone has a serious accident and are unconscious. Otherwise I don't think it's okay by anyone, be it professional or personal. Notifying someone via email, text or a quick phone call only takes a few seconds and I can't think of any situation apart from not being awake that justifies not doing it.

Is there something specific that you think you did wrong that makes you think he is angry at you or is this just kind of a feeling that there *might* be something because of the way he has responded or not responded in texts? Either way, it might be something to bring up with him. I know sometimes we think people are mad when they are actually not.

He's told me a few times that I am responsible for creating a wedge between us by being too negative. Whenever he does that, I have a hard time talking to him outside of session because I don't always have only positive things to say. But if too many days go by without us talking outside of session, he seems to get upset and think I am ignoring him.

I thought sessions were the one place where it was safe to just be me - negative, positive, whatever.

Sounds like your T needs to control his own counter-transference. Supervision or consultation could help. He definitely shouldn't be taking things out on you like this.

He thinks *you're* ignoring *him*? Therapy is supposed to be about you and your feelings, not the therapist's. And it should be safe in session to be however you're feeling (I mean, aside from like trying to physically attack the T.)

Hey but what if the therapist deserves a good slapping with a cold wet fish across the face

That does seem odd. Out of session contact should be for your benefit, not his. And I rarely talk about things that are going *right* in my life during therapy. To me that's the point of therapy...to deal with things you don't feel positive about. You might pretend to be happy with friends, but you shouldn't have to do so with a therapist.

Yikes, this situation worries me for you. Therapy in your car etc worries me. A sense of place is part of some/most therapy, part of the fabric, part of the frame. This is in no way your fault.

What about outside of session? Was that what I did wrong - I was too negative when we talked outside of session? And that's why this is OK?

I don't think you did anything wrong--your T is the one who did something wrong. By saying "in session," I didn't mean you could only talk about negative stuff with your T there, but anytime you're talking with your T. Sorry if that was unclear. I don't think what your T is doing with how he cancelled is OK...

None of this is ok...
my heart hurts for you... you have done nothing wrong. I'm sorry, I can't really say much more, too much of my own stuff... but you have not done anything wrong and you don't deserve this

I wish I could understand why this happened. It really hurts. Really really hurts.

AnnaBegins, it sounds like your therapist has a very loose "therapy" frame and that your sessions are very casual (in both organization and the way/places they are held). From what you say it seems like your therapist doesn't adhere to the normal professional boundaries that protect therapy and the client. His note to you about "sorry, something came up and I didn't hear from you" fits with the casual boundaries he holds. It just all seems like something he wouldn't place too much emphasis on.
So in answer to your original question, no, I don't think that is okay.
But at the same time I think your therapist probably does think it is okay. That doesn't make him right.
A more professional therapist would hold better boundaries and (hopefully) be more reliable. But you might be quite happy with the therapy this guy can give and want to stay with him. I think a therapist with loose boundaries and a casual therapy frame isn't likely to change his habits. But you can choose whether you're okay with the therapy and casualness he offers of if you want something different.

No. It's not okay. Therapists are supposed to adhere to the responsibilities of their profession and what he does/is doing isn't professional. It isn't about anything you have or haven't done but about his lack of professionalism.

I liked the way he did therapy in the past but now...

It's been over a month since we've had a session. It's been almost three weeks since we've had a real conversation - and we used to have a conversation every day. He still sends me an emoji that we designated as meaning a hug sometimes and he sent me pictures of his kids twice over the last three weeks, but any attempt I make at having a conversation is met with radio silence.

I have begged him for a session and offered to drive to where his office is, even though it is really far for me. Last week, he said we would definitely talk on the phone this week and I responded that I thought we needed to talk face to face because of what's going on. I told him I was working late Thursday and Friday of this week and asked if we could meet before that at a location of his choosing. He hasn't replied yet and I don't think he's going to. Don't think the phone conversation is going to happen either.

Part of me is beating myself up because he's going through stuff right now and I feel like a real friend would be there for him and put their selfish needs to the side because his needs take priority. Part of me is beating myself up because I feel like it's my fault that he's doing this in the first place - that I got him mad and now he hates me and wants me to leave him alone. And part of me is saying that this isn't fair and he's not being a good therapist, and that part makes me feel disloyal and like a horrible excuse for a human being because he really did do a lot for me back before I ruined things and made him abandon me.

I don't know what to do. I'm having a really hard time functioning - don't want to leave the house, struggling not to cry all the time, really struggling not to SI. Normally I would force myself to tell him about this so he can try to help but...this situation with him is the reason I feel this way.

And every time I start to get mad at him for abandoning me, I get furious with myself for making him do this and feel worse.

I need help...and I don't know where to go to get it and don't feel like I deserve it and never did in the first place. It feels like I had someone who cared about me and wanted to help me and I broke that by being the piece of garbage that I am.

He is the "professional" not you. You didn't make him do anything. He has behaved quite terribly and you are the collateral damage. You are allowed to be negative sometimes. You did not create any of this. I urge you to look for outside help and consider one day you may report him. Be safe

AnnaBegins, this is emotionally abusive. That may or may not be his intent but it is the result of his inconsiderate behavior and it harms you. It sounds like he is (inadvertently or not) reinforcing all the negative beliefs you already hold about yourself.
You are probably really attached to him which makes it even trickier as you probably idealize him. That's a normal part of attachment good or bad. Therapy isn't supposed to be like this. My therapist always says therapy is supposed to help and not harm. If it harms then you're doing it wrong (the "you're" here always being the therapist not the client.) It sounds like your therapist is helpful sometimes and harmful at other times. Every single person deserves to have therapy that is not harmful, including you.
What he is doing isn't okay. Its hurting you and that isn't okay. You shouldn't be put through this awfulness.

I wanted to add more. Your anger at him for what he is doing is entirely justified. That is your honest and true response to how you are being treated and it is absolutely valid. What he is doing is unprofessional, harmful and wrong.
But when we are so deeply attached to someone who sometimes harms us we can hate ourselves for that anger because it drives us away from our only source of support, the person we are angry at. Your anger towards him is real and justified but then you turn it inwards because to be angry at him means you are left with no support. So you have to deny your own truth, your own feelings, in order to be able to receive the support you do get when you get it. Everything you do becomes being all about moderating him and deferring to him so you can be worthy of whatever he can give you, when he deigns to give it.
This is exactly the cycle of an abusive relationship. Your anger at the way you are being treated IS justified. You are being hurt. Your emotions are screaming at you "This is not right!" Because it isn't.

Anna B, How about playing some hardball of your own and saying, hey I am your patient and your code of ethics say aAbandonment is not professional, and you expect him to be professional and do 3 termination sessions at the very least so that you can move forward. Say you expect him to 'Do No Harm".

One more thing. . . you are not his friend, he is your guide, champion, protector, mirror etc. You shouldn't even know he is going through a hard time, unless he tells you XYZ is happening and another therapistt will be covering my clients.

This. This so much.

How can I get angry at him and confront him and tell him that I've had really bad thoughts about SI and SUI because of this situation...because of him...without losing the only source of support I have? How do I get his help with the bad thoughts when I don't know if he's even going to answer me if I tell him about them? How do I get mad at him after all he's done for me in the past, after he's literally saved my life, when I didn't deserve it?

I keep replaying everything I've done wrong in my head - been too negative, asked for too much, didn't respond the way he wanted me to, was in crisis too many times, didn't get better fast enough, etc. It feels like all of that more than justifies what's going on right now but...

He swore he would never leave me. He swore. I asked him over and over and over again when he was going to leave and he SWORE it would never happen.

He swore and I finally trusted him. And then I made him into a liar.

And now I really need help because those bad thoughts are hard to control by myself and the thought of going to someone else, trusting someone else and setting myself up for someone else to do the exact same thing is literally making me sick.

Plus, if I reach out to someone else...I'm afraid he'll think that I "cheated" on him and even the limited amount of contact we have now will stop.

your therapist is treating this relationship like a non-therapeutic relationship which is seriously unhealthy for you. you didn't do anything wrong but you need to get out of this relationship because i don't think it is going to improve or go back to being any kind of therapeutic or professional relationship. he's completely abused his power in the relationship and now you're suffering the ill effects of that. if possible, try to reach out to someone trustworthy. do you see a pdoc?

How do I know they are trustworthy before I reach out to them? I thought my T was trustworthy...

I looked for APA certification and a Ph'D, with a focus on psychotherapy and eclectic techniques with a great deal of trauma experience. I also think an established practice with an office and good boundaries/ policies.

You can feel the concern for you radiating from each post. That is because red flags and alarm bells come from many of the details here.